Abuse & Neglect Abuse Effects Healing

Emotional Incest: Signs, Causes, Effects, & How to Heal

Emotional Incest | Hopeful Panda

If you and your parent are a little too close for comfort, almost like you’re a couple, you may be experiencing emotional incest.

I learned this term from some books I read on narcissistic parents. There was finally a word to describe all the inappropriate comments my mother made regarding my body, her constant invasions of my privacy, and many other behaviors a parent should reserve for a partner, not their child.

This post discusses what emotional incest is as well as its signs, possible causes, possible effects, and how to begin healing.

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What is Emotional Incest?

Emotional incest is a form of emotional abuse discovered by psychologist Kenneth M. Adams in the 1980s.

It occurs when a parent or parental figure makes their child a surrogate spouse. In other words, rather than treating their child like a child, the parent treats their child more like a romantic partner, turning to their child for emotional fulfillment.

This concept is commonly referred to as emotional incest, covert incest, or covert sexual abuse because it often involves sexual undertones between the parent and child.

It’s important to note that emotional incest does NOT actually involve incestuous or sexual activities. If it does, then it crosses into overt sexual abuse and incest.

However, the parent and child in such a relationship have similar dynamics as romantic or sexual partners, hence the use of the word “incest”. There’s usually an inappropriate emotional closeness between them. For instance, the parent may express interest in the child’s body or constantly violate their child’s boundaries.

Oftentimes, the child is expected to put their parent’s needs above their own for their parent’s approval. The parent often uses the child for fulfillment and support.

Other concepts related to emotional incest are parentification and enmeshment.

Signs of Emotional Incest

Here are some common signs of emotional incest by parents. Please note that your parent doesn’t have to fulfill all of these signs for your relationship with them to be considered emotional incest.

They rely on you for comfort and support

When your parent is sad, depressed, upset, lonely, or crying, they expect you to comfort or console them. It’s like you’re their spouse, therapist, confidante, or best friend.

Your parent might’ve also confided in you or requested advice from you about problems at work or in their relationships. Basically, they came to you for things that might be too much or too difficult for a child to comprehend.

They invade your privacy

Your parent might’ve frequently entered your personal space or they might not have given you a space of your own. They may also ignore your wishes for privacy or make excuses on why it’s not necessary.

They may frequently walk in on you in the bathroom or your bedroom without knocking or asking for consent. Or they may read your emails, go through your things, or listen in on your conversations with others.

They violate your boundaries

A relationship showing a consistent lack of parent-child boundaries is oftentimes the most telling sign of emotional incest.

If you try to set boundaries or have set boundaries with your parent, they may try to or have violated them.

Maybe you don’t like being hugged or kissed, but they still do it despite your protests. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable with either of you being naked around each other but your parent may insist. Some parents may also insist on sharing a bed with their child even when their child is old enough to sleep on their own.

They treat you like a romantic partner

This is another key sign of emotional incest.

Your parent might’ve treated you like a romantic partner. They may take you out on dates, discuss their sex life with you, compliment your body, or call you names often reserved for couples. And they may even “jokingly” call you their boyfriend or girlfriend.

They expect you to compliment or praise them

Parents who engage in emotional incest expects endless praise and love from their child. They strive and expect to be the most important person in their child’s life.

Your parent might frequently fish for compliments, whether that’s straight-up asking for it or putting themselves down so you’d defend them.

They are jealous of your relationships

When you’re younger, your parent might’ve shown jealousy towards your friends. And when you’re old enough to be in a romantic relationship, they may show jealousy towards your significant other.

Your parent may compete for your attention by insisting on one-on-one time with you while discouraging you from hanging out with your peers or partner. They may even try to sabotage your relationships.

They make comments or express interest in your physical body or development

Of course, nothing is worrying about a parent making a harmless comment or expressing concern about your body or development. What makes it emotional incest territory is when they start making comments or even expressing interest in your body or development in a sexual way.

For example, when I was around eight years old, my mother told me how she wished her nipples were like mine. When I was a teenager, she would make comments about my breasts.

If your parent made comments about your body or development that made you feel uncomfortable or “icky”, then they’re likely in emotional incest territory.

They claim they have a right to look at or touch your body

Your parent may claim they have a right to look at your body, even if you’re naked, regardless of how old you are. They may justify it by claiming they’re your parent and have seen you naked anyway.

They may even insist they have the right to touch you despite your discomfort. And if you protest, they may even shame you to make it feel like you’re the one making it weird.

On top of her inappropriate comments about my body, my mother would also “playfully” squeeze my breasts or slap my butt at times. She didn’t care that it made me uncomfortable. If anything, she found it fun and would “tease” me for being such a prude about it.

They discuss sexual topics with you

This sign of emotional incest is another example of blurred boundaries between parent and child.

While sexual education is appropriate and even encouraged depending on the child’s age, parents discussing their sex or dating lives with their children are not.

Your parent might’ve revealed a lot about their sex lives or talked about their sexual preferences or views with you. They might’ve even complained about their sexual partners to you, expecting advice or reassurance.

Possible Causes of Emotional Incest

Although not fully explored, researchers have come up with some possible causes of emotional incest.

Oftentimes, the parent committing emotional incest are missing supportive adult relationships in their life. The parent may also be divorced, single, widowed, or emotionally detached from the other parent. So they turn to their child to get their emotional needs met.

A lot of the time, emotional incest is unintentional. The parent and child also may not realize it’s harmful.

Other possible causes include:

  • Financial issues or work problems
  • Physical ailments or mental health conditions
  • Intergenerational patterns (i.e. the parent learned from their parents)
  • Cultural factors (may occur more in cultures that prioritize a high level of parental involvement and control over their child’s life)
  • Being the oldest child and expected to take care of the parent

Effects of Emotional Incest

There is little research on the effects of emotional incest. Some research says that physical and emotional incest can have similar long-term effects on child development. And effects of emotional incest are thought to mimic actual incest, but to a lesser degree.

Despite the seeming closeness with their parent, the child often struggles with emotional neglect. But because of the apparent bond, the child may think their parent is the most important person in the world. However, because they feel obligated to always please their parent, they may at times resent or even hate them.

The child’s needs are often ignored because they’re busy meeting their parent’s needs. They miss out on being a child because they were too busy being an adult. As a result, children of emotional incest may be stunted in many areas including developmentally, emotionally, romantically, and sexually.

Some other possible effects of emotional incest, many of which are also effects of emotional abuse, include:

  • Self-esteem issues
  • Lack of an identity outside of the parent-child relationship
  • Difficulty establishing a sense of self and identity
  • Poor relationship with other parent and siblings
  • Inability or difficulty identifying and meeting their own needs
  • Trouble forming friendships or intimate relationships
  • Attachment issues
  • Ignoring own feelings
  • Inability or difficulty understanding healthy boundaries and how to set them
  • Difficulty with intimacy or vulnerability in relationships
  • Feelings of inadequacy, shame, and worthlessness
  • Sexual dysfunction or addiction
  • Compulsive behavior involving substances, food, or sex
  • Mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, and CPTSD
  • Perfectionistic tendencies
  • People pleasing and trouble saying “no”
  • Feelings of responsibility for other people’s emotions
  • Dissatisfaction with life
  • Other lasting effects of child abuse

Due to the subtle nature of emotional incest, it’s hard for the child in the situation to recognize the abuse and step away from it. So a lot of the time, emotional incest will continue into adulthood where the child will constantly feel the need to please their parent.

This can cause tension and problems in their existing relationships or keep them from forming some. It will also continue to restrict their independence and identity.

How to Heal from Emotional Incest

Emotional incest is difficult to identify. Victims often don’t know they’re experiencing abuse. Many of them will jump in to defend their abusive parents when other people point out the toxic relationship.

Unfortunately, emotional incest frequently goes unrecognized – by the victims and even by therapists. People usually don’t understand what it is or how damaging it can be because there’s no physical or sexual contact.

It’s oftentimes someone close to the victim, such as a spouse or sibling, who witnesses the abuse that can understand its impact on the victim.

There’s no established treatment method for emotional incest. But the following methods, which are also common in healing from childhood abuse, may be helpful.

Acknowledge the problem

Recognizing that emotional incest happened or is happening is crucial. But this can be a challenge since the child is oftentimes so enmeshed with their parent that it’s hard to see the relationship as unhealthy or even harmful.

Try to accept that your relationship with your parent was unhealthy. Try to see how it affected you.

It can be challenging to accept that you’ve experienced emotional incest. So take all the time you need to process this. And please remember, none of it was your fault. You were just a child put in a difficult position.

Whether your parent did it intentionally or not doesn’t matter. What matters is that it affected you.

If you’re having trouble, try to ask someone you trust for their perspective. When you’re in a relationship, especially one that’s enmeshed, your perspective is often clouded. Having someone you trust on the outside who can tell you what they notice about your relationship can provide some insight and maybe help “open” your eyes.

Set boundaries with your parent

Once you recognize the unhealthy dynamic, you’ll need to start setting boundaries with your parent if you are still in contact with them.

You’re used to the lack of boundaries, so this will be challenging as well.

First, learn what healthy boundaries are and how to set them. Start small and work your way up.

If you’re having trouble or facing pushback from your parent, which you likely will, check out How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissistic Parent. While this post refers to narcissistic parents, it can apply to any parent who tends to disrespect and repeatedly violate their children’s boundaries.

Reparent yourself

You’ve missed out on some proper parenting. Learning how to reparent yourself and doing some inner child work can be helpful.

Meet your childhood needs and learn things your parent should’ve taught you. Connect with your inner child and find ways to heal them.

Establish a support network

Having relationships outside of the one with your parent is essential. Learn how to build and maintain a social support network.

If you’re having trouble forming physical relationships, consider reaching out through online forums or support groups with people that have similar experiences. Speaking with people who have been in your shoes can be reassuring, validating, and enlightening.

Break the cycle with your own children

Your parent may have treated you a certain way because it’s what they learned from their parents.

We’d like to think we won’t be anything like our parents. But unless we actively do something to change that, we’ll likely follow in their footsteps.

To change involves healing from our childhood traumas and actively working against what we’ve been conditioned to do for all these years.

To ensure you won’t treat your children the same, you must begin healing from your own experiences with emotional incest. Learn How to Break the Cycle of Abuse with your Children.

Seek therapy

A professional can teach you about healthy relationships and reduce your parent’s influence over you. They can also help you deal with existing mental health symptoms and provide guidance on how you can approach your healing journey. You can connect with a certified therapist here.

Emotional Incest definition, signs, effects, and how to heal | Hopeful Panda

Conclusion

The “covert” nature of emotional incest makes a lot of survivors feel conflicted about whether it was abuse. But if it’s affected you negatively in any way, then it’s abuse, or at least, neglect.

The complexities and ambiguities regarding emotional incest are actually what makes it insidious. This form of abuse is hard to comprehend and easy to justify. So it often leads victims to blame, doubt, and gaslight themselves.

As a child, you were supposed to grow, develop normally, and be a kid. You were not supposed to carry your parent’s emotional baggage. That’s their job.

And you were definitely not supposed to be a target of sexual comments, even if they were jokes. What your parent did to you was inappropriate whether it was intentional or not.

If you recognize signs of emotional incest in your relationship with your parent, please take the needed steps to begin healing so you can finally be free from the unhealthy bond that’s been holding you back.

Books

Here are some books on emotional incest you can check out to learn more.

Sign up for a free trial of Kindle Unlimited to read some of these titles for free or at a discount. Or sign up for a free trial with Audible and claim an audiobook for free, which is yours to keep even when you cancel.

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Hi there, I’m Estee. My own experiences with an abusive mother inspired me to create Hopeful Panda. You can learn more about me and my blog here.

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