This post discusses some common signs of narcissistic parents such as behaviors, traits, and characteristics. It also covers how narcissistic parents are different from narcissists who aren’t parents.
When I first learned about narcissistic abuse, it was, I guess, enlightening. Every sign about narcissistic mothers and parents I came across described my mother to a T. It was tough to face and accept. But the more I read about the signs and other people’s experiences, the more validated I felt.
Learning the signs of narcissistic parents helped me start noticing and accepting narcissistic signs within my own mother. It helped me understand the purpose behind her behavior. It eventually helped me realize that how she treated me was not my fault. I still struggle to accept it at times, but that’s what narcissistic abuse does to you.
Hopefully, the signs of narcissistic parents in this post can help you see whether you have a narcissistic parent.
With narcissistic abuse, it can feel confusing and destabilizing. Victims often doubt their own experiences, questioning their reality and the validity of their feelings. But learning the signs can help validate your experiences and help you see that the abuse is not your fault.
What is Narcissism & Narcissistic Abuse?
In simple terms, narcissism is excessive self-involvement. So a narcissist is typically someone who’s very self-involved. And some narcissists’ coping and defense mechanisms to maintain their false sense of superiority can be toxic or abusive, hence the term, “narcissistic abuse”.
Narcissistic abuse typically consists of a specific pattern of manipulative, controlling behavior involving verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse. Typically, narcissistic abuse causes victims to question and doubt their experiences and reality. It often leaves them overthinking or second-guessing themselves.
However, it’s important to note that abuse and narcissism are not necessarily related. Not all narcissists are abusive and not all abusers are narcissists, though there can be tendencies of either in both.
Almost everyone occasionally engages in narcissistic behavior or has narcissistic tendencies. So it’s important to realize that narcissism falls on a spectrum. Just a little behavior doesn’t make someone a narcissist.
*Please note that I am NOT diagnosing anyone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and you shouldn’t either. The terms narcissism and narcissist used in this post and this blog are NOT equivalent to the disorder. Narcissists and narcissism existed as a concept before the disorder. If you want to know more about the proper diagnosis, please consult a professional.
How Are Narcissistic Parents Different?
Narcissists – parents or not – typically display manipulative, abusive, controlling, and invalidating behaviors towards people they’re close to due to their lack of empathy, self-obsession, and exploitative nature.
However, the dynamic of a parent-child relationship may bring out new traits and behaviors within a narcissist. How they treat their children may be different from how they treat a romantic partner, friend, or co-worker.
An article in Psychology Today defines a narcissistic parent as “someone who lives through, is possessive of, and/or engages in marginalizing competition with their child”.
Narcissists usually perceive their child’s independence as a threat, even when they’re adults. They don’t love the child for who they are and tend to coerce the child to exist in their shadow.
Being a child, their child, means it’s easier for the narcissistic parent to shape and mold the child into whoever they please. It means having full power and control over them.
Though a narcissist seeks to control their victims in all kinds of relationships, it’s a bit different with their own children.
Children are born vulnerable with no one but their parents to go to for guidance, affection, and care. That makes them the best target to control, manipulate, and exert power over. The child has no choice but to comply.
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22 Signs of Narcissistic Parents
They care a lot about how they appear to others
Narcissists are extremely superficial and care a lot about looks and reputation. They require and often seek out constant and excessive praise, admiration, and validation from others. They’re obsessed with how others perceive them.
Abusive or neglectful narcissistic parents would act as the perfect parent if there are witnesses nearby. They’ll be gentle, loving, nurturing, and considerate.
However, once you’re in private or they’re alone with you, they can be cold, dismissive, mean, or straight-up abusive. This only shows that their “niceness” is a facade that they put on in public.
They’re extremely competitive
Narcissists are often jealous or competitive with other people, especially with their children.
If you achieved or did well at something, the narcissistic parent will find a way to take all the credit or move the spotlight onto them. They’ll claim you’re able to excel because of their good genes or good parenting. Or they might claim or prove that they can do it better.
Narcissists also compete when it comes to sob stories. If you’re complaining about a struggle you’re going through, they’ll top it with something worse that they’re dealing with. It’s like you can never have the last word.
They will always be better or have it worse than you. That way, they shift the attention away from you to themselves instead. It always seems to be a competition with your parent, even when you didn’t sign up.
They “love” you only when it benefits them
If you have a narcissistic parent, you might struggle most of the time to feel any sort of affection from them. But sometimes, they might shower you with affection and compliments. Their unpredictability might leave you confused, always wondering if you did something wrong.
The most likely explanation for the hot-and-cold attitude they have towards you is that they only show love when they get something out of it.
As mentioned before, they might appear loving when others are there to witness it. Or maybe affection is your reward for obeying their every command and fulfilling their every wish.
Narcissists are incapable of genuinely putting someone else’s needs ahead of their own. Therefore, any “love” they appear to show is conditional. It’s only present when there’s something in it for them because, in the end, they come first.
They put their needs and wants first
A narcissist’s needs and desires are always the priority. Even their tiniest whim has to take place over your most basic needs.
If something negative happens to you, they only worry about how it’ll affect them.
For example, if you’re sick, they’ll worry about how it’ll make them sick or how much of a burden it’ll be to take care of you. Yet when it’s them who are feeling bad or struggling with something, you’re expected to drop everything and give them your full attention.
They have to be right
Another common sign of a narcissist is that they can never be wrong. If you end up in any sort of debate or argument with them, nothing you do can make them admit they’re wrong.
Narcissists are persistently unwilling to see their shortcomings. They would do everything in their power to avoid accountability. They’re extremely defensive and sensitive to the slightest of criticisms or even neutral comments they view as an attack.
Anything that counters their point of view or breaks their facade of perfection could result in yelling, screaming, and insults to your worth. You likely feel like you always have to agree with them just to keep the peace. But even that might not be enough.
They don’t seem to care about your feelings
Because narcissists are so self-absorbed, they lack empathy and compassion. They have trouble understanding other people’s feelings and needs because their feelings, needs, and wants are so important that other people’s are simply insignificant.
They tend to think they’re better or more important than other people, that only their interests and opinions matter. So if and when you try to discuss your feelings or experiences with them, they might make fun of you or top it with their own. Or they might completely dismiss or ignore you as if you’re nobody.
They make you feel bad about yourself
Narcissists can be highly critical and judgmental. That’s their way to feel superior.
With narcissistic parents, they might constantly nitpick, criticize, and insult you just to tear you down and make you feel less than. It’s like they’re intentionally saying things just to make you feel bad about who you are, what you do, and how you act. And no matter how much you try to please them or how much you’ve accomplished, they always seem to have something to insult.
Many narcissistic parents shame their children. That’s their way of coping with their insecure self-worth. Also, when you’re feeling vulnerable, you’re easier to manipulate.
They don’t treat you like your own person
Another sign of narcissistic parents is that they tend to treat their children as an extension of them. It’s like you’re not allowed to be your person or have an identity of your own.
They criticize any interests, opinions, and hobbies of yours that don’t align with what they want. They might control what you eat, how you dress, and what hobbies you’re allowed to be into.
A narcissistic parent might often make your decisions for you like you’re incapable of doing it yourself. This way, you’ll grow dependent on them, which continues making it easier for them to control you.
Even as an adult, they might control what you study in school, what field you want to get into, what job you take, and who you’re allowed to befriend, date, and marry.
They make you feel guilty for what they do for you
A narcissistic parent might constantly mention or imply how hard it is to be a parent and how much they sacrificed for you.
They might do it in subtle ways like “I always wanted to travel the world. That is until I got pregnant” or “You have no idea how much it costs to raise children”. Or they might do it in a direct way like, “I have done so much for you. It’s so hard being your parent”.
And oftentimes when they throw out these implications and statements, they find a way to make you feel even worse like, “I gave up so much for you and this is how you repay me?” or “How can you disrespect your mother like that, after all I’ve done for you?”
They accuse you of things that they are
The narcissist might make accusations seemingly out of nowhere about you. When really, these are things describing themselves. This is projection – accusing or suggesting that you are the one with their issues.
They might call you names or insult you about things that seem random and uncalled for like how you’re being selfish, delusional, psychopathic, or narcissistic.
They might even accuse you of lying, keeping secrets, or even being abusive towards them when you’ve done nothing to warrant that kind of attack. In reality, these accusations are the very things they are exhibiting or experiencing.
They make you doubt yourself and your experiences
Whenever you confront your parent about something that happened, they might respond with “that didn’t happen” or “you must’ve imagined it”. This is gaslighting.
Gaslighting is the narcissist’s way to protect their fragile ego. They find a way to rewrite reality, implying or telling you that what you experienced wasn’t real. They might even straight-up call you delusional, hysterical, irrational, or crazy.
Narcissistic parents might also make you question or doubt your feelings and other experiences, even when it doesn’t involve them.
For example, if you’re in pain and want to go to the doctor, they might question, “Are you sure you’re feeling pain?”. Or if something traumatic happened to you and you’re being emotional, they might say, “Why are you overreacting?”
They manipulate or take advantage of you for their own benefit
One sign of narcissists is that they’re exploitative and take advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
A narcissistic parent can treat you like a slave with no regard or appreciation for how you feel or the things you do for them. All that matters to them is that they’re getting what they want.
Yet when they do just the littlest thing for you, they’ll bring it up again and again so you’d remember that you owe them. And they’ll continue to loom it over your head to get you to do what they want.
If you ever disobey or disagree with something they’re doing or saying, they’ll just mention that one time they did you a favor or how they sacrificed so much raising you, so the least you can do is make them happy.
They don’t take responsibility or apologize
No matter what they’ve done, narcissists won’t genuinely apologize. They will deny, deflect, and lie to avoid accountability. Or they might laugh it off as a big joke.
However, if they’re caught in the act or have no choice but to apologize, they will give an insulting or insincere apology like, “If I did that, it was wrong” or “I guess maybe I might have done something”. Or they might negate their apology with justifications or self-pity like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry my own child feels like they have to make me feel bad.”
They might even apologize as a way to further insult you. “I’m sorry I made you feel fat and stupid” or “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive”.
They control all aspects of your life
Narcissists love to maintain control in whatever ways they can. If there’s anything outside of them that may threaten their control over your life, they seek to destroy it.
Your narcissistic parent might have control over your relationships, finances, education, career, and family, even when you’re an adult. They try to micromanage every facet of your life if they can so that you remain dependent on them.
You might have been forbidden to date, drive, or get a job. They may even try to ruin your relationships and isolate you by keeping you from friends, families, and romantic partners. And if you have your own family, they might even try to control your children, using the excuse that it’s their grandchildren.
They find ways to hurt you without looking like the bad guy
Narcissistic parents have a way of hiding their abuse behind a caring, loving demeanor. Because once again, they care a lot about how they appear to other people.
They’re able to find ways to hurt you while making it seem like it’s because they care about you. They dress up their abuse into words of concern or helpful advice.
Narcissists have the ability to disguise their insults into jokes, concerns, or questions. So you’d know when you’re being insulted, but anyone else who doesn’t know the context wouldn’t realize.
That way, when you’d react to their triggering words, you’d look like the crazy one while your parent remains innocent and loving. Other people will judge and question your supposed overreaction. “Your mother simply asked you a question” or “Your dad was just worried about you”.
They demand obedience and have unreasonable expectations
Narcissists have a huge sense of entitlement, often expecting special treatment. They can be extremely demanding with impossible standards and unreasonable expectations.
As their child, they look to you to meet their every whim and need. Even when you manage to fulfill all their unreasonable demands, they come up with more. Or they’ll claim you didn’t do it well enough so you have to do it again. It’s like they’re intentionally messing with you.
A narcissistic parent will also demand your total obedience “because I’m your parent” or “because I said so”. And despite how many times you obey or agree with them, one tiny thing they view as an act of disobedience on your part will garner verbal, emotional, or even physical abuse that they call “discipline”.
They constantly violate your boundaries
If you have narcissistic parents, your boundaries are likely constantly violated. Or you might not have any to begin with.
You might not know what it’s like to have personal space or privacy. They might listen in on your phone calls, snoop on your computer, or throw away your belongings without your consent.
A narcissistic parent might even intentionally go out of their way to violate your boundaries just to push your buttons or to see how far they can go.
They play obvious favorites with their children
One specific sign of narcissistic parents is how they play favorites and pit their children against each other. If they have more than one child, they would establish the roles of golden child or scapegoat for each of them.
The golden child is the obvious favorite child whom the narcissist will provide privileges for and shower with love and affection as long as the child continues to obey them. Whereas, the scapegoat is the one who is always at fault.
The narcissistic parent will create a division between their children with lies and very obvious unfair and favoriting behavior.
They also often compare the scapegoat to the golden child to make the scapegoat feel bad. It can be blatant comparison like “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Or it can be subtle like “Your sister is so pretty”, implying that you’re not, at least, not as pretty as her.
They blame you for things that aren’t your fault
If your parent constantly blames you for things that are out of your control, then chances are, you’re the scapegoat in the family. They will blame their actions on you, including their abuse. “You made me angry” or “You made me do it”.
When things go well, the narcissist will take credit for it. But when not, they’ll blame anything but themselves. So whenever something bad happens, they have a way to make it your fault.
With narcissistic parents, their children are an easy target to shift the blame to because no one would want to believe that a parent would intentionally hurt their child. And because the parent is the authority in this relationship, people tend to take their word for it, especially when they appear to be loving and caring.
They set you up for failure
The narcissist might intentionally do something to get a response out of you. And when you react to whatever hurtful or toxic thing they did, they’ll then insult or mock you for it. Like, “See? You’re always like that”.
They’ll purposely do things to provoke you just so they can laugh and insult you for reacting. They may even purposely go out of their way to sabotage any achievements or goals you have so they can rub it in your face how you failed.
They give you their responsibilities
Because narcissists see their children as simply things to serve them, they’ll pawn off any of their responsibilities onto you whenever they get the chance. They might often leave you to take care of yourself, to be your own parent. You might even have to take care of your younger siblings or grandparents because your parent doesn’t want to do it.
Some narcissistic parents also expect their children to take care of them for the rest of their lives. While there’s nothing wrong with taking care of elderly parents, narcissistic parents typically manipulate their children into doing it, with little regard for their children’s priorities and needs. “After all I’ve done for you, the least you can do is repay the favor”.
Related: Parentification
They intimidate or punish you if you disobey them
Narcissists will do whatever it takes to get what they want, even if it means hurting others. This applies to narcissistic parents as well.
If you disagree, disobey, or even question them, they might make threats so you’d comply. Or they might punish you.
Punishment can range from emotional neglect to physical abuse. The narcissistic parent might give you the silent treatment, shame you, verbally abuse you, forbid you to eat, or straight-up beat you for going against them.
Oftentimes, their punishments are extreme and unreasonable. What they perceive as a slight from you could be as small as you wanting to sleep ten minutes later so you can finish your homework. This causes you to constantly walk on eggshells around them, always wanting to please them no matter what to avoid the consequences.
Do You Have a Narcissistic Parent?
It’s important to realize how showing a few signs doesn’t necessarily mean you have a narcissistic parent. It might mean you have a neglectful or abusive parent. It might also mean you have an imperfect parent with some issues.
What makes someone narcissistic is how much they care about maintaining their false sense of superiority. Anything that counters or disproves the fact that they’re better than you causes them to act out in various ways.
Basically, their actions are dictated by their drive to maintain the delusion that they’re the best, even if it means hurting others. In a way, it’s like you exist to merely serve their needs.
So whenever your parent is acting a certain way, ask yourself this: Are they doing it because they believe they’re being a good parent? Or are they doing it because they want to feel superior and powerful?
Some parents displaying abusive or neglectful behaviors might think it’s normal or even a preferred parenting method to raise good kids. While it isn’t acceptable by any means, it doesn’t mean they’re narcissistic. Narcissistic parents’ motives are usually self-serving.
How do you feel?
- Are you often questioning whether your parent loves you?
- Do you often doubt yourself and your experiences?
- Do you often feel unlovable, unworthy, and unaccepted?
- Are you constantly walking on eggshells around your parent, worried you’ll do or say the wrong thing?
- Do you lack a sense of identity?
- Do you lack confidence in who you are and what you do?
- Are you often anxious, scared, depressed, confused, isolated, empty, and lost?
If you answered yes to all of the questions above, then you’re likely suffering from narcissistic abuse by your parent.
Connect with a certified therapist and/or check out How to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse by a parent to begin your healing journey.
Conclusion
I know how overwhelming having a narcissistic parent can be. Even with the signs in front of you, you might still doubt and question your experiences. You might also have trouble accepting that your parent is toxic or narcissistic.
Take all the time you need to process whatever it is you’re going through. But as you do that, please try to take care of and protect yourself. And remember, none of it is your fault.
I hope you can eventually come to accept that you have an abusive and toxic parent. And I hope you find a way to healthily manage the emotions and aftermath that comes from it. You deserve a life free of abuse and hurt.