How to Accept that Childhood Abuse is NOT Your Fault

You might think the childhood abuse you faced was your fault. Or you might at least think you’re partially to blame. But here I am telling you: Your childhood abuse is NOT your fault.

I spent quite a while blaming myself for the abuse I faced as a child and how I let it affect me. I thought I was being dramatic, sensitive, and ungrateful.

It’s not really abuse, I was just a bad child.
If I was more behaving, they would treat me better.
It wasn’t that bad, I shouldn’t complain. Other people have it worse.
Maybe I deserved it. I was always talking back.
Mom is right, I am rebellious and troublesome.
If they were really abusive, I wouldn’t have clothes, food, and toys. It’s probably all in my head.

Eventually, I’ve concluded that the abuse I faced was NOT my fault. But I still second-guess it sometimes.

I’ve come to accept that regardless of how I acted or behaved, it didn’t justify the physical beatings or verbal abuse I endured. Even if I was misbehaving, it is my parents’ responsibility to discipline me appropriately. Resorting to hitting me or insulting me is NOT appropriate no matter how much they insist it is.

Abuse of any kind does a lot of damage to someone, especially a developing child. It can actually cause changes in the brain as well as leave long-term effects that remain well into adulthood, and likely the rest of their lives.

Why you might think the abuse or aftermath is your fault

There are many reasons why you might think the abuse you faced or how it affected you is your fault or at least partially your fault. And unfortunately, that isn’t uncommon for many abuse victims.

If only I was a better daughter.
If only I was more obedient.
I let it happen because I didn’t try to stop it.
I’m a bad person so I deserve it.
Everyone seems to side with my parents, so maybe it’s my problem.

People who are abused carry this shame around with them. And mostly because that’s one of the abuser’s purposes – to make you feel ashamed about it, like it’s your fault or that you deserved it.

That way, you won’t tell other people about what you’re going through, which means, that they can continue to abuse you and get away with it.

Here are some possible reasons why you might feel like the abuse and its aftermath that you face is your fault:

You think your characteristics or behaviors caused the abuse, that if you were different, it wouldn’t have happened.
You think you let it happen because you didn’t do anything to stop it.
The abuser denies having abused you.
The abuser blames you for the abuse or their actions.
Other people tell you how no parents would hurt their child, invalidating your experiences, making you feel like it’s your fault.
The abuser or other people justifies the abuser’s action, claiming it’s not abuse, masking it behind “good” intentions or “love”.

It IS Abuse

I think one part of having trouble accepting that abuse isn’t our fault is because we have trouble accepting that what we faced is, indeed, abuse.

My Realization that it IS Abuse

My parents’ physical “punishments” left bruises and lashes on me. I always thought that was normal until I saw a specific scene in a Chinese show I was watching. A man hit his adult daughter, also leaving bruises and lashes. His friends thought he went too far, heavily ridiculed him for it, and stopped talking to him.

After watching that, I thought: That happened to me when I was a child. If people feel this way about an adult being treated like that, how would they feel about a child? Doesn’t this mean that my parents went too far? Doesn’t this mean that what they did was wrong and worthy of ridicule?

I think that’s when I first realized that all the beatings I was getting as a child were physical abuse.

I always knew physical abuse was a thing. But I was so used to it, I guess I took it as normal or expected.

I also concluded that I was experiencing emotional/verbal abuse from TV. Movies and shows where the mean girls continuously bully and insult someone till they break down or transfer schools to avoid it helped me realize that my mother was bullying me at home.

Being constantly called fat, stupid, worthless, and garbage isn’t normal. It isn’t because I am those things. It’s because she wanted to make me feel like I am those things. She wanted me to feel awful about myself so she can have power over me, so she can feel better about herself.

I think I was 16 when I finally accepted that what I was experiencing was abuse. And when I did, it was easier for me to let go of some of the guilt and self-blame I felt. I felt less like I was overreacting or being sensitive. And instead, felt more validated about my feelings and experiences.

It can be really hard to accept that your parents abused you. I had a really hard time accepting that truth.

But the truth is, they did hurt you. And sometimes, it’s because you’re close to them that makes you an easier target. You were young and vulnerable with no one to turn to but them.

On top of physical and sexual abuse, if your parents call you names, insult you, put you down, parentifies you, gaslight you, ignore your feelings, treat you as lesser than, or blame you for their problems, they’re abusive.

If you want to learn more about what’s considered abuse or neglect, check out this post: Types of Abuse and Neglect with Examples

The abuse you faced is NOT your fault

Many abuse victims struggle with self-blame, believing the abuse they experienced is their fault. But here I am telling you: It is not your fault.

The rest of this post contains other reasons to remind you why and how the abuse you faced was not your fault.

I know how hard it can be to come to terms with that fact. I’m still struggling with it myself.

But I hope the information in this post can help you get closer to accepting, and eventually do accept, that the abuse you faced and how it affected you was not your fault.

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The abuse has NOTHING to do with you

The reasons for the abuse you faced had everything to do with your parents and nothing to do with you.

Try not to blame yourself for your parent’s inability to properly love and care for you. You are not the reason they didn’t treat you right. Nothing you did could’ve made them love you more or treat you better.

Recognize that how they treated you is likely something they’ve learned from their parents.

Let me preface this by saying that this is NOT a justification, just an explanation. Your parents likely carry around unresolved issues from their past, never able to heal their inner child.

And without being aware, reflecting, or healing, many children of abusers can, unfortunately, end up repeating their parent’s mistakes. This is part of why it’s so crucial for you to begin healing.

Regardless though, the abuse has NOTHING to do with you.

Just because they’re your parents doesn’t mean they can’t or won’t abuse you

Sometimes, I feel like other people are the reasons why we might blame ourselves for our abuse.

Society tends to frown upon people who speak ill of their parents. As their children, we’re expected to “honor” them. It’s like no matter how they treat us, we’re expected to tolerate it.

On top of that, we’re expected to respect and love them unconditionally because they “gave us life” and “raised us”.

Giving birth or having children does not automatically make someone loving and nurturing. I am so tired of hearing people say things like:

No mother would intentionally hurt her child.
No matter what your parents did, they’re still your parents.
Your parents are irreplaceable.
You only have one mother/father in life, so appreciate them while you still can.
Your mother didn’t mean that. You know deep down that she loves you.

These statements glorify parenthood, making the assumption that all parents are unconditionally loving and caring towards their children. Statements like this excuse abusive and neglectful parents from their actions.

Also, claiming how biological parents are irreplaceable or how you can only have one mother/father disregards adoptive and foster parents, legal guardians, same-sex couples, stepparents, and mother/father figures who ARE amazing parents that CAN replace unfit or abusive ones.

Worse of all, statements like these continue to reinforce the idea that if something is wrong with the relationship between us and our parents, it’s because something is wrong with us.

It continues to reinforce our guilt and self-blame. It continues to make us question whether what we’re facing is really abuse and if it is, then perhaps it is our fault.

But it is not our fault. We did not ask to be born. We do not owe our parents anything, especially if they’ve been abusive and harmful towards us.

You did NOT ask for it

Your parents might have tried to make the abuse your fault, claiming you asked for it. But no.

Unless you straight up walked up to them and asked them to hurt you, hit you, or insult you, then no, you did NOT ask to be abused.

Claiming you asked for it is just the abuser’s way to manipulate you into thinking it’s your fault. It’s to shift the blame away from them so they don’t have to live with the guilt because they likely know that what they’re doing is wrong.

Your abusive parent might’ve claimed you asked for it because you were just so troublesome or difficult. But how you behaved as a child or who you are is irrelevant.

Your misbehavior or disobedience does NOT justify your parents’ mistreatment of you. If your parent decided to discipline you using cruel and unusual punishments, that is completely on them.

You did not ask for it. You did not deserve it. No matter who you are or how you behaved doesn’t justify how your parents treated you.

Your parents’ issues and circumstances do not justify the abuse

You may try to make sense of your parents’ behavior by justifying it.

Mom was sick.
Dad was depressed.
My parents were stressed and overwhelmed.
There was a lot going on at home.
We were struggling financially.
At least I had clothes, food, and shelter.

No matter how difficult your parents’ life or circumstances was, does NOT justify them abusing you.

If they were depressed, stressed, or whatever else, it is their responsibility to deal with it or find healthy ways to cope, not take it out on their child.

Many parents are going through rough times. Many parents struggle mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially. But they are still able to give their children the love and attention they deserve.

Difficult circumstances, health issues, or mental conditions do NOT justify being abusive.

You were just a child

You might think the abuse is your fault because you let it happen, that you did nothing to stop the abuse.

But let me remind you: You were just a child.

You were young, helpless, and programmed to obey authority. Also, you likely have no one else to turn to but your parents. You have no choice but to go along with them.

You went along out of self-defense and protection. They were the adults, the ones with power and control over you. So it is not your fault and not on you if you didn’t do anything to stop it. You weren’t strong, big, or powerful enough to.

Not speaking up about it is NOT your fault

Some people might blame you, at least partially, because you did not speak up about the abuse or because you took forever to speak out about it.

Why’d you wait this long? That means it wasn’t that bad.
You’re only speaking up about it now for attention.
It probably didn’t even happen if you waited this long.

Statements like these might make you feel guilty. But they are WRONG.

That is victim-blaming at its finest. And unfortunately, I’ve encountered it many times before, even from people who are supposed to help abuse victims.

It is extremely hard to come to terms that what we experienced was abuse. It’s even harder to open up about it and even harder to reach out for help.

There’s this shame that comes with being abused like it’s our fault that it happened, like we did something wrong.

And people reacting this way is also exactly the reason why victims have trouble speaking up and reaching out in the first place.

If you didn’t speak up about your abuse, it’s not your fault. You’re scared of possible repercussions or retaliation from the abuser. You’re scared of how people might react or somehow put all the blame on you.

And those fears are very valid because it does happen. It happened to me and it happened to many other victims.

If you did reach out for help, I’m proud of you for taking that step and having that courage. And if it backfired, I’m extremely sorry. But you did NOTHING wrong.

And if you think it was too late, no it’s not. It’s never too late to speak up about your trauma. It’s never too late to reach out for help. You can connect with a certified therapist here.

You did NOT deserve it

Like me, you might’ve thought maybe you deserved the abuse.

Not only do you blame yourself for your parents’ abuse, but you might blame yourself for everything bad that’s happening to you.

Maybe you think you’re a bad person. Or maybe you think you’re ungrateful. Maybe you often focus on your flaws and mistakes, using them as reasons why you deserve bad things happening to you.

This might be you trying to make sense of your experiences. Or maybe it’s you trying to convince yourself that things happen for a reason because it’s hard to accept that a parent would intentionally hurt their child. So it’s got to be the child’s fault, right?

Unfortunately, bad things happen to good people all the time. And many children who deserve loving parents don’t have them. But that does not at all mean they deserve it.

Let’s try this: Picture another child getting hurt by their parents. Would you say they deserve it? Even if the child was disobedient, rebellious, or a brat, does that mean they deserve to get beaten or have their self-worth insulted to oblivion? No.

That’s just how children are. Yes, some are more well-behaved than others, but parenting also plays a role in that.

If your parents often beat you or yell at you, then it’s expected for you as a child to pick up on that behavior. Either way, you did not deserve to be abused.

Thinking it’s your fault is NOT your fault

Try to realize that your self-blame, guilt, and believing the abuse is your fault are part of the abuse.

Your abusive parents might’ve blamed the abuse on you to shift blame, keep you from telling others about it, and remove their own guilt so they can continue to abuse you.

Whenever I confronted either of my parents about the physical abuse I faced as a child, these were their responses:

You were a difficult child.
It was discipline, not abuse.
You were misbehaving a lot. You left me no choice.
Parents hit their kids all the time in our culture.
You screamed a lot and nothing we did would stop it. What’d you expect me to do?
You hit me first.
That didn’t happen.

As you can see, from the few times I confronted my parents about this, they resorted to gaslighting, shift-blaming, or denial.

They don’t care how it made me feel or how their actions and words affect me. They only care that in their minds, it’s totally justified.

Your parents’ abuse did a number on you. You likely repeat that same treatment to yourself now. And it’s difficult to change what’s been programmed in you early on.

You end up believing the hurtful things they said to you, including ones where they blame you for their actions. And if your own parents saw you as stupid, worthless, and at fault, why wouldn’t you start believing that yourself? I know I would.

You are NOT weak

You may blame yourself for having to deal with the aftermath of the abuse. Maybe you struggle with certain physical or mental health symptoms that were caused by the abuse you experienced.

You might think you’re weak or sensitive for letting it affect you. But that is not your fault.

I don’t think anyone comes out of abuse unaffected. Some people are less affected than others, but they are still affected nonetheless. And it will take time and effort to heal from it.

But you’re still here and you’re still trying. You’re here right now reading this post. That means you are healing. This shows that you’re not weak. You are resilient.

Also, as hard as it is, realize that how your abuse shaped you does not define you as a person.

It can be hard to separate yourself from the effects of the abuse. But as you go through your healing journey, it will slowly come to light.

Childhood Abuse is NOT Your Fault - Reminders | Hopeful Panda

To learn more about how the abuse you faced wasn’t your fault, check out the book, It Wasn’t Your Fault. This guide presents a mindfulness and compassion-based approach to help you overcome the shame that keeps you tied to the past.

Final Words

I know logically that none of the abuse I faced was my fault. Neither was how the abuse affected me and how it shaped me as a person. But I still can’t help but feel at fault for something.

However, I continue to remind myself time and time again. It was not my fault.

Once you can accept that your childhood abuse is and was not your fault, you can start healing.

The abuse you faced and how it affected you wasn’t on you. That was out of your control and you didn’t deserve any of it. Regardless of what anyone else says, the only one at fault in this situation is the abuser.

However, what you choose to do about it now is up to you. You have the power to start working towards accepting that it’s not your fault. And you have the power to start healing.

It’s not easy at all. In fact, it’ll be very difficult. But give yourself the patience, compassion, kindness, time, and attention that you missed out on growing up.

In the end, I know I said it time and time again here and in my other posts, but the abuse you faced was NOT your fault. It can be hard to accept because I still have trouble with it sometimes.

But every time you start feeling guilty or start blaming yourself for the trauma you endured as a child in the hands of your parents, remind yourself: It was not my fault. Nothing I did would have changed anything.