When your earliest relationship was with abusive parents, it sets a precedent for how any relationships down the road may be. Learning the signs of a healthy relationship can hopefully steer you towards better, healthier relationships down the road.
Maybe you unconsciously seek out or end up in relationships that echo familiar patterns of toxicity, drawn to people similar to your parents. Or you may have issues stemming from your childhood that cause problems and codependency in your current relationships.
Most people want to be in a long-term, loving, healthy relationship. But to be in one takes hard work, dedication, and mutual effort. And there are even more obstacles when you’ve been through some sort of trauma or abuse.
It’s difficult to apply the same standards to every relationship. However, healthy relationships do depend on a few key elements.
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Healthy Relationships Take Work
A healthy relationship isn’t something that happens overnight or by default. Ittakes consistent work from everyone involved. But learning about the signs of a healthy relationship can make the work easier.
So to give a little backstory, my husband and I started as 19-year-old college students with zero dating experience. We were also a thousand miles from each other back then. Now, we have a home together, are parents to my sister, and are planning the rest of our lives together.
In the beginning, signs of a healthy relationship were lacking, due to all the obstacles we had including my struggling mental health. But together, we learned how to communicate, trust, resolve conflicts, and support one another.
The initial long-distance phase of our relationship was brutal and I have no desire to experience it again. But I’m actually very grateful for it. Because of the distance, we had to learn to communicate, trust, and get creative to keep the relationship going.
The distance allowed us to truly get to know each other and be forced to work through things using just our words. And when we were finally physically together, we appreciated and savored every moment, even now, after years of living together.
Of course, there are and will be moments of conflict or stress. But we talk and work through them. Our relationship will continue to take work as we move forward. But what we get out of this relationship far outweighs any work we have to put in. After all, it doesn’t feel like work when you truly love and care for someone.
1. Communicating Openly and Honestly
One of the most important signs of a healthy relationship, as you’ve probably heard a lot, is communication, specifically, open and honest communication. Many relationships don’t work out because of ineffective or lack of communication.
When you grew up with abusive parents, you likely never learned to properly communicate. Communication is not arguments or screaming matches. It’s not yelling or insulting the other person or each other.
Open and honest communication means both partners are comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and opinions freely and honestly to each other without fear of judgment or punishment.
Additionally, communication isn’t just expressing and talking, it also involves listening. Good communication also means that you and your partner can listen to one another and feel heard whenever you talk.
And remember, communication goes both ways. If one person refuses to participate, it goes nowhere.
Signs of Open and Honest Communication
You can openly talk about any problems that might come up, big or small, whether in your individual lives or your life together.
You say what you mean and mean what you say.
Both of you actively listen to each other when talking.
You’re able to talk about basically everything going on in your lives. There are no forbidden topics.
You’re comfortable bringing up issues in the relationship or about a specific behavior
You’re able to ask each other to make changes, but not in a controlling or demanding way.
You can voice your needs and ask for what you want while also taking your partner’s needs and wants into consideration.
You’re able to talk about difficult topics regardless of how tough it could be to discuss.
You can share opinions and perspectives and respect each other’s views even when there are differing opinions.
2. Trusting and Developing Trust
Another healthy and essential sign of a healthy relationship is trust. I believe trust is the foundation of relationships. If you don’t trust the person you are with, you can’t be fully committed to them or the relationship.
However, it’s also true that trust has to be developed. This could be especially difficult for people who have been betrayed or hurt before. That’s why healing is so important. Once you start healing, you can start trusting.
But that doesn’t mean blindly trusting whoever whenever. Trust is established by how partners treat one another. It is built by being honest and consistent with your words and actions. And it is just as important for your partner to earn your trust as it is for you to earn theirs.
Signs of Trust in Relationships
You believe what your partner says and don’t question their integrity.
You don’t feel the need to prove or test each other’s trustworthiness or loyalty.
You’re confident that your partner wouldn’t do anything to hurt you or the relationship.
You’re open and honest with each other and don’t keep secrets from one another.
You feel safe with your partner physically and emotionally.
The relationship is a safe space.
You rely on each other and know you’re there for each other physically and emotionally when needed.
You’re confident your partner would follow through on their words.
You believe your partner would not lie or cheat.
You trust your partner no matter who they spend time with or where they go.
You’re confident that your partner has your best interests in mind.
3. Cultivating Interdependence and Mutual Respect
Most healthy relationships are described as interdependent, which means relying on one another for support, cooperation, and mutual benefits while maintaining your identity as a unique individual.
In other words, both of you maintain your independence while working together to contribute to the relationship’s strength, stability, and success.
So you know you have your partner’s approval and love, but your self-esteem and sense of self don’t depend on them. In a way, it can be seen as the opposite of enmeshment.
For a relationship to be interdependent, there needs to be mutual respect, which I think is essential for any relationship to work. Not only does it lay the groundwork for trust, but it’s needed for most of these other signs of a healthy relationship to be possible.
Mutual respect means seeing the worth in each other as partners, as unique individuals, and as equals. It means valuing each other regardless of status, career, income, race, or gender. One person isn’t seen as better or more powerful than the other.
A relationship built on mutual respect tends to have healthier dynamics. And having a balanced dynamic is crucial, especially for those of us healing from the dysfunctional dynamics we grew up in. It helps counter the toxic patterns and behaviors we’ve become so used to.
Signs of Interdependence and Mutual Respect
You respect each other as equals and as individuals and hold each other to the same standards.
You give each other the freedom to be yourselves.
You’re understanding and empathetic and don’t demean or belittle one another.
You value each other’s opinions, feelings, and needs, able to express them respectfully even if there are disagreements or arguments.
You listen and try to understand each other.
You don’t say hurtful things about each other’s personal choices.
You’re mindful of how you talk and act around each other.
You value and respect each other regardless of status, career, income, race, or gender.
Neither of you suggests that the other’s desires, choices, or needs are more or less important.
Both of you share the power in the relationship. As in, neither one is bossing the other around.
You make important decisions together unless otherwise agreed upon.
You respect each other’s needs, wishes, and boundaries.
You’re able to maintain your own identities within the relationship.
You’re not afraid to voice your needs and ask for what you want. But you don’t need your partner to meet all your needs.
You offer support and make room for each other in your lives.
You’ve established healthy boundaries that your partner respects and vice versa.
You each have personal goals, interests, hobbies, and connections outside of the relationship.
You care for one another but can also practice self-care as individuals.
Both of you have a clear sense of self and healthy self-esteem that isn’t affected by or dependent on each other.
4. Setting Healthy Boundaries and Honoring Consent
Having healthy boundaries in a relationship allows each person to maintain their autonomy, protect their emotional and physical well-being, and communicate their needs and limits.
Abusive parents tend to overstep and violate boundaries. As a result, you might struggle with knowing what boundaries are or how to set them. You can learn more in How to Set Healthy Boundaries.
Establishing healthy boundaries also means practicing and honoring consent.
It’s important to discuss sex, sexual activities, and any form of physical intimacy that might be on or off the table beforehand. Every physical act a couple engages in requires both partners’ consent.
It’s also important to remember that just because a partner consents to one act doesn’t mean they consent to others. They also have the right to stop at any time regardless of prior consent.
It’s possible to have blanket consent, which is commonly used in committed relationships, where both partners explicitly agree to everything unless otherwise stated (exceptions, limits, etc). But remember that blanket consent is immediately off the table whenever your partner is uncomfortable with something or when they say “no” or “stop”.
Finally, please also be aware that having boundaries doesn’t mean keeping secrets, which can hurt trust and intimacy in a relationship. And most importantly, boundaries are NOT to be used as a means to control or manipulate someone.
Abusers or toxic people might claim you’re violating their boundaries as way to control and manipulate your behavior, isolate you, or avoid dealing with important issues or conflicts.
Boundaries are supposed to be set with the intention of creating mutual respect, understanding, and well-being. So if guilt, shame, or manipulation is involved in the process of setting boundaries, then it’s likely being used in a very unhealthy way.
Signs of Healthy Boundaries and Consent
You each have boundaries and respect each other’s boundaries.
You respect each other’s need for time and space apart sometimes.
You have your own space and privacy.
You’re able to spend quality time together and apart.
You don’t tell each other what to do, what to wear, or who to hang out with.
You don’t restrict each other’s contact with other people, in person or virtually.
You’re able to talk openly about sex and sexual acts together.
You can safely discuss what you are and aren’t comfortable with.
Both of you can say “no” without fear of repercussions.
Both of you can take “no” for an answer without getting angry or upset.
Neither of you pressures, guilts, or coerces the other into sexual activity or anything else they’re not comfortable with.
5. Being Mutually Supportive and Working Together
It takes two (or more) people to be in a relationship. So it’s up to you and your partner to make the relationship work and thrive.
Being in a relationship means working together and supporting one another, even when you don’t see eye to eye on something or have different goals.
A supportive relationship allows everyone involved to feel valued, heard, and validated. It creates a safe environment for personal growth and healing. It also allows you to navigate challenges together, which further strengthens the relationship.
Learning to be in a collaborative partnership can also be healing. It gives you a chance to break the cycle of abuse and establish healthier dynamics based on respect, empathy, and teamwork.
Signs of Mutual Support and Teamwork
You’re able to work together and solve problems as a team.
You encourage and inspire each other to be your best selves and to keep growing.
You’re there for each other for comfort and support when something negative happens.
You can depend on each other when you’re struggling.
You’re always ready to offer support when your partner needs you and vice versa.
You cheer each other on and celebrate each other’s victories and accomplishments.
You’re there for each other’s important events.
You support and encourage each other’s pursuits and passions.
6. Reciprocating
Reciprocity in a relationship shows that both partners are equally invested in the relationship’s success and well-being. It involves a mutual give-and-take where both contribute to the relationship’s growth, support, and stability.
Reciprocating may include a fair distribution of responsibilities like homely duties, childcare, and other relevant tasks. However, as long as both partners discussed and agreed upon their assigned responsibilities, it’s okay if it isn’t exactly fair distribution.
But reciprocity also applies to intangible things like affection, communication, and expectations such as initiating conversations and affection and planning activities. Since this is about intimacy, both partners should contribute.
Natural reciprocity tends to appear in strong, healthy relationships. However, this doesn’t mean that both partners are always 100% equal. That’s just not possible or realistic.
At times, one partner may need more help and support. In certain cases, a partner may prefer to take on more responsibilities. So imbalances are fine as long as both individuals are okay with the dynamic and getting the support they need.
It’s also important to recognize that reciprocity is not about keeping score. A relationship is not supposed to be transactional like “What do I get out of doing this for you?”.
Being in a relationship means you do things for one another because you genuinely want to, not because you want or expect something in return.
But in the end, the most important thing is that both partners are content with how much each is contributing to the relationship.
Signs of Reciprocity
You co-parent if you have children together.
Both of you put similar amounts of effort into the success of the relationship.
You do things for each other out of love and care, not because you expect something in return.
You both contribute fairly equally financially, emotionally, and physically unless otherwise agreed upon.
Neither of you is giving too much or not enough in the relationship.
You can support and be there for each other during times of need without complaining about the turmoil the other is dealing with.
Both of you make sacrifices for the benefit of the relationship when necessary.
Both of you are content with the distribution of responsibilities and expectations in the relationship.
7. Embracing Conflict Resolution and Compromise
Even in healthy relationships, disagreements are bound to happen. So from time to time, you might feel frustrated or angry with each other. That’s normal and it doesn’t mean you have an unhealthy relationship.
Relationships that don’t have conflicts might seem ideal. However, knowing how to argue and resolve conflict effectively is more important than avoiding arguments to keep the peace.
When conflicts arise, you may be tempted to withdraw or shut down since that was probably a common coping mechanism for you growing up. But if you are with someone safe that you trust, then you need to work through the conflict together rather than avoid it.
Conflict can be healthy in relationships, especially when serious problems need to be addressed. It allows partners to communicate and make changes that will benefit the relationship in the long term.
Healthy conflict resolution typically leads to solutions or compromise, which means meeting each other halfway to reach an agreement.
It’s important to remember that you might not be able to work everything out right away. Some things take time. However, if you and your partner can feel better after a conversation and understand each other a little more, then that is progress.
You might not always want the same thing as your partner and vice versa. You cannot agree on every single thing. The important thing is that you can reach a consensus of understanding and at least agree to disagree.
If I bottled up everything that bothered me about my relationship or ignored every issue my husband brought up, we might not even be together anymore. Or we’d be miserable.
Problems don’t usually fix themselves. If my husband did something to upset me, it’s even more important for me to bring it up rather than keep quiet and build resentment. He can’t read my mind and I cannot expect him to. Again, communication is crucial.
Signs of Conflict Resolution and Compromise
You’re willing to communicate and work through conflicts and arguments that arise.
You can remain empathetic and respectful toward one another during a conflict.
Neither of you blows things out of proportion and can see the situation or issue objectively.
Both of you refrain from personal attacks such as name-calling, insults, accusations, or blame.
Neither of you will resort to aggression or violence.
Neither of you will lash out or get loud at your partner if you’re upset, angry, annoyed, or frustrated.
You’re able to discuss thoughts and feelings non-judgmentally.
You’re able to calmly and reasonably negotiate during arguments or disagreements.
Both of you can take responsibility for your actions and words, able to apologize, and make amends when in the wrong.
Both of you are willing to listen to your partner’s perspective and try to understand it from their point of view.
Neither of you assumes what the other is thinking or feeling.
You’re patient with one another and willing to forgive and let things go.
Both of you can focus on finding a solution rather than winning the argument or being right.
Both of you can resolve conflicts with a solution or compromise, even if it may take a while.
And when a resolution can’t be reached, both of you can reach a consensus of understanding and agree to disagree.
8. Fostering Intimacy
When people hear the word “intimacy” regarding relationships, most often think of sex. However, intimacy is so much more than just sex. Not all couples need or want sex, though it is perfectly valid to want it in a relationship.
But what intimacy means to one couple might not mean the same to another. Intimacy simply means being close to your partner. It’s essential for a healthy relationship because it helps strengthen the bond you have.
It’s important to recognize that passion and intimacy are different. Passion tends to decline over time as a relationship continues. However, the amount of affection and intimacy doesn’t have to.
Intimacy involves open communication, vulnerability, and trust. It allows you to share your feelings, fears, desires, and dreams. And it helps build a safe and supportive environment where you both can feel seen, heard, and valued.
There is no “correct” type of amount of intimacy in a relationship. How much, how often, and how you want to be intimate with each other depends on you and your partner.
What makes a relationship healthy is that both partners are content with the level of intimacy they share. And it can be expressed in a variety of ways such as opening up to one another, sharing ideas and opinions, having meaningful conversations, spending quality time together, or even simple physical gestures like a kiss or hug.
Signs of Intimacy
You’re comfortable initiating and talking about sex and other physically intimate activities with each other.
You’re comfortable expressing interest in either more or less physical intimacy with each other.
Both of you can talk about fears, hopes, dreams, and complex emotions with one another and feel heard when you do.
You’re comfortable and able to appreciate each other’s presence in silence.
You enjoy meaningful conversations.
You’re able to share and exchange ideas and opinions with each other.
You enjoy spending quality time with each other, whether mundane or exciting.
You have common interests and activities that you can enjoy together.
Both of you are emotionally and physically content with the relationship.
If you aren’t as intimate with your partner as you’d like, remember that intimacy is built over time. It requires patience and communication. So if you want to be closer to your partner, talk to them about it and give it time.
9. Nurturing Comfort and Acceptance
It’s normal to experience some discomfort when a relationship is still new.
When I first met my husband in person after months of talking every day, I was such an awkward, anxious mess. I was extremely self-conscious and worried about every little thing I did or said.
I’m sure I was more anxious than “normal” thanks to my upbringing. My mother’s words about how unlovable, ugly, and awful I am kept echoing in my head. It was so hard for me to be comfortable and be myself because “myself” might be all those things my mother said I was.
It’s hard for those of us who experienced that kind of abuse to open up in a relationship, especially when it’s still new. It takes time, communication, and mutual respect and understanding.
Over time, as the intimacy of a relationship grows, partners begin to reveal more of their thoughts, opinions, beliefs, interests, and memories to one another.
As my husband and I spent more time together and got to know each other, our comfort levels grew, soon to the point where we could just be our silly, everyday selves. Now, he’s the person I’m most comfortable with and I’m that person for him.
It’s important to be comfortable with being yourself in a relationship. You deserve a partner who accepts everything about you and loves you just the way you are.
While each couple has varying levels of openness and self-disclosure, you should never feel like you have to hide aspects of yourself or change who you are.
You don’t need to share every detail about yourself with your partner. Everyone needs their privacy and space. But you should feel comfortable sharing things you want to without worrying about judgment or rejection.
Signs of Acceptance and Comfort
You accept each other as is and care about each other regardless.
You accept each other’s history and flaws. But you also support each other’s best interests so the other can change for the better if necessary.
Both of you want to watch each other grow into your best selves.
Neither of you is fixated on who the other used to be or who you think they should be.
Both of you can be honest about your likes, dislikes, quirks, guilty pleasures, kinks, interests, and hobbies.
Neither of you feels like aspects of yourself need to be hidden or changed.
You see each other for who you truly are, not an idealized version.
You’re comfortable sharing things about yourselves with each other.
You embrace each other’s differences and find a way to appreciate them.
You’re comfortable being yourselves around each other and love each other just the way you are.
10. Expressing Kindness and Appreciation
After being in a relationship for some time, it’s easy to slip into the habit of taking your partner and the relationship for granted. When that happens, the care and appreciation you have for one another might diminish.
This can eventually lead to other problems like arguments, frustration, resentment, and doubt about whether the relationship will last or whether you should end it.
So it’s necessary to express kindness and appreciation towards each other regularly. Make it a habit! Treating the person you love with care, consideration, empathy, appreciation, and affection is a strong sign of a healthy relationship.
Being able to accept kindness and appreciation from your partner is important as well. But it can be challenging when you’re not used to it.
You might feel like you don’t deserve it or have trouble believing the sincerity of it. But remind yourself that expressing and accepting kindness and appreciation helps the relationship grow.
Couples that often express kindness and gratitude towards one another report feeling more fulfilled and happy in their relationships.
Signs of Kindness & Appreciation
You treat each other with respect, kindness, care, and affection.
Both of you pay full attention, actively listen, and try to understand and consider each other’s perspectives.
You genuinely compliment, praise, encourage, inspire, and motivate each other, even on simple things.
You’re warm toward one another.
You frequently say “please” and “thank you” to each other, even for things you expect.
You frequently say “I love you” and express your love toward one another.
Both of you consistently express kindness and appreciation for one another.
You’re often accommodating and helpful toward each other.
You always consider each other’s feelings.
You can say “I appreciate it” or “I appreciate you”.
You’re able to remain kind and considerate during tough times.
You pay attention to and appreciate the little and big things you do for each other.
You add small, meaningful gestures into your daily routine for each other.
Both of you cherish each moment together.
Both of you acknowledge and appreciate everything you do for each other and frequently express it.
11. Welcoming Curiosity and Novelty
After being together for a while and keeping up with the daily grind, some couples can fall into the same old routine, leading to boredom and a lack of fulfillment in the relationship.
Mundane and routine are not necessarily bad or unhealthy. But couples who try to keep things interesting and remain curious about each other are usually happier and more satisfied in their relationship.
Change can be scary and discomforting. But try to explore and embrace new experiences together from time to time. It keeps things fresh and allows you to continuously learn about one another.
Welcoming curiosity and novelty can prevent the relationship from going stale. It can also reignite a spark or passion that might’ve faded.
Signs of Curiosity and Novelty
You are interested in each other’s thoughts, feelings, and everyday life.
You want to learn more about one another.
Both of you can talk about topics you’re not normally interested in because it’s important to your partner.
You’re curious about how the other sees things and are considerate of each other’s perspectives.
You make time for each other to be intimate or bond.
You’re able to try new things together to break out of the daily routine.
You plan date nights and activities to do together.
12. Sharing Values and Goals
It makes sense to have your values, dreams, goals, and preferences as separate individuals. But it’s also important to have shared values and goals as a couple.
When both partners have similar values and goals, they’re more likely to support and uplift each other. They will also be aligned in the direction they and the relationship are heading.
Once you’re in a committed, long-term relationship, “my life” is no longer just “my life”. It becomes “our life”. Whatever each of you does will affect the other person.
If you want to be in a stable, committed, long-term relationship, you and your partner must share goals for the future. Should you move in together? Buy a home together? Get married? Have kids?
You must be on the same page regarding future plans. That way, you’d know if you share the same values and goals. It’s better to discuss these early on so it won’t become a problem down the road.
Signs of Shared Values and Goals
You’ve established and agreed upon the status of the relationship.
Both of you want the same things for the most part in terms of the relationship.
Both of you are satisfied with the pace the relationship is going and the direction it’s heading.
You share realistic expectations for the relationship.
You’ve discussed and agreed on things like living arrangements, marriage, children, finances, contributions, and other important decisions regarding the relationship.
Both of you are committed to achieving your shared goals together.
13. Feeling Joy and Contentment
At the end of the day, perhaps the most important sign could just be that you’re happy with your partner and the relationship. Because, if you’re not happy, it doesn’t matter how many other signs of a healthy relationship you check off.
Although there will be times of anger, annoyance, disappointment, or sadness, most of what you should experience in your relationship is happiness, pleasure, comfort, stability, and joy.
If you’re going through difficult times, this could be hard to determine. So think about it this way: Does your partner make dealing with difficulties easier or harder?
Life challenges might affect one or both of you at times. Being able to share lighter moments and still laugh and have fun together can help you destress and feel better. You should be with someone that improves your life.
For many people, key relationship goals include increased happiness and life satisfaction. You don’t have to be on cloud nine all the time. But you should still be able to be happy together and have fun most of the time.
Signs of Joy and Contentment
You make each other’s lives better.
You make each other happy.
You’re safe and comfortable with each other.
You feel pleasant emotions in the relationship for the most part.
You enjoy each other’s company.
You’re able to have fun and laugh together.
You rarely have doubts about the relationship.
You can see the relationship lasting for a very long time, perhaps even “forever”.
When to Seek Help or End a Relationship
If you continuously have issues or continue to feel unfulfilled in a relationship, consider seeking couples therapy. A professional can offer guidance on communication and coping mechanisms for issues that might be challenging your relationship.
But please remember that you can’t force someone to change their behavior unless they want to. If your partner is uninterested and unwilling to try therapy, you can attend on your own and focus on your own needs and healing.
If there are issues that can’t be resolved or if the relationship is ultimately dysfunctional, unhealthy, or toxic, you can consider ending it. It might hurt to leave, but you need to do what’s best for your well-being.
Also, remember that you don’t need permission to leave a relationship that you no longer want to be in. You are allowed to walk away for whatever reason.
Conclusion
Again, it’s difficult to apply the same standards to every relationship because every individual and relationship is different. The most important thing is that you are better with your partner.
You feel better, you want to be better, and your life is better with them in it. It’s okay if you don’t check off every single thing on this list.
But if there is something on this list that you feel is missing to give you a fuller, more loving relationship, bring it up with your partner. Communicate! Then, make appropriate changes together to address it.
Please also remember that relationships can’t be 100% healthy all the time. During times of hardships, stress, and other challenges, unhealthy behaviors can arise and create problems. However, as long as you work through it together, you will come out stronger.
A relationship becomes unhealthy when the bad outweighs the good or when certain behaviors become harmful to one or both individuals. Continue to work on yourselves and the relationship together. And appreciate, love, and care for one another.
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Hi there, I’m Estee. My own experiences with an abusive mother inspired me to create Hopeful Panda. You can learn more about me and my blog here.
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