This is a post I’ve been wanting to write for a while. Unlike other posts, I have more trouble writing personal ones since it’s like I’m reliving everything. I needed to be emotionally prepared for this one and I think I am now.
As you’re reading this, please realize that this is my story based on my personal experiences. Just because something happened to me – good or bad – doesn’t mean it does or will happen to you or someone else. Like with any situation, many different factors can play a role.
Anyway, one traumatic night with CPS and three grueling years of dealing with the system later, I finally became the legal guardian with full physical custody of my siblings.
Background
Before I get into how I got custody, here’s some context about why this path was necessary.
So I grew up with an abusive mother and enabling father (which is mentioned in my other posts and is the reason I started this blog). I was physically and emotionally abused on basically a daily basis. My mother also constantly emotionally abused my father and siblings as well.
I covered many of my mother’s abuse in this post and discussed the effects it personally had on me in this post.
Let’s Start Here
Since this story concerns gaining custody of my siblings, let’s start with the older one, Kame.
Kame came along when I was six years old. Instantly, he was my mother’s favorite. I was often compared to him and often blamed for things he did. And this, unsurprisingly, put a strain on my relationship with him.
When I was around 13, my mother left the family to pursue some man she met online halfway across the world. I actually begged her to stay, worried that she might get murdered. But she left anyway.
Because she wasn’t there to play favorites anymore, it kind of allowed me to grow closer to Kame.
About a month or so later, my mother returned and said that she slept with the stranger. She also proudly proclaimed that she did nothing wrong. In fact, she even blamed me and my father for making her leave.
So my father asked for a divorce. And it happened.
Dad got full custody since my mother was the one who left us and intends to leave us again. They decided not to sell the house so we can still have a home, which just made things more complicated and problematic.
My mother started traveling back and forth between this man and us, spending a few months here, a few months there. She refused to pay any bills while staying with us, claiming she’s doesn’t live there permanently. And my father couldn’t do anything about it because she owned half the house. Not selling the house is something that continues to haunt my father today. But that’s a story for another time.
So whenever my mother’s back, chaos followed. She caused trouble every day, threw tantrums, broke things, and continued to emotionally abuse everyone.
Ushi was Born
On one of her returns, my mother claimed she was pregnant with the man’s baby and that she was going to marry him. Later, my half-sister, Ushi, was born. And she easily became part of the family.
My mother continued traveling back and forth with Ushi, a few months at a time.
When she was here, my mother often left Ushi alone. So my father and I sort of became Ushi’s unofficial parents. And we were fine with it. It only meant less of mom and more of cute baby. But when my mother took Ushi away, I’d cry for days, worried about the poor helpless baby in the hands of that abusive monster.
When Ushi turned five, my mother decided to stay with us permanently so that Ushi can go to school here. I was ecstatic. I get to see Ushi all the time now and protect her from my mother as much as I can.
My mother would visit her man in the summers and that arrangement worked for them. And so it continued. That was our life.
My Partner Moved In
In 2017, my long-distance partner moved in with us (which my parents and siblings agreed to). This was also the time when my mother was slowly getting worse.
My mother outwardly claimed how happy she was that my partner was “joining the family”. She was unbelievably welcoming and kind towards him to the point it was kind of creepy. She showered him with gifts, food, and compliments.
Meanwhile, she constantly tells me how much better he is than me and how he’s only with me to be in New York City (or y’know, for sex). She also kept accusing me of abusing him. Maybe she thinks it’s subtle, but it’s obvious that she was trying to sabotage the relationship (which she’s been doing “subtly” ever since she found out about it).
The living arrangement was never intended to be permanent. It was also kind of an impulsive decision on our part because the distance was hard for both of us.
He just finished college, but I was still attending. We discussed our options and decided that maybe it’s best if he moves in with me. That way, we don’t have to pay rent, I can finish college, and most importantly, I can still be there for my siblings. But even better now, he’s there for them, too.
Ushi has known my partner even before we started dating. And she absolutely adores him. So Ushi was very excited to have him move in. Though in hindsight, it was a terrible idea.
I dragged my partner into an extremely abusive environment, something I should’ve thought of if I wasn’t so desperate to just be with him no matter what at the time.
Things Got Worse
So life seemed better when my partner moved in. I finally had someone in my life who supported and cared about me. Although I was still the scapegoat, at least my partner was there for me.
My mother tried to dial it down a bit because she didn’t want to look bad in front of him. But very soon, her true colors showed.
She’d pick fights with us (as in, my dad, Kame, and I) for simply using the TV, bathroom, kitchen, or for simply having fun. She doesn’t allow us to take Ushi out without her and even called the cops on us one time for taking Ushi out with us because my mother wasn’t home at the time.
Usually, she wouldn’t be home because she was out on dates, which we didn’t care about. But she also started bringing men home, doing “things” with them while Ushi was sleeping in the same room. And when we spoke up, she’d say. “Pssh, she’s not awake to see anything”.
She also constantly complained about how dirty we were as she goes through our things in our rooms to throw out. Meanwhile, she’s the one leaving rotting food and her belongings all over the house, literally blocking doorways. And if we move it, she’d throw another tantrum.
My mother’s behavior wasn’t the only thing getting worse. Her treatment of Ushi was, too. She’d call Ushi names, make her cry just to love-bomb her after, feed her junk so she can yell and shame her for it, constantly complain to her about us and the men in her life despite Ushi begging her to stop, and more.
And of course, whenever any of us voiced our concerns, my mother would say, “It’s my daughter”, “It’s none of your business”, or “I’m her mother. I can do what I want.”
Although my mother sort of remained kind to my partner while abusing the rest of us, that was all out the window when my partner spoke up one night about how she was treating me. And I think that’s when everything was truly going downhill – no more “nice lady”. Beast mode was fully on.
The Breaking Point
The turning point is probably when she renovated the kitchen against everyone’s will. Then, she forbid any of us to use it because it’s now hers. And when we protested, she made threats to burn down the house and said she’d hire her gangster boyfriend to kill my father. Cops got involved at least twice.
As much as we try to shield Ushi from the abuse, she was still, unsurprisingly, significantly affected. This 8-year-old girl told me how she doesn’t like her life and how she wasn’t happy. She kept wishing I was her mother. She kept wishing our mother would just disappear.
We didn’t know what to do.
My father called a domestic violence hotline before, but they didn’t know what to tell him because he was a man. And we can’t just take Ushi and leave because she’s not my nor my father’s kid. And we were scared to call Child Protective Services because we didn’t want to lose Ushi.
We were so fed up, but we were stuck.
The Night That Continues to Haunt Me
But enough was enough.
We had a family meeting and my father said CPS is probably our only option. We talked to Ushi to make sure she was okay with it, warning her that she might be taken away. But we promised to do everything we can to get her back. Ushi agreed, claiming she just wants to get away from her mother, that she was willing to do anything.
And so it was decided.
My father was afraid to call due to the previous backlash. So my partner, who was working with children at the time, and I, called.
CPS Showed Up
CPS workers showed up while my father, Kame, partner, and I wasn’t home. Ushi was alone with our mother. Ushi messaged me to let me know that the workers were there. Then, we went home as soon as we can. We returned to two very disgruntled caseworkers who seemed very unhappy with our arrival.
My partner politely asked if we should give them some privacy. They nodded. So we all went to the basement. Then, we were called one by one to be interviewed.
Even writing this now is causing me panic…
While they were interviewing my father and siblings in the other rooms, my mother made threats toward me and my partner. She threatened to call my partner’s workplace to claim that he was molesting the children there. My partner took out his phone to record her.
My mother started complaining loudly, causing one of the workers to come and see what was happening. Then, they yelled at my partner for “constantly” interrupting them.
During their interview with me, they continued to reprimand me for bringing my partner into the house and for waiting this long to get help. They yelled at me for “diagnosing” my family, yet not doing anything about it. They claimed my partner and I were the reason this house was so problematic, that we’re the reason my siblings are psychologically affected.
I started crying out of frustration and anger. I tried my best to explain myself, but they already made up their minds. My partner and I were the bad guys. They said that the best solution would be for him to leave.
My father had to take Kame to the hospital because Kame was apparently “severely suicidal”. While Kame was depressed at the time, the workers “diagnosed” him because he was extremely nervous while answering questions. And then they blamed it on me for not getting him help sooner.
During the whole situation, the two workers kept leaving my mother and Ushi alone in the same room to call their supervisor or whatever. This gave my mother a chance to scare Ushi into saying what she wanted. And when we tried to do something about it, my mother tattled and the caseworkers yelled at us.
And then, guess what? The two workers left. They just left me, my partner, my mother, and Ushi all alone despite the obvious conflict amongst us. They claimed their shift was over and that new workers will come to replace them.
I broke down, wondering what the hell just happened. Did they seriously just blame everything on my partner and me? Did they seriously just ignore both my siblings’ complaints during their interviews that my mother’s the abusive one?
I received a call later from the worker that was supposed to replace them. When he found out that they left, he sounded angry. He said, “They’re not supposed to do that until we get there”. I took this chance to tell them that my partner and I was the one who called for help and yet, they blamed everything on us.
The new workers arrived about two hours later and interviewed everyone again. Unfortunately, my father and Kame weren’t there, too, because here comes another messy part.
Cops Showed Up
My mother’s boyfriend showed up and started causing all kinds of trouble. He wanted to beat up my partner and made a bunch of death threats towards us. My partner called the cops who showed up pretty soon. But they waited till after the caseworkers left with Ushi to talk to us.
And they, like the caseworkers, fell for my mother’s pity tears.
When my partner tried to tell his side, they told him to grow up, that those threats don’t warrant a police call, that he could be arrested for wasting their time. When I claimed I have recordings to prove it, they just laughed.
Then, they looked at me, with the most judgmental look that I’ll never forget, “This your mother? If it’s so hard being with her, why are you still here then? This is your mother’s house.” Meanwhile, my mother and her homicidal boyfriend laughed on the sidelines, literally cheering, “Yeah! It’s her house!” and “Yeah, you should leave!”
All my feelings of self-doubt, self-loathe, shame, and guilt came flooding in. Yes, it is my mother’s house. How shameless of me to continue staying here. I even brought my boyfriend here. So what if she’s abusing us? If I’m here, then I must be asking for it, right? It’s all my fault.
On top of all that inner shame, I also wanted to scream. But this is my father’s house, too! She doesn’t even pay shit! She’s the abusive one! She’s abusing all of us. I’m only still here because I wanted to protect my siblings. I could’ve left, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to leave them behind. If I could take them with me, I wouldn’t even be here. But I didn’t say anything. I know they made up their minds already.
In the end, my mother managed to easily convince them that my partner was the problem, that he’s the one constantly harassing her and “squatting” in her home. So the cops let her file a report against him. And oh, how “lucky” we were because all we’re getting is a warning when we could be arrested. And of course, the cops “recommended” that we move out ASAP.
Feeling nothing but hopelessness
We called for help and once again, it was our fault. Again, my partner and I were the “young people” who were abusing this poor woman letting us live in her home.
We felt like our life was over. I felt so guilty. I brought him into this mess. And I might’ve just ruined his life. Over what? Nothing was done and it was all blamed on us. Even worse, we might have to move out now. So in the end, not only did we not get to help Ushi, we might have made her situation worse because she could lose us.
That was still the worst night of our lives that continues to haunt us. And I’ll never forgive those caseworkers and cops for almost ruining our lives. Their biases and discrimination towards us would’ve ruined Ushi’s life, too. Meanwhile, they continue to go about their days, abusing their power, and probably ruining more lives.
A Glimmer of Hope
We thought we were done for. We thought this was it.
Ushi was taken away. Kame was hospitalized. My partner and I have to leave or else we’d be killed (my mother and her boyfriend made that clear). Now what? We have no other choice but to try. So we kept going.
For the time being, my partner and I stayed at a relative’s place. He continued going to work and warned them of a possible harassing call from my mother. I also no longer wanted to involve him.
My father and I visited Kame in the hospital every day. And once he was discharged and also taken by CPS, my father and I continued to visit him at the CPS center.
We drove two hours to and back, arriving when visitation began and staying till visitation was over. Meanwhile, we didn’t know where Ushi was since no one contacted us about her. I guess it’s because she wasn’t really related to us.
But while visiting Kame one day, we thought we’d ask for Ushi, hoping they’d let us see her. And there she was. So we started visiting them both every day.
Meanwhile, I tried my best to find an apartment, specifically one with two bedrooms so I can get them back. They were still with CPS because they couldn’t find any relative to take them. Even so, I want them to end up with me. Besides, I was worried they’ll end up with someone from my mother’s side of the family.
But it was difficult, considering most places had income requirements we didn’t meet. It was also New York, so a two-bedroom was way out of our price range anyway.
But fortunately, with my relative’s help, we found a small two-bedroom apartment that didn’t care about background checks or income requirements. They were also very cheap compared to everything else we looked at. I couldn’t say yes fast enough and felt so fortunate. Maybe there is a silver lining to all of this.
We did our best to set up the place. We attended the CPS conference (which my mother intentionally didn’t go to) and offered myself as a resource for the kids. The caseworker came the next day to make a home visit and was very surprised at how quickly I found something.
After 10 days of being without my siblings, they were placed in my care. And it was amazing.
We no longer have to sneak around or walk on eggshells. We can chill and hang out as a family without worrying it’ll upset someone. That apartment, though tiny, became our new home and safe space.
However, this was just the beginning.
The Most Nerve-Wracking Yet Validating Experience
In an attempt to get my siblings (or at least Ushi) back, my mother’s lawyer held an emergency hearing. Since it was an emergency hearing, the court dates happened almost every day for about two weeks.
The CPS lawyer subpoenaed me to testify. He also subpoenaed my partner. But I requested he no longer be involved, especially after overhearing a phone call from my mother’s boyfriend to my father claiming that he legitimately wanted to kill my partner that night.
At least the lawyer was kind, understanding, and helpful throughout the process. He helped prepare me for the testimony, thanked me for doing it, and continued to greet me whenever he saw me. I was very grateful to have him on the case.
Seeing my mother again was extremely awkward and scary at first. The last time I saw her, she said she’ll kill me if she saw me again as I was quickly putting all my stuff in garbage bags so I could get the hell out of there. But now, at least I was in a court surrounded by officers.
Her boyfriend was also almost kicked out of court for yelling at me right in the courtroom in front of the judge. Haven’t seen him again after that.
So this court experience was perhaps one of the most, if not the most, nerve-wracking yet validating experiences of my life.
I had pretty severe social anxiety at the time, and this is probably the most anxiety-inducing situation that anyone with social anxiety could be in. My words and everything I present about myself were going to be judged by a literal judge and will actually have legal consequences.
I always try to be careful about what I say since my words were constantly used against me growing up. And this was the time when it truly mattered.
I was also very worried this will end up like with the caseworkers and cops, that the lawyers and judge will end up siding with my mother, thinking it was all my fault. But man, I’m so glad I was wrong about that.
My and My Mother’s Testimonies
As I was questioned by my mother’s lawyer, unsurprisingly, he tried to pin the blame on me and my partner. No doubt he got all the information from my mother. But what he didn’t get was the truth. He asked me a bunch of questions and seemed caught off guard by all of my answers.
“Did you leave your home because you felt guilty for calling CPS on your mother?” No, it’s because my mother and her boyfriend said they’ll kill us if they ever saw us again.
“Your sister enjoys being with your mother. Did you know they went on all those vacations together?” He presented their vacation pictures as “evidence”. “Doesn’t she look happy?” Just because she smiles in the pictures doesn’t mean she’s happy. I know Ushi doesn’t enjoy being with my mother. “How do you know? Did she tell you that?” Yes, she did. She told me many times that she wish to have a different mother. She said she always hated going on those vacations with her or even being alone with her.
“Why did you wait this long to call CPS? Is it perhaps to try to get your mother out of her house so you and your boyfriend can continue living there for free?” I didn’t want to call. But there were threats and tantrums pretty much every day and we just couldn’t take it anymore. And it was really starting to affect Ushi negatively. We all, as in my father, Kame, and Ushi decided together to do this. We constantly felt unsafe and scared at home and we didn’t know what else to do.
I had a hard time, but I tried my best to answer the questions without trying to be too defensive or emotional even though it was apparent that he was trying to accuse me of things he knew nothing about.
While I was testifying, my mother often sighed, groaned, scoffed, or mumbled some kind of side comment. It got so “not” subtle that the judge told her to stop or she’ll have to leave. She did it once more after that. And when the judge shot her a look, my mother cleared her throat and fake-coughed. I was embarrassed for her.
I was surprised at her lack of self-control. But I am also very pleased about it because it shows at least a little bit of what I have to deal with. The judge’s irritation (maybe) towards her also made me a little more comfortable with testifying.
Of course, I was worried my testimony wasn’t good enough. And I did feel guilty and worried that maybe the judge will think I waited too long to call for help or like what the initial caseworkers or cops thought, that it was all my and my partner’s fault. I felt like I didn’t cover enough. But how could I? This was my life. This was 20 years in the making.
Once my mother started testifying, I felt better (other than the extreme second-hand embarrassment I felt for her).
While testifying, she acted all high and mighty, blaming everyone for everything, making excuses after excuses, justifying all her actions. She basically incriminated herself by doing all that.
As she testified, I can see the lawyers exchanging looks and the court recorder trying to hide her grin. Because really, the things coming out of her mouth were ridiculous. Even her lawyer was wiping back sweat and yelled “objection” while she was being cross-examined. “You can’t object your own client, counsel”, the judge said.
When asked whether she calls us names, instead of simply saying “no”, she went on and on about how she didn’t mean it that way or how I always take everything the wrong way. When asked if she wanted to kill my father, she said “At that moment, probably, yeah. But I wasn’t actually going to do it”.
She said I always had a lot of emotional problems and insecurities, and that my teachers said so. It’s why I’m falsely accusing her of so many things; I’ve always been rebellious and a troublemaker. Yet she’s admitting to all these “accusations” she claimed I made up.
Worst of all, my mother incriminated herself to sexual abuse by claiming it wasn’t sexual abuse and implied that Ushi asked for it. She even felt the need to add, “I’m 100% heterosexual so no way I’d be into my own daughter” (yes, she said that out loud… in court).
CPS Lawyer’s Closing Statement & Judge’s Ruling
In the end, the CPS lawyer’s closing statement and the judge’s ruling validated everything for me.
First off, the lawyer noticed everything that the initial caseworkers and cops failed to (unsurprisingly). I’m not going to be able to say it with as much finesse as him. But he pointed out how my mother’s testimony was incredibly self-serving, that she blamed all her actions on anyone but herself. He also pointed out how her behavior in court towards me and Kame was just a small glimpse into what life’s like for us outside.
The lawyer also added that while the sexual abuse and death threats are problematic, the emotional aspect seems to be the one taking the hardest toll on all of us. He said it’s apparent that we called CPS as a last resort, that this wasn’t caused by the death threats or even the most recent few incidents (which my mother and her lawyer kept bringing up). But that it was years in the making. We have just reached our breaking point.
The lawyer put everything into words so perfectly that I wanted to cry. I wish I could record that speech, and have it transcribed, printed, and framed. I wanted to hug him, shake his hand, and thank him for being able to see all of that just from our testimonies.
Finally, the judge said that I and the caseworker currently on the case were deemed as reliable witnesses. My mother? Not so much. So the judge made the ruling that the children are not to be returned yet at this time. They are to remain with me. With the children’s lawyer’s request, the judge also ruled that visitations are at the discretion of the children, which was great since Ushi hated visitations with our mother.
The sad part is, my mother is still very confused to this day about what she did wrong in court. She genuinely believed she made a good case for herself when she did anything but.
She believes that it’s all a conspiracy – that CPS and the court purposely wanted to get her children away from her so they can collect money from the government and whatnot. My mother also insists that Ushi does want visitations with her, but that CPS and I are forbidding her to.
After court, everything was pretty quiet for the most part, until a few months later when I got a call from a foster agency.
Challenges as a Foster Parent
Once foster care was involved, things became less “good”.
I had appointments to bring my siblings to, a bunch of paperwork to fill with little time (because they got to me late), and classes and meetings to attend. That sudden influx of responsibilities was not fun.
I learned that my siblings could be removed from my care if I fail to bring them to appointments, submit paperwork too late, miss any classes or meetings, or have issues with my home during monthly or surprise inspections. Meanwhile, the court was also starting back up again. My anxiety skyrocketed.
I was constantly worried I’ll make the wrong move, constantly worried I’ll do something that could cause them to be taken from me. I felt like I was living under a microscope. We felt like we no longer had freedom in a different sense.
For example, we used to often travel out of state to go to various places as a family. But now, whenever we want to, we had to fill out various paperwork and needed permission from the agency and my mother ahead of time.
Also, I graduated college at the time and found a job at a nearby daycare (I wanted to work with kids). But then, I was told I’m not allowed to leave Ushi (10) and Kame (18) home alone, so I had to let the job go. Apparently, Kame is a foster kid so he’s technically not allowed to watch after Ushi.
Meanwhile, the caseworker kept mentioning that I need an income to better prove I can support my siblings. How do I do that if they can’t be home alone? Hiring someone to watch them when I’m making minimum wage will be completely stupid…
Many times, I was frustrated at our lack of freedom. But most of all, I was frustrated at the agency and the system for constantly trying to reunite my siblings with our mother rather than work on helping me get custody. Also, I was constantly worried that my mother’s facade might win over people in the case as it did with the initial caseworkers and cops.
I continued complying and doing the best I can even during times when I’m upset and frustrated for all the hoops I had to jump through as a foster parent. I was upset and frustrated that the system continued to favor reunion despite the overwhelming evidence that my mother is obviously unfit and that my siblings preferred me and repeatedly refused visitations with her.
But I tried to keep telling myself that at least dealing with this is better than dealing with my mother. While it is, it was still awful. I was motivated to do my best at the beginning because at least it meant not having to deal with my mother. But after a while, it was starting to drain. I was starting to lose motivation.
The Slow Crawl Towards Guardianship
At some point, my mother stopped cooperating altogether. She even kicked the caseworker out of her home during a visit and ghosted her after that.
I think my mother’s lack of compliance and my siblings’ repeated rejections to visitations eventually motivated the agency to switch permanency goals from reunification to guardianship or adoption.
We decided to go for guardianship because it was an easier and quicker process. The only catch is that my mother had to agree, which she did because she was just as fed up with everything as we are. Finally, a year and a half after that haunting night, the goal was switched and we started working towards it.
I broke down so many times these past three years.
It’s not easy being a parent. But it’s even worse being a foster parent when you don’t have any parental rights and the government is constantly looming over your shoulders, waiting for you to make a mistake.
I cried so many tears and had so many sleepless nights because I either have a court date, appointment, conference, or home visit the next day (or next week). And despite having the same abusive mother as my siblings, people don’t show the same sympathy if you’re not a youth.
My partner and I had hopes of moving back to his state, buying a home, and starting over. But we slowly gave up hope as the case continued to drag.
Two years into the case, we were told that once permanency goals changed, the process to achieve guardianship would be quick. But the pandemic hit and everything came to a screeching halt.
Even when courts started operating virtually, the sheer number of people involved – a lawyer for each of us (my mother, dad, me, CPS, the children, and Ushi’s dad), judge, and caseworkers made it hard for everyone to agree to a scheduled time that wasn’t a month or more away.
So month by month, I kept seeing court dates get adjourned because a lawyer couldn’t show up or because my mother or her lawyer kept wasting time.
It was just a waiting game at that point, a game we were all so tired of playing. Even my mother’s agreement wasn’t enough to speed up the process.
During this time, the caseworker that’s been on this case since the beginning disappeared. She was supposed to return but never did. So our paperwork for guardianship also stopped with no one to care about it. No one came to visit our home for two months.
After a bit of pushing and initiating, I finally got it started back up again. Just that itself was a frustrating process because we had to start from scratch. I also needed paperwork from my mother, which was a huge challenge. But finally, with my persistence and perseverance, it was all done and submitted, ready to be presented to the court.
Fortunately, the emergency hearings that happened earlier may have saved us some time. Rather than having court hearings and needing to testify all over again, the lawyers submitted the transcripts from the previous hearings as evidence instead. So the judge simply revisited the transcripts to make the decision.
Finally
The night we called CPS continues to haunt me. Sometimes, it comes full-blown like I’m reliving the moment again. But I keep telling myself it was worth it because it will lead to this moment.
The final court date was on November 2021. And I was granted guardianship of my siblings.
It felt surreal.
While this was a moment to celebrate and it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, it wasn’t the end. The stress continued.
It Isn’t Over Yet
At this point, we were kind of left to fend for ourselves. I had no idea what my rights were as a legal guardian. And I had to actively chase after the paperwork meant to prove that.
My mother wanted to see my siblings (at least Ushi) and she did once or twice. But Ushi didn’t want to anymore. So when Ushi refused, my mother blamed me.
To maintain control, she threatened that she’ll go back to court to get Ushi back if I keep forbidding Ushi to see her. While I’m not necessarily worried about her getting Ushi back (because Ushi would have to agree), I was worried she had the power to keep us from moving forward.
Meanwhile, I’m trying my best to get all the paperwork I need for Ushi such as her birth certificate and whatnot. My mother refused to give it to me despite not having a use for it. She said that Ushi’s her daughter and that giving me the birth certificate grants me full control. So again, I have to jump through extra hoops to try to get it from the government if I want to be able to enroll Ushi in school and to prove her identity.
Because of this birth certificate incident, though a lot more than that happened, I have stopped contact with my mother.
She kept pushing to see Ushi despite Ushi saying no. And she continues to blame me for it.
My mother continued to send hurtful and abusive messages to me and my father. Even after I blocked her, she still made new numbers using some app to continue harassing me.
To top it all off, my mother blamed me when her husband/Ushi’s father passed away. She said I killed him because I took his daughter from him. She said I should feel guilty and that karma would come for me.
While I do feel bad for Ushi’s father, I did not do anything wrong. Besides, even before CPS, he was okay with seeing Ushi only in the summers. I’ve told him before that he can visit Ushi whenever he wants to, that it was nothing against him.
Also, he knows my mother is unstable but does nothing to stop her abuse. And when CPS got involved, he never showed up once in person to try to get Ushi.
He has sent many emails and maybe made some calls. And he has emailed Ushi, telling her to return to him and that he’ll happily receive her. But that was it. In the end, I was the one who did all the work on getting and keeping Ushi.
I try not to let her words affect me, but they nonetheless still do. I try not to feel guilty but I am still ridden with a lot of guilt.
In the end, it’s in my and my siblings’ best interest to stop contact with our mother. We only occasionally hear about her through my father who has chosen to remain in limited contact.
Final Thoughts
I wrote a lot more than I expected. But like this post, the journey itself was long and complicated. There’s a lot I didn’t even include because then, it’d be a straight-up novel.
I’m aware of choices I should have or shouldn’t have made and how they might’ve led to certain unfortunate outcomes. But what’s done is done. Most importantly, I’ve tried my best to fix whatever mistakes I made and kept moving forward despite all the challenges.
Besides, despite many downs along the way, at least it ended in what I’d call a victory. So in the end, I’m really glad about how things turned out. And if you’re in a similar situation, I sincerely hope that things work out for you, too.
However, although I gained guardianship of my siblings, this isn’t the end. Hopefully, I can gather everything I need, have everything settled, and be able to give my siblings and myself the life we deserve.
Despite the hard journey it was to get here and all the downs there were, there were ups, too.
Dealing with the foster agency, court, and all the bureaucracy was annoying, frustrating, and challenging. But at least I had a safe space and a support network at home. I am so grateful to my father, partner, and siblings for being so cooperative and supportive throughout this process.
I’m also very thankful to all the amazing workers and lawyers who went out of their way to affirm and reassure me that I’m doing the right thing. I’m grateful to the caseworkers, my lawyers, the children’s lawyer, and the CPS lawyer who made guardianship possible. I acknowledge that it took many people to help us achieve this goal and I deeply appreciate it.
Although all of us continue to struggle with the effects of our mother’s abuse, we are in a better place than we used to be. I hope that with this new family, new home, and new life, we can continue to heal.
We are very happy that it all ended up how it did. None of it was easy and it will continue to be hard down the road. But we are where we want to be and where we want to be going.
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