How to Set Healthy Boundaries After Childhood Abuse

Learning how to set healthy boundaries in your life is essential for your well-being, relationships, and healing journey.

Boundaries create a safe space for you.

But when you’re stuck in an abusive environment as a child, you have no choice but to give up that safe space to protect yourself.

As a result, many people who’ve experienced childhood abuse or trauma are conditioned to ignore or violate their own boundaries so they can survive their toxic environment.

Part of healing involves learning how to recreate that safe space. It involves learning how to identify, communicate, and enforce your boundaries.

It will be difficult, but with practice, it can be achieved.

In this post, I will discuss what healthy boundaries are, why they’re important, and how to set healthy boundaries in different aspects of your life.

The Lack of Boundaries

I grew up with a mother who didn’t respect personal space and privacy.

Locked doors were discouraged, even for bathrooms. Everyone would walk in on everyone doing their business.

It wasn’t till I was older that I started locking the door only to have my mother continuously knock, asking, “What’s so sexy you don’t want me to see?”

But boundaries aren’t just physical. They can also be emotional.

Talking about my needs or feelings was always met with criticisms or complaints. My feelings were often dismissed or ignored because they were a “burden”.

Meanwhile, even as a child, my mother expected me to cater to her every whim because her needs and desires take priority over all else. And if I don’t do it, I get punished.

If you grew up in a strict, abusive, or dysfunctional home like me, it’s likely that you rarely or never experienced what it’s like to have personal boundaries.

You may not know what they are or why they’re necessary for a healthy life.

The lack of personal boundaries may indicate a lack of an identity or an identity that’s enmeshed with someone else.

And this likely carries into your adult and present relationships where you may have trouble voicing your needs, desires, and what you’re not okay with.

In other words, your lack of boundaries may allow other people to push your buttons and take advantage of you.

What Are Healthy Boundaries?

Boundaries are guidelines, rules, limits, or expectations created to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to treat you.

It also involves your response or the consequences you’ll execute if and when those limits are overstepped or violated.

However, it’s important to note that setting boundaries doesn’t mean controlling the other person.

You can’t “set a boundary” around someone else’s behavior. Boundaries are for you. So ultimately, boundaries are about your own behavior.

If someone treats you in a way that you’re not comfortable with, you are the only one who can uphold that boundary because you can only control your own actions.

Setting boundaries lets people know where you stand and where you draw the line.

It lets you make a statement about what you need, and how you feel, and make a point about what is not okay.

Boundaries can range from super strict to nonexistent. Healthy boundaries typically fall somewhere in the middle.

Someone with healthy boundaries makes their expectations clear and is able to indicate what they are and aren’t okay with.

This helps establish what behavior and treatments they will accept and tolerate from other people and what they will not.

As mentioned before, boundaries can be physical or emotional.

Physical boundaries are what you’ll allow people to do in your physical presence and inside your home.

Emotional boundaries are how people are allowed to treat you.

It’s essential to establish both physical and emotional boundaries in various areas of your life.

Why Is Setting Healthy Boundaries Important?

Learning how to set boundaries for yourself is a way to manage your life, your time, and your health.

Research shows that it’s also essential for the healing process after abuse.

Healthy boundaries in different areas of your life can help you distribute time and attention appropriately and help you manage stress.

They can also help you develop a stronger identity and more autonomy. And you’ll be able to make decisions based on your best interests.

On top of that, setting boundaries is especially crucial for maintaining meaningful and healthy relationships.

It lets everyone involved know where they stand, gives room for discussion, and be on the same page.

Being able to set boundaries helps diminish disappointment, anger, frustration, confusion, or resentment.

Once you set certain boundaries, the other person would no longer have false hopes or assumptions about the relationship.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

The idea of setting boundaries is pretty simple, though implementing it may be difficult, especially if you have trouble saying “no” and spent most of your life adhering to what others want.

In the simplest of terms, the process of setting boundaries is to first figure out what you want from your relationships.

Then, come up with boundaries based on those wants.

Finally, be clear with yourself and with others about your boundaries and the consequences of breaking them.

Healthy boundaries can look different depending on the setting, the relationship, and what you personally want.

1. Understand why setting healthy boundaries is important

To first be able to introduce and set boundaries, it’s important to understand why they’re important and how they would benefit you.

Think about all the improvements setting healthy boundaries will bring to your life.

Because of what you were taught growing up, you may feel guilty or selfish when setting boundaries.

But remember, it’s necessary for your mental health and well-being. There’s nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. You have needs, too.

You may feel bad for hurting someone’s feelings. But please remember that setting boundaries isn’t to attack or offend the other person; it’s to protect and take care of yourself.

If the person respects you, they will respect your boundary.

2. Decide what you want

When you feel uncomfortable about something, try to see what caused you to feel that way.

Explore your thoughts, thinking patterns, actions, and reactions to different things.

This may be difficult if you’re used to tolerating discomfort. But you have the right to want what’s best for you.

Once you figure out what makes you uncomfortable or upset, you’ll be able to come up with boundaries to keep that in check.

You have the right to voice what you are not okay with!

Once you decide on what you want, establish and express your boundaries.

Then, come up with a reasonable consequence.

3. Examine existing boundaries

Take a moment to examine boundaries you might already have in place.

Then, think about whether you need to make any adjustments to those existing boundaries.

Are they too rigid or too loose? Are you distancing or shutting yourself out from other people? Is there anything you’re currently not okay with that others might not be aware of? When someone breaks your boundaries, do you keep letting it slide?

Make the necessary adjustments to address the various problems that might be coming from your existing boundaries.

It takes time for us to see whether a boundary we established is too much, too little, or just enough. So it’s normal for our boundaries to change.

However, try to remain consistent with them as best as you can.

4. Keep your boundaries simple

When establishing a boundary, there’s no need to overcomplicate or overthink it.

A simple “no” if and when someone asks you for something or does something to you that you’re not comfortable with should suffice.

There’s no need to stress yourself out or go too far in establishing a boundary.

A simple “no”, “stop”, or “that’s not okay” is enough.

If you’re a people-pleaser, saying “no” can be a hard thing to do. But it is doable.

Start practicing it with people you are more comfortable saying “no” to. Different people have different comfort levels, so start with someone you’re more comfortable voicing your needs to.

Although boundaries are beneficial to your mental health, try not to define your life with them. Anything in excess can be bad.

Establishing boundaries can be simple. Briefly and directly voice what you’re not okay with and what overstepping that boundary means.

In the end, do what’s best for you and trust your instincts.

5. Take it slowly

Starting off with a bunch of boundaries can be overwhelming, especially if you didn’t have many (or even any) to begin with. So take it slow and start small.

Establish a few simple ones and see how it goes.

Then, make the necessary adjustments or add boundaries as needed.

Again, I know I’m repeating myself at this point, but do what makes you comfortable. This is why you’re setting boundaries in the first place.

6. Set reasonable consequences

When setting boundaries, you can choose to briefly mention why they’re important and what violating or overstepping those boundaries mean.

For example, your friend keeps complaining about your partner. You may set a boundary by saying, “I don’t like hearing my partner being talked about negatively. I hope you can respect that.”

If they violate that boundary again, you could repeat what you said and add, “If you continue this, I might have to reconsider our friendship”.

However, it’s important to note that consequences are NOT the same as punishments or threats. They should NOT be used as threats to control someone else’s behavior.

Instead, you can see consequences as something triggered by a cause.

A friend constantly complaining about someone you love regardless of your discomfort will continue to strain the friendship, eventually causing it to end, even if you didn’t determine that consequence beforehand.

7. Stick to your boundaries and remain consistent

Although you can make changes and tweaks to your boundaries, it’s also important to try to remain consistent and stick to your boundaries as much as you can (as long as they’re beneficial to you).

Try not to let your boundaries slide. When you do, it could become a reason for others to continue to try to overstep. It may also cause new expectations and demands for people around you.

If someone breaks a boundary, carry out the consequences.

The only way to make your boundaries stick with other people is to stick to them yourselves.

If you don’t abide by the rules you set, why would the other person?

So try to keep things consistent and steady to reinforce and clearly establish your boundaries.

8. Focus on yourself when voicing a boundary

When setting boundaries, you might think you’re coming off as unfriendly or confrontational. However, you can set and maintain boundaries without upsetting other people.

When voicing a boundary, try to focus on yourself.

Phrase it in a way that makes you the focus so it wouldn’t feel like an attack on the other person.

For example, instead of saying “Stop texting or calling me when I’m at work”, maybe say “I don’t answer my phone or texts at work. It’s perhaps best to text or call me at another time, preferably in the evenings.”

9. Communicate

Effective communication in a relationship takes assumptions, guesses, or false expectations out of the equation.

Communication is critical when it comes to boundaries, especially if someone oversteps.

Effectively communicating doesn’t mean you have to overexplain or justify your boundary. It means being able to briefly and directly state your boundary in a clear manner.

When someone violates or oversteps, that’s when you should raise your concerns.

You don’t have to be confrontational about it. But you should learn to voice your needs and assert your boundaries.

Once again, focus on yourself when voicing your boundary, not the other person. This way, you won’t offend or hurt the other person while still getting your point across.

Boundaries will vary in different areas of your life

You may have some basic boundaries like the right to your privacy or the right to be treated with respect.

However, try to analyze the different boundaries you have in place for different areas of your life.

Of course, your boundaries regarding a relationship would vary depending on the setting, the type of relationship you have, who the other person is, and your history with the person.

For instance, you may have looser boundaries with your friends and partner than with your children.

Meanwhile, you may have stricter boundaries with a toxic family member or coworker.

What applies to people also applies to the setting you are in, such as how boundaries you have at work may be stricter than the ones at home.

Recognizing how your boundaries are different with different people and settings can help you better grasp how to set them.

Recognize and respect other people’s boundaries

While it’s important for other people to recognize and respect your boundaries, it’s just as important for you to recognize and respect other people’s boundaries, even if they’re different than yours.

It’s essential to establish a relationship based on mutual trust and respect.

As mentioned before, boundaries may vary based on circumstances, individuals, relationships, and settings.

Most boundaries (yours and other people’s) aren’t explicitly stated. Usually, there’s no need to voice a boundary unless it’s overstepped or violated.

So the best thing to do is to use common sense. If you want clarity or confirmation, simply ask.

There can be many reasons why others might not voice their boundaries. That’s probably something you’re familiar with.

Some people may have trouble saying “no” or have trouble voicing their discomfort for fear of offending the other person.

It’s not your job to determine other people’s boundaries.

However, you can still be observant and make reasonable conclusions based on how someone reacts to your behavior towards them.

For example, if you’re talking about something and the other person keeps changing the subject, perhaps it’s safe to assume that it’s not something they’re comfortable talking about.

Whether it’s something you want to discuss with them depends on your relationship with them and how important it is to you.

How to set boundaries when they’re repeatedly violated

Setting boundaries takes practice and restraint.

You may be tempted to let things slide, especially if it’s what you’re used to growing up. But try your best to stand your ground.

It’s important to stick to what you originally set. Your boundaries are there for your well-being.

When someone repeatedly violates and oversteps, it’s perhaps best to put some distance between you if possible.

When it’s a personal relationship, you can consider ending it or at least limit the amount of contact and interaction you have.

Related: How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissistic Parent.

Things get more complicated when someone of authority (e.g. boss, cop, teacher) is the one repeatedly violating your boundaries.

In this case, it’s best to identify and weigh your available options. Decide which steps you need to take and all the possible risks you could be facing when taking such steps.

In the end, it’s up to you whether you want to tolerate the repeated violations to avoid the risks, walk away from it if possible, or involve someone of higher authority.

Unfortunately, sometimes, all you can do is suck it up because there is no other option.

If you grew up in a strict or abusive household, then you don’t need me to tell you that that’s just the reality of certain situations.

Conclusion

Setting boundaries is already tough on its own, requiring courage, practice, and self-awareness to do. And it’s even more difficult when you were taught otherwise by your parents.

But knowing how to set boundaries is necessary, not just for healing, but for your overall well-being.

Setting boundaries is a form of self-care. Remember, you have the right to take care of yourself. You have the right to voice what you are okay and not okay with.

Your comfort, needs, and wants matter.