20 Tips to Break the Cycle of Abuse with Your Children
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One of my purposes for healing from my trauma is so I can finally break the cycle of abuse with my own children.
In many cases, parents treat their children largely dependent on how they were treated as children. If you had narcissistic or abusive parents, the same parenting patterns could go on for generations until someone actively decides to change them.
So it’s important that you learn how to break the cycle of abuse for your and your children’s sake, as well as for the future generations that comes after.
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Healing is crucial
Many child abuse victims make excuses for their parent’s abuse. Some might even condone their parent’s harmful discipline techniques, saying things like “Tough love made me better” or “I was beaten and I turned out fine”.
But it’s important to realize that when your parents lashed out at you, it likely has nothing to do with discipline but everything to do with their lack of impulse control. And that lack of control usually comes from unresolved trauma.
So it’s crucial that you start recovering from your own trauma. This is to assure that your children won’t have to go through what you went through.
Abuse as an intergenerational pattern
Alice Miller, a psychologist known for her research on childhood abuse and author of The Drama of the Gifted Child, said, “Traumata stored in the brain but denied by our conscious minds will always be visited on the next generation.”
It’s believed that unresolved trauma can stay with someone and be passed on to their children. And it can be passed on to their children’s children and so on until the cycle is broken.
Although there are adults who were victims of childhood abuse that don’t go on to neglect or abuse their own children, unfortunately, there are also many that do.
Research has shown that rates of maltreatment in families headed by people with a history of childhood abuse or neglect were higher than in the general population.
The Cycle of Abuse
When you’ve been through some form of childhood abuse or neglect, there is a risk that you could also be abusive or neglectful. And unfortunately, knowing you’re at risk is not enough.
It’s easy to be reminded of your own childhood trauma when you’re parenting. You might end up repeating some of your parents’ behaviors without being aware of them.
There might be tendencies you picked up from your parents that end up sprinkling into your own parenting.
It’s also important to remember that there are severities in child maltreatment. Not every bad parenting is considered abuse or neglect.
However, certain parenting techniques and behaviors can still negatively affect children in the long term.
For example, talking to your child in a dismissive tone might not necessarily be abusive. But it can still damage your child’s self-esteem.
20 Parenting Tips on How to Break the Cycle of Abuse
Going against what your family has passed down through generations requires a lot of strength and resilience. But just because you went through a hard childhood doesn’t mean your children have to.
It’s important that you realize and acknowledge your parent’s shortcomings and how they affected you. That’s the first step to assure you won’t repeat what your parents did.
Here are some parenting tips that can hopefully help you break the cycle of abuse with your children.
1. Be prepared for parenthood
Children are a lot of work. They might be bundles of joy but they’re also incredibly stressful and draining – emotionally, physically, and financially.
Before you have kids, it’s important that you are prepared for it. You want to make sure you are able to give your children everything they need to help them grow and thrive into the best versions of themselves.
Of course, it’s impossible to be 100% prepared. So at least be prepared for the unexpected or for the not-so-ideal scenarios. Being prepared also doesn’t mean you have to be perfect.
It’s important to realize that there’s no such thing as perfect parenting. If you expect to be a perfect parent, then I’m sorry, you’re probably not ready for kids.
Instead of striving to be the “perfect” parent, aim for “good enough“. Be empathetic, patient, encouraging, validating, nurturing, understanding, caring, affectionate, and loving like a good enough parent should.
And accept that you are human who will be bound to make mistakes.
Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. Of course, don’t go out of your way to test that resilience. But realize that a mistake here and there shouldn’t scar them for life (as long as you acknowledge those mistakes and remain accountable).
2. Meet your own needs
Many abusive parents parentifies their children. They rely on their children to take care of them or meet their needs. Doing so takes away their opportunities of being a child.
While it is okay to give age-appropriate chores to your child, it isn’t okay to expect them to do your job or take care of you or their siblings.
And although it’s okay to update them on the day-to-day happenings of your life, it isn’t okay to overwhelm them with your stress, struggles, and relationship problems, especially if it involves their other parent.
To break the cycle of abuse with your children, it’s important that you find healthy ways to meet your own needs. Learn to cope with your stress. Establish a support network. Engage in self-care.
Remember that while your children can provide support and care for you, it is not their job to do so.
3. Be patient
Children do things slowly. They might take a while to get the hang of something. They make messes and mistakes. And sometimes, they might piss you off because they don’t listen or they intentionally do something just to spite you.
It’s easy to be frustrated with your children. That frustration can lead to aggression, which for some parents, is what causes them to abuse their children.
But remind yourself that they’re just kids – they need patience, guidance, and affection.
Give your children the time to change, learn, adjust, adapt, and be kids. Don’t rush their developmental process and try not to push them too hard.
4. Have reasonable expectations
Expecting children to act in ways that are beyond their emotional or physical maturity, to never make mistakes, or to be absolutely obedient is unreasonable.
It’s important that you see your child through the appropriate developmental stages.
For example, puberty can make your children little monsters. But try to realize that it’s their biology at work and has nothing to do with you. What you can do is be there for them, communicate, and stick to the boundaries you’ve set.
In addition, once your children get older, they might be more distant. They might keep secrets from you or want more privacy. That doesn’t mean they’re doing anything bad or that they don’t love you. They’re just at the age where they want to be their own person with some level of privacy.
Recognize that children or teenagers have certain tendencies and behavioral patterns when they reach certain ages.
As long as it’s all within the norm and you’re doing everything you can to empathize, understand, and enforce boundaries and rules as a parent should, you are doing the best you can.
5. Set clear and reasonable boundaries
When setting rules and boundaries with your children, it’s important that you are clear and reasonable with those rules.
Also, explain and help your children understand the boundaries you set and the consequences that’ll occur if they break those boundaries. Help them realize that those rules, limits, and boundaries are there for their well-being.
For example, if you give your child a bedtime, explain to them that they need enough sleep for their growth and development. Or if you allow them only one dessert a day, explain to them that eating too much sugar is bad for their health.
Let them know that the rules you set are for their benefit and that they’re there because you care about them. And be open to answering any questions they might have about it instead of dismissing or ignoring them.
Refrain from giving reasons like “just because I say so”, “I’m the adult here”, or “because you’re under my roof”. Those are not good reasons and are just an abuse of authority. In that case, your children might be resentful of you and less likely to follow your rules.
6. Be flexible
The opposite of flexibility is control. Being flexible means being able to make adjustments for the sake of your children.
Nothing ever goes as planned, especially when it comes to kids. Surprises will happen and likely not in a good way. So it’s important to be flexible, adaptable, and tolerant when it comes to children.
For example, if they accidentally spill something on their shirt, have a backup ready rather than yell at them for being careless. Simply tell them to be more careful next time.
Of course, there’s a limit to how flexible you should be. It’s still important to set reasonable limits and boundaries. There’s a fine line between being flexible and being permissive.
7. Expect and tolerate intrusions and interruptions
Children are naturally curious. They also know nothing about personal space or privacy, so they’ll constantly be in your face and in your area.
Becoming a parent means giving up your personal space, at least for the first few years of the child’s life.
Also, babies would cry and children would be loud. It’s not really something you can control. And when your baby cries, it’s your job to find out why and try to console them. Yelling at the baby or letting them cry it out instead can cause harmful effects on their development.
8. Be prepared to make sacrifices
If you have children, that’s YOUR choice. Having children means making sacrifices – big or small.
When I chose to pursue custody of my siblings, that was my choice. And doing so means making some sacrifices like having less time for myself, less alone time with my partner, and having to take care of them until they’re independent adults.
You can never be resentful of your children for the sacrifices you have to make for them. That’s what being a parent means.
As much as I preach self-love and self-care, it’s also your job to make sure your children’s needs are a priority.
Of course, you need to take care of yourself, too. But being a parent means being able to put your children’s needs above your own. And if you love your children, you’d be willing to do it.
9. Never take anger or stress out on your children
Having children is stressful. You should know that when you decide to have them.
It is not your children’s fault that you brought them into this world or chose to be their parents. It’s not their fault if you are stressed out or struggling with something.
It might be easy to lash out at someone when you’re stressed or angry, especially if your children might not be the most concerned about your feelings at the moment.
10. Recognize that your children are not an extension of you
If your parent saw you as an extension of them, you may see your children in a similar light. In other words, when your children do well or are complimented, you feel validated as a parent.
While it’s normal to want our children to do well and excel in life, we shouldn’t attach our own self-worth and self-esteem to how well they do.
When your sense of self-worth is tied to your children’s behaviors and accomplishments, you end up pressuring them to do well and punishing them for not doing well enough.
Kids make mistakes. Sometimes, they even do stupid things. That’s how they learn. And it’s not a reflection on your parenting.
To be able to break the cycle of abuse, it’s crucial that you can see your children as autonomous, independent individuals. They are not you. They are their own person.
11. Pause before you act
Tense moments with your children could trigger emotions from your past. During times like this, you’re more likely to fly off the handle or act irrationally. So pause before you act.
Learn techniques to calm yourself – take deep breaths, count to ten, take a walk, or listen to music.
And if you do ever act out, take responsibility right away. Be accountable for yourself. Admit what you did wrong, apologize, and try not to do it again.
If you’ve ever done or said something hurtful or overstepped boundaries, then admit your mistake and apologize. Doing this also teaches your children to be accountable for themselves.
You might be the adult but you’re still growing and learning from your own mistakes.
Being able to admit your mistakes and apologize for them sends your children the message that it’s okay to mess up and make mistakes as long as you learn from them and do your best to fix them.
The behaviors and attitudes you model for your children are extremely important. So be accountable for yourself. It is your responsibility to manage your feelings and actions.
13. Repair and resolve all conflicts
Whenever there’s a heated or negative interaction between you and your children, it’s important that you talk about it afterward when you’ve both calmed down. This helps get rid of resentment and hard feelings.
First, listen to your children’s side of the story. Then, tell your side but in a non-blaming way.
Start your sentences off with an “I” instead of “you”. Using “you” statements might communicate an accusatory tone, possibly causing your children to feel resentful or defensive.
On the other hand, “I” statements show your willingness to take responsibility for your own perceptions and feelings.
Communicating with your children after any negative interactions, arguments, or conflicts helps them make sense of their experiences. It helps re-establish trust between you.
It also helps you achieve closure. If not, you can both end up resentful of each other and possibly grow more distant because of it.
If your children broke a rule or misbehaved, try to acknowledge their feelings before disciplining them. That way, you get to hear what’s wrong and have the chance to possibly fix it.
14. Do not play favorites
Many toxic parents play favorites with their children. They also often compare their children with one another to display their very obvious favoritism.
If you have more than one child, please do not play favorites or make comparisons. You’re human, so related thoughts might come up. Maybe one child’s easier to manage so you’re more fond of them.
But try your best not to show bias and favoritism for one child over another. Try not to let age, gender, character, or accomplishments affect how much love and care you give them.
Favoritism creates a divide in the family. And comparisons only tell the child that they aren’t good enough. It makes them feel that you don’t love them as much as the other child. It also makes them resent their sibling.
This ends up hurting their self-confidence and sense of self-worth as well as hurting their relationship with their siblings and with you.
15. Never physically discipline your children
Physical discipline such as hitting, spanking, and slapping does not work. Not only that but according to a growing body of research, it poses many negative effects and risks on the child.
Corporal punishment teaches the child to fear you. It does nothing but adds trauma to their childhood. It might also make them more likely to be violent and aggressive.
Instead, practice alternative discipline and problem-solving strategies so discipline decisions are less reactive and harsh. It’s also important to discuss this with the child’s other parent (if they’re involved) so you’re both on the same page. That way, discipline will be more effective.
When disciplining your child, be clear and specific about what rule they broke or what they did wrong. Set reasonable consequences for their misbehavior and explain why those consequences are necessary.
This helps your children understand that certain actions have consequences, which will hopefully motivate them not to do it again.
16. Do not assume your children are being bad on purpose
Assuming your children are intentionally being bad or misbehaving is the heart of many forms of child abuse.
If you assume your children are bad, it means that you don’t trust them. This sets up a dynamic where they’ll never open up to you. This assumption will also damage their trust and belief in themselves.
When a child misbehaves or makes a mistake, it isn’t to embarrass or anger you. Try not to take things too personally.
Try to accept that kids are just kids who will do stupid things sometimes, not because they’re trying to piss you off or provoke you, but because their brains are still developing.
17. Allow your children to feel
Many abusive parents ignore or mock their children’s emotions, often topping them with their own. And when something happens in their children’s life, their first reaction is “How does it affect me?”
Encourage your children to recognize and voice their emotions and experiences. And when they do, try to be empathetic.
Try to understand it from their perspective and validate their feelings and experiences, even if you disagree or it upsets you. That way, you’re not teaching them to look good or deny what they’re feeling or perceiving as real.
This helps them form their own narrative in their life. It also increases their resilience and overall emotional well-being.
If your child is angry or upset at you, you might be tempted to get angry, argue back, or punish them. However, that only makes them feel like they have to suppress their feelings. They might be scared to express to you again how they’re feeling.
With older children and teenagers who can be intentionally disrespectful or hurtful, try to set boundaries with them but also make them feel heard. In other words, acknowledge their feelings but also be able to set consequences for their misbehavior.
18. Encourage your children to be themselves
Many toxic parents manipulate and shape their children into who they want them to be. To break the cycle of abuse, you need to not just allow, but encourage your children to be themselves.
Don’t tell them to be someone they’re not. Pressuring your children to put on a facade leads them to believe that their true selves are unacceptable.
Encourage your children to express themselves. Allow them to express their emotions and voice their experiences. Listen to their opinions and respect them, even if you disagree.
Accept their likes, dislikes, interests, desires, and passions even if it doesn’t abide by your standards.
19. Lead by example
In his work, Nobody Knows My Name, James Baldwin said, “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
Act how you want your children to act. Be accountable. Communicate. Be honest, understanding, and empathetic. Remain calm in heated situations rather than act out.
Your children follow your example. If you don’t act the way you want them to act, why should they listen to you?
If you want your children to respect you, you have to respect them, even if they technically aren’t your equals.
Listen to them. Try to understand their perspective. That’s the best way to earn their trust and respect. It also teaches them to be respectful and empathetic towards you and others.
Also remember to never use your position, authority, or age to dismiss their experiences or feelings. Doing so tells them that they don’t matter and that they’re not good enough.
20. Be authoritative
Being a parent can be very rewarding and might even fill the parental void you have. However, don’t try to be so different from your abusive parents that you end up on the other extreme.
For example, don’t constantly shower your children with compliments and praises because you missed out on them growing up. This can lead to them growing up entitled and possibly narcissistic.
Instead, compliment them specifically when they’ve done well, but offer constructive criticism and encouragement on what they can improve on.
And don’t let your children do whatever whenever. If you do, you’ll lose their respect and they’ll walk all over you. Overall, try to be authoritative. Be warm and sensitive, but set reasonable limits.
The important thing to remember is balance.
Don’t overdo or underdo something to try to compensate for what’s missing from your own childhood. Remain nurturing and caring as a parent should, but also set high and reasonable expectations of your children.
Conclusion
As you embark on your parenting journey, I highly recommend the book, Unconditional Parenting.
Backed by scientific research and studies, this book debunks a lot of parenting methods that seem normal, preferred, or ideal and discusses how they can actually negatively affect children.
It also provides alternative and effective approaches to parenting that can help you raise healthy, happy, and independent children.
In the end, it’s easy to make mistakes as parents because there seems to be so much you can do wrong and so little you can do right.
And when you’ve had parents who did a lot wrong and not so much right, it makes it much harder for you to do what’s right. But it is possible.
As long as you have the will and desire to break the cycle of abuse with you and take the proper steps to heal, you can do it.
You can do better than your parents. You can be a good enough parent to your children.
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Hi there, I’m Estee. Having grown up with an abusive mother, I know how isolating, frustrating, and hopeless everything could feel – back then as a child and even now as an adult.
I am always trying to better understand and manage the effects of the abuse I experienced. And this journey I’m on inspired me to create Hopeful Panda. Learn more here.
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