How to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse by a Parent

After growing up with a narcissistic mother, learning how to heal from narcissistic abuse is something I’ve had to figure out slowly.

I’m all too familiar with the long-term damage it left, which makes the process feel overwhelming.

As children, we rely on our parents for love, support, and guidance.

These early experiences shape who we become.

For those of us with narcissistic parents, however, the opposite often happens.

We grow up carrying invisible wounds that follow us into adulthood.

Even after years of working to heal, I still struggle with the effects of the abuse.

Healing is a non-linear process, full of setbacks and hard-earned progress.

But every step you take, no matter how small, matters.

Related: Things to Remember for Your Healing Journey

This masterpost draws from my personal experience and research.

It covers what has helped me and links to more in-depth posts.

Although focused on narcissistic parents, this post may also resonate with anyone who has experienced other forms of abusive parents or toxic relationships.

Remember, there’s no ‘right’ way to heal.

This post is here to offer some guidance, but your journey is your own.

Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.

You deserve to heal on your own terms.

This post contains affiliate links. See my Privacy Policy for more information.

1. Recognize That It Wasn’t Your Fault

Many of us internalize the abuse by thinking we were the problem.

Societal norms often dictate that we should ‘honor’ our parents no matter what.

We’re expected to unconditionally love and respect them because they ‘gave us life’.

As kids, we might have tried to make sense of our parent’s hurtful behavior by self-blaming or normalizing it.

But the truth is simple: You were the child. They were the adult.

No child causes a parent to become abusive.

Even if your parent was struggling, it doesn’t excuse their behaviors.

It’s their responsibility to manage their emotions healthily, not take it out on you.

Narcissists rarely accept responsibility.

They blame others (especially their children) to deflect from their own issues.

Their criticisms, outbursts, and manipulation are about them, not you.

You didn’t deserve this treatment. It wasn’t your fault.

Read more: How to Accept that Childhood Abuse is NOT Your Fault

2. Understand How the Abuse Affected You

Healing starts by understanding how the abuse shaped your sense of self.

Narcissistic parents instill false beliefs about who you are, what you’re worth, and what you’re “allowed” to feel or want.

You unknowingly tell yourself what you’re allowed to do, think, feel, have, and how much or how often.

These unconscious beliefs affect your choice of partners, your ability to achieve success, and the quality of your relationships and overall well-being.

These survival mechanisms you learned as a child to cope may even emerge now as self-sabotaging behaviors.

Understanding these patterns isn’t about blaming your past.

It’s about making sense of your present.

Do you have any current beliefs that are holding you back? Where did they come from?

How do they show up in your relationships, work, or self-worth?

The more you uncover, the more you can challenge and rewrite those beliefs

Read more: Ways Narcissistic Parents Abuse and Their Lasting Effects

3. Process the Past

Processing the past doesn’t mean reliving it. It means giving yourself permission to feel.

Children of narcissists often learn to suppress emotions, especially “negative” ones like anger or sadness.

But healing means facing those feelings, not avoiding them.

As Karyl McBride says in Will I Ever Be Good Enough, this is a grieving process.

You may grieve the loving parent you never had or the childhood you missed.

This grief is valid.

Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, for as long as you need.

This process can be painful, but it lets you deal with your feelings.

Being in denial, bottling it up, and suppressing it only hurts you, even if it may not seem like it.

As you go through this, try not to minimize or rationalize the pain like “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I don’t have it that bad”.

Try not to let other people do that either.

Your pain is real. Let yourself process it fully.

Read more: How to Process Childhood Trauma

One method that helped me deeply is writing.

Journaling, especially with guided prompts, gave me a safe space to explore my feelings.

You can also write a letter to your parent, not to send, but to say what you’ve never been able to.

For me, writing my letter has been very cathartic, freeing, and empowering.

4. Accept Reality for What It Is

Acceptance doesn’t mean you approve of what happened or that it didn’t hurt.

It means acknowledging that it did happen, that it affected you, and that you are allowed to grieve the version of life you didn’t get.

Acceptance is necessary because there are things we can’t change.

Sometimes, accepting is the only way forward.

Healing begins when you stop hoping your parent will change or that they’ll suddenly become the person you needed them to be.

Related: Can Abusive Parents Change?

You might feel guilty for letting go of hope. But it’s also liberating.

You don’t have to fix them or wait for closure. You don’t need their approval.

You can grieve, heal, and move on.

Acceptance also means embracing your past, present, and future, without judgment.

This includes accepting who you are today, even if you are still figuring that out.

Read More: Why Acceptance is Essential in Your Healing Journey

5. Limit Contact if Possible and Set Boundaries

If you’re still living with a narcissistic parent, it’s important to start preparing for your exit strategy.

Leaving doesn’t have to be immediate. But planning for independence is key to your healing.

Leaving a narcissist means leaving the fog they cause in your life.

Read more: How to Escape Abusive Parents

Going no contact is often the healthiest option.

But if it isn’t feasible, learning how to deal with and set boundaries with your narcissistic parent is essential.

This might mean avoiding certain topics, limiting time spent together, or ending conversations when manipulation starts.

The level of contact you choose or the boundaries you set can change over time.

You’re allowed to change your mind about what’s best for you.

Remember, your well-being matters more than their comfort.

6. Reconnect with Your Emotions

Children of narcissists often disconnect from their emotions to survive.

You might feel numb or guilty for feeling “too much”, or confused about what you actually feel.

But your emotions are valid. They are messengers, not enemies.

Start by checking in with yourself regularly. What do you feel? What do you need?

Learning to name, understand, and find healthy coping skills for your feelings will help you regain control over your emotional health.

Read More: How to Deal with Emotions in a Healthy Way

7. Learn to Reparent Yourself

Reparenting is the process of giving yourself the love, care, and validation you didn’t receive as a child.

What did you need growing up that you didn’t get? How can you give that to yourself now?

This could mean comforting yourself when you’re upset, celebrating small wins, connecting with your inner child, and practicing self-compassion.

You are not broken. You are healing.

And you are capable of being the nurturing parent to yourself that you needed back then.

Read more: How to Reparent Yourself

8. Discover the Real You

Healing means rediscovering who you truly are outside of the trauma.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can make you feel like you don’t know who you are.

Your parent may have controlled how you acted, thought, and felt.

But now, as an adult, you have the power to redefine who you are.

Try to separate yourself from the false, automatic reactions to people and your environment to which you’ve become used to.

Recognize that some of your reactions towards others and the world aren’t who you are, but rather because of how you were raised.

Take time to reflect on what you truly enjoy, believe, and want out of life.

Don’t let past experiences or others’ opinions dictate who you are or want to be.

It can feel scary, like you’re starting from scratch.

But it’s also exciting! You get to define yourself on your own terms.

Learn more: How to Find Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse

9. Build a Support Network

Healing doesn’t mean doing it alone.

In fact, healing often requires a social support network.

Look for people who validate your experiences, respect your boundaries, and want the best for you.

This might mean building a chosen family or joining support groups (online or offline) with others who get it.

And sometimes, it also means letting go of toxic or one-sided relationships, even when it’s hard.

You deserve to be surrounded by supportive people who see the real you and love you for it.

Read More: How to Build and Maintain a Social Support Network

10. Break the Cycle

Children learn from their role models growing up.

For us, that “role model” was our narcissistic parent.

So it’s not surprising if we picked up some of their tendencies and behaviors.

But you can learn how to avoid becoming a narcissist like your parent.

It’s extremely crucial that you don’t unconsciously pass down negative beliefs and attitudes to your children, or even your next relationship down the road.

By healing, you’re already starting to change the narrative for future generations.

Breaking the cycle is hard work that takes self-awareness, determination, and courage. But it’s also powerful.

You are showing that healing is possible and that change can start with you.

Read More: Tips to Break the Cycle of Abuse with Your Children

11. Find Strength In Your Scars

We cannot completely heal the scars of our childhood.

Whether we like it or not, our early years significantly shape who we are.

But your scars don’t define you, they tell a story of your strength and resilience.

You didn’t choose what happened to you.

But you chose to keep going. That’s commendable!

You may always carry some remnants of the past. But they don’t have to weigh you down.

They can become reminders of how far you’ve come and how you can achieve so much more than you think.

Read more: Finding Strength in Our Trauma.

12. Keep Moving Forward

Healing isn’t linear.

Some days will feel empowering, while others triggering.

Both are part of the process.

Remember, healing is not about perfection. It’s about showing up for yourself, even when it’s hard.

When setbacks happen, please give yourself grace.

Allow yourself to take a break and remind yourself that every step counts, even the messy ones.

Try to be proud of yourself for choosing to heal, because it is a choice.

You are breaking cycles. You are reclaiming your life.

And that matters more than you know.

Read More: How to Motivate Yourself To Keep Going

How to Know You’re Healing

Healing is a lifelong process. There will always be ups and downs.

But the progress is there, even if you can’t always see it.

It would take daily effort to keep old patterns from reasserting themselves.

But remember the benefits that come with it because it makes every effort worth it.

Healing doesn’t mean you never struggle.

It just means you struggle differently, more mindfully, with the intention to grow and thrive.

Signs you’re healing may be subtle. But they are there if you look.

Just you being here is a sign.

Read more: Signs You’re Healing from Abuse

Live Your Life

Abuse puts you in a state of constant alertness where you’re always prepared to dodge the next danger.

You probably became so fixed on simply surviving that you lost the ability to truly enjoy living or to imagine life beyond the present.

The future doesn’t have to be some unrealistic dream like you’re rich and famous, sipping martinis in a hot tub.

But the future can be a dream. 

You can live life the way you want to.

Try to stop doubting yourself and actually feel good about who you are.

• Surround yourself with people who genuinely respect and love you
• Do what you want to do and live life how you want to, without worrying about what anyone else might think
• Be free in the sense that you were never able to when you were growing up under your parents’ control
• Live life being in touch with your real feelings, values, and beliefs

Try not to be afraid to dream and hope for the future.

Try not to be afraid to do the things you want to do.

You have every right to be happy, be free, and live life the way you want.

Remember, healing isn’t about having a perfect life. It’s about having a more authentic one.

It’s about learning to live your life, not the one someone else forced on you.

Resources

Just one mere blog post or even my whole blog won’t be able to fully cover the complexity of healing from narcissistic abuse by a parent.

So here are some resources.

Professional help is always recommended.

Consider seeking therapy to aid you alongside your healing journey. You can connect with a certified therapist here.

You can also check out these books to better understand narcissistic parents and begin your healing journey.

Many of them helped me make sense of my own experience.

Read some for free with Kindle Unlimited or claim an audiobook with Audible’s free trial.

• Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
• Narcissistic Parents: The Complete Guide for Adult Children
• Mothers Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters
• Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
• The Emotionally Absent Mother
• You’re Not Crazy – It’s Your Mother!
• Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
• Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology, and How You Can Heal
• Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

See more resources

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