Self-Compassion and Why It’s Important for Healing
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Self-compassion is not just important, but I’d argue that it’s essential for your healing journey. Without self-compassion, healing won’t be possible.
Do you tend to: Beat yourself up after making a mistake? Say negative things about yourself? Blame yourself when something out of your control happens? I know I do. And this is something many people do, especially if they had abusive parents growing up.
When we’re so used to being ridiculed and criticized, we end up doing it to ourselves, probably way more than we realize. It’s almost easy to be mean to ourselves.
But the issue with treating ourselves like this is that we’re pretty much abusing ourselves. And if we continue to abuse ourselves, we can’t heal. And we basically just took over our abusive parent’s role.
In order to stop beating ourselves up and begin healing, we must learn self-compassion. It may be difficult, but it can be possible with practice.
This post will discuss what self-compassion is, why it’s important for healing, and how you can cultivate self-compassion to become a healthier, happier you.
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What is Self-Compassion?
Compassion is the ability to feel or show empathy or concern for the suffering or misfortune of others. The word means “to suffer together” in Latin.
Compassion can also be defined as the concern for the well-being of others. With compassion, you feel the desire and need to help the suffering person in some way.
Self-compassion means turning that compassion inward. It means being able to feel or show concern and care toward yourself, especially when you fail, make mistakes, or notice your shortcomings. Rather than judge yourself harshly for your errors, you are able to be kind to yourself and accept yourself for simply being human.
Instead of ignoring your pain, judging, or criticizing yourself, you are kind and understanding. You are able to tell yourself that it’s hard right now and find ways to care for yourself at that moment to meet your needs.
The Three Elements of Self-Compassion
Dr. Kristin Neff, the author of Self-Compassion and the first person to define the term academically, describes self-compassion as having three elements:
Self-Kindness: Rather than ignore the pain, get angry, or criticize yourself, you are caring and understanding towards yourself when you suffer, fail, make mistakes, or feel inadequate
Common Humanity: When you suffer or make mistakes, you realize that you’re not alone in being imperfect or feeling hurt, that it’s something everybody experiences
Mindfulness: You’re able to view your feelings and situations in the terms of the bigger picture, able to acknowledge and observe them without bias or judgment
What Self-Compassion is Not
Self Compassion is Not Self Pity
When you feel self-pity, you become overly involved in your own problems and feel as if you’re the only one in this world who is suffering (“Why me?!”). You may fail to notice that you’re not the only one suffering and that maybe what you’re experiencing isn’t that bad or at least, it can get better.
Self-pity tends to isolate you and magnify the suffering you feel. It’s often a sign of playing the victim. On the other hand, self-compassion helps you accept that suffering happens to everyone and that things will, hopefully, get better.
Self-Compassion is Not Self-Indulgence
Many people are reluctant to practice self-compassion because they’re afraid it’ll make them narcissistic or spoiled. But they’re confusing self-compassion with self-indulgence.
Self-compassion isn’t treating yourself to a tub of ice cream because you’re sad. Being compassionate with yourself means keeping yourself happy and healthy in the long term.
Just giving yourself “treats” or “pleasure” like overeating or drinking, in many cases, can actually be harmful. Meanwhile, self-compassion means taking care of yourself but not overindulging. And a lot of times, it’s actually much more difficult practicing self-compassion than self-indulgence since it requires self-discipline.
For instance, quitting smoking or trying to eat healthier are difficult things to do. It might not feel great. But ultimately, it’s about taking care of your overall well-being.
Self-Compassion Benefits
Self-compassion often allows you to accept your mistakes, move past them, and try again.
Research shows that high levels of self-compassion may have a positive impact on recovery from post-traumatic stress. The painful thoughts and memories from the trauma may be less threatening and easier to face when the individual is self-compassionate.
Research shows that the more we practice being kind and compassionate with ourselves, the more we’ll increase the habit of self-compassion.
Dr. Neff states that because of our reflexive responses to hurt and negative emotions, getting started on self-compassion will often be a drastic change of perspective that will need practice for us to get the hang of.
Fortunately, self-compassion can be cultivated through various techniques and exercises, as well as through therapy.
Treat yourself as you’d treat a loved one
Usually, the ideal way to practice self-compassion is by thinking about how you’d treat a loved one. This can be your significant other, family, friend, or even pet.
What do you do when your loved one makes a mistake, fails at something, or is in pain? I assume your reaction is to forgive them (as long as it’s actually a harmless mistake), tell them it’s okay, validate their feelings, and provide support, right?
So if you are able to do all that for your loved one, why can’t you do that for yourself? You might even do all that for a random stranger than do it for yourself. And I know how hard that can be.
So how about this? Picture little you. You would be compassionate towards a little, innocent you, right?
Let yourself make mistakes. Forgive yourself for them. Tell yourself it’s okay that you messed up because you’re not perfect and that’s okay. And if you’re hurting it, accept the pain and tell yourself that your feelings and experiences are valid. You are allowed to hurt. Again, you’re just human.
If you are able to give someone the benefit of the doubt for something, you can do the same for yourself. Just as you would for others, be understanding, kind, and empathetic towards yourself.
Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is one of the elements of self-compassion. So it makes sense to practice mindfulness, especially in regard to your emotions.
Whenever you’re feeling anything unpleasant, instead of ignoring, judging, or criticizing it, take a step back and observe. Label your emotion(s). Acknowledge and identify your thoughts without reacting to them.
As you do this over time, not only will you slowly become more aware of your internal narratives, but you can start changing your negative self-talk into something more positive, or at least, realistic.
Self-compassion isn’t about thinking you’re “perfect” just how you are (though there’s nothing inherently wrong with that as long as you acknowledge that you’re not actually perfection). It’s about knowing that you’re imperfect and being fine with it.
Someone who is self-compassionate knows they have imperfections, flaws, and shortcomings. But they also know that they have qualities, strengths, and talents, too.
Overall, being self-compassionate means accepting both the good and bad things about you. It’s recognizing that it isn’t the “bad” things that define who you are, but rather the unique combination of your traits, likes, dislikes, and everything else that does.
Reframe your perspective
Sometimes, when something happened, all you can do is step back and look at the bigger picture and adjust your focus accordingly.
After making a mistake, before harshly judging or criticizing yourself, step back and ask yourself if it was really that big of a deal.
I know I tend to blow my mistakes out of proportion while being more forgiving to anyone else. But when I ask myself, “how much does this mistake really matter in terms of, well, everything?” Usually, not so much.
Also, remind yourself that your impulse to beat yourself up likely stemmed from your parent’s abuse. Remind yourself that you are NOT your parent and that you will not abuse you the way they did.
Again, this will be hard. But through practice, hopefully, it’ll become a habit.
Use self-compassion affirmations
You may be familiar with positive self-affirmations like “I’m beautiful” or “I am strong”. First off, there is nothing wrong with using affirmations like these if they help you.
However, for many of us who went through childhood abuse, it may feel uncomfortable or odd to repeat such things to ourselves. It may feel like we’re lying to ourselves. And if we feel like we’re lying, the affirmations will be useless.
So instead of using those positive affirmations, try using self-compassion affirmations instead, such as:
“I will be kinder to myself.”
“I will start treating myself how I treat others.”
“My mistakes are just proof that I’m human”
“I accept myself just the way I am.”
“I’m not perfect and that’s okay.”
As you can see, these affirmations are less so about complimenting yourself. It’s more so reminders to treat yourself with compassion and to accept (perhaps, even love) yourself as you are.
Reach out
When we talk to other people, we learn that we’re not alone in feeling inadequate or hurt by whatever we’re dealing with. You can reach out to loved ones, friends, support groups, or even online forums.
Even though everyone’s situations are different, what we all share is that we all feel pain at one time or another. It helps remind us that we’re not alone in this feeling even if it may seem so. As I’ve mentioned time and time again, a support network is invaluable for your healing journey.
However, it’s important to note that there’s a chance of encountering people who might invalidate your feelings or experiences. Thus, you can also consider reaching out to a therapist who may be more objective. They can provide guidance, teach you how to reframe your perspective, and help you learn to develop compassion for yourself.
Are You Self-Compassionate?
Here is a list of self-compassionate qualities or actions inspired by Dr. Neff’s Self-Compassionate Test.
You accept and forgive yourself for your flaws and inadequacies
When things are tough, you can see that difficulties are a part of life that everyone goes through
When you fail, you tell yourself it’s okay and try again
You try to be kind to yourself when you’re hurting
You’re gentle and kind to yourself when times are hard
When something upsets you, you try to keep your emotions in balance
You’re tolerant and patient towards aspects of your personality you don’t like
When you’re feeling down, you remind yourself that you’re not alone in this feeling
You try to see your failures as a part of being human
When you fail, you try to keep things in perspective
You approach your feelings with curiosity and openness when you’re feeling down
You’re tolerant of your shortcomings
You try to accept aspects of yourself you don’t like
Of course, this list isn’t exhaustive by any means. But it can give you an idea of how self-compassionate you are and areas that could use some work. You can also refer to this list to see if you’ve developed more self-compassion over time on your healing journey.
Conclusion
Please remember that despite us all being humans, everyone is still different in their own ways. Some of the techniques mentioned in this post might work for you while some might not. And of course, feel free to get creative and come up with your own tricks and techniques to practice self-compassion.
As you continue on your healing journey, please remember to be kind and understanding to yourself. Practice self-compassion when you can and try to make it into a habit. And as Dr. Neff says in her book, “Remember that if you really want to motivate yourself, love is more powerful than fear.”
Again, it will be hard at first but stick to it! If you can be kind to others, you can extend that kindness to yourself.
Resources
If you’re interested in learning more about self-compassion, you can refer to Dr. Neff and her colleague’s various research on self-compassion and/or check out some of the books below.
Uncovering Happiness: Overcoming Depression with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion by Elisha Goldstein
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Hi there, I’m Estee. My own experiences with an abusive mother inspired me to create Hopeful Panda. You can learn more about me and my blog here.
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