Emotional Incest: Signs, Causes, Effects, & How to Heal

If your relationship with a parent feels a little too close, almost like you’re their partner instead of their child, you may be experiencing emotional incest.

I first came across this term while reading about narcissistic parents.

I finally had a word for the inappropriate behaviors my mother directed at me and my siblings.

The comments she made about my body, her lack of boundaries, and her emotional dependence on us were abusive.

Emotional incest isn’t often talked about, and the term itself can feel heavy.

But understanding what it is, how it shows up, why it happens, how it impacts you, and how to heal from it is crucial toward reclaiming your sense of self.

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What is Emotional Incest?

Emotional incest – also known as covert incest or covert sexual abuse – is a form of emotional abuse first identified by psychologist Kenneth M. Adams, author of Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners.

It happens when a parent turns to their child to fulfill emotional needs that are typically met by a romantic partner.

While there is no physical sexual activity involved, the parent-child dynamic can mirror that of a romantic couple.

The relationship is often marked by inappropriate emotional closeness and blurred boundaries.

The child is placed in an adult role, often forced to carry emotional burdens that aren’t theirs to bear.

Although emotional incest differs from overt sexual abuse, the psychological impact can be just as damaging.

Related concepts such as parentification (where the child takes on a caregiving role) and enmeshment (where personal boundaries are blurred or nonexistent) often overlap with emotional incest, contributing to further dysfunction.

9 Signs of Emotional Incest

Here are some common signs that could indicate emotional incest.

It’s important to note that you don’t need to check every box for your relationship to fall under this dynamic.

Just a few can indicate a harmful pattern.

1. They rely on you for emotional support

If your parent often turns to you for comfort, advice, or reassurance, especially during difficult emotional times, it can blur the lines of the parent-child relationship.

Instead of seeking support from other adults or peers, they place that burden on you, expecting you to be their emotional caregiver.

You may feel as though you’re the one they rely on to “fix” their emotional issues, putting you in the role of a therapist, confidant, or even their partner.

2. They violate your privacy

A parent who disregards your personal boundaries and privacy can create an environment where you feel exposed and unsafe.

This might include walking into your bedroom, the bathroom, or private spaces without permission.

Or they read your personal messages, listen in on your conversations, or go through your belongings, prying into your life in ways that are uncomfortable or disrespectful.

They might claim they’re just “looking out for you” or “wanting to make sure you’re safe” while ignoring your right to space and privacy.

Or they make excuses on why it’s not necessary.

3. They ignore or cross your boundaries

When you set emotional or physical boundaries, your parent may ignore or actively undermine them.

This could include unwanted physical contact, inappropriate nudity, sharing a bed long past an appropriate age, or insisting on comfort that feels excessive or invasive.

4. They treat you like a romantic partner

This is a clear red flag and a sure sign of emotional incest.

Your parent may call you pet names typically reserved for romantic relationships or comment on your appearance in a sexualized way.

They may even take you on dates or “joke” about you being their boyfriend or girlfriend.

5. They seek constant praise and validation

A parent who is emotionally dependent on their child might fish for compliments, put themselves down, or act in ways that require you to lift their spirits.

They expect you to prop them up emotionally, which places an unhealthy emotional load on you.

6. They get jealous of your relationships

Your parent may compete for your attention, whether it’s with friends, a romantic partner, or even other family members.

They may even try to sabotage your relationships to maintain control.

They may do this by regularly criticizing your friendships or romantic relationships, or manipulating situations so that you feel guilty for spending time with others.

7. They make inappropriate comments about your body

Expressing concern about your development in a healthy way is one thing.

But sexualized or suggestive remarks about your physical appearance or body cross the line into emotional incest territory.

My mother made inappropriate comparisons between our bodies since I was only eight years old.

While I didn’t think much about it at the time, I can see how inappropriate it is now as an adult.

8. They justify inappropriate physical contact

Sometimes, a parent may justify crossing physical boundaries, claiming they have the right to see or touch you in certain ways because they’re your parent, or that they’ve done/seen it all before.

They may dismiss your discomfort or even shame you for expressing it.

Growing up, my mother would, at times, “playfully” touch me in ways that felt invasive.

She didn’t care if it made me upset. If anything, she’d tease me for reacting negatively.

9. They involve you in their personal matters

Parents who lean on their children for emotional support might also involve them in conversations that aren’t age-appropriate.

While sex education is healthy when age-appropriate, discussing intimate details, preferences, or frustrations of their love life with you is not.

This burdens you with information you shouldn’t have to carry.

Possible Causes of Emotional Incest

While emotional incest is often unconscious, it stems from deeper dysfunction.

Some possible contributing factors include:

• The parent lacks emotional support from other adults
• They’re divorced, widowed, or have an emotionally absent partner
• Mental health issues, physical ailments, or chronic stress
• Cultural or intergenerational patterns of overinvolvement
• Financial issues or work problems forcing parent-child role reversal
• The expectation for the oldest child to care for the parent

Most parents who engage in emotional incest don’t realize the harm they’re causing.

But intentional or not, the impact on the child is significant.

Effects of Emotional Incest

Although research is limited, studies suggest that the effects of emotional incest can be similar to those of physical or sexual abuse, especially in how it distorts a child’s development and identity.

The effects are thought to mimic actual incest, but to a lesser degree.

While the closeness with the parent can feel like love, the child’s emotional needs are actually frequently ignored in favor of the parent’s.

Many grow up feeling confused, resentful, ashamed, or responsible for others’ emotions.

Common long-term effects include:

• Low self-esteem and self-worth
• Poor sense of identity
• Relationship issues
• Trouble setting or recognizing healthy boundaries
• Anxiety, depression, or CPTSD
• Perfectionism, people-pleasing, and chronic guilt
• Shame around sexuality or body image
• Addiction or compulsive behaviors
• Inability or difficulty meeting their own needs
• Attachment and intimacy issues
• Emotional numbness or suppression
• Dissatisfaction with life
• Other lasting effects of child abuse

Because emotional incest is often normalized in families, it often goes unnoticed, even by therapists.

The child may not realize what’s happening until someone else – like a partner, sibling, or friend – points it out.

Even then, many of them may defend their abusive parents when other people point out the toxic relationship.

And unfortunately, these dynamics often continue into adulthood, leading to enmeshment, strained relationships, and a lack of independence.

How to Heal from Emotional Incest

Healing from emotional incest can be incredibly difficult, especially if your parent is still in your life or if you’ve long believed that your relationship was “close” or “special”.

It begins with recognizing what happened and taking the steps to reclaim yourself.

1. Acknowledge the abuse

Start by acknowledging that what you experienced wasn’t healthy, even if your parent didn’t mean to cause harm.

You were placed in a role no child should have to fill. That’s not your fault.

If you’re unsure, talk to someone you trust outside the dynamic.

Trusted friends, support groups, or a therapist can offer clarity when you’re too enmeshed to see clearly.

A therapist, especially one experienced in enmeshment or emotional incest, can make a huge difference.

They can teach you about healthy relationships and help reduce your parents’ influence over you.

You can connect with a certified therapist here.

2. Set boundaries

Learning to set and enforce boundaries is critical to breaking the cycle.

This can feel incredibly difficult, especially if your parent reacts with guilt, anger, or emotional manipulation.

But it’s vital for your healing and well-being.

Start small.

You don’t have to confront your parent head-on if you’re not ready.

Begin by limiting conversations, creating emotional distance, or physically separating yourself when possible.

If you’re having trouble or facing pushback from your parent, check out How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissistic Parent, which can apply to any boundary-crossing parent.

3. Reparent your inner child

If you were forced into an adult role as a child, you likely missed out on the care and support you deserved.

Learning how to reparent yourself and doing some inner child work can be helpful.

It’s the process of giving yourself what you didn’t receive.

This could include learning how to self-soothe, setting routines, practicing self-compassion, or simply identifying and meeting your needs.

4. Educate yourself

When you’ve lived in dysfunction your whole life, it’s easy to normalize it.

Learning more about emotional incest, enmeshment, and parentification can help you understand and validate your experience.

Books like Silently Seduced, Covert Emotional Incest, and The Emotional Incest Syndrome are great resources.

Try a free trial of Kindle Unlimited to access some of these titles at no cost, or try a free trial of Audible and get an audiobook for free.

5. Reclaim your identity

When you’ve been treated like an emotional partner instead of a child, it can feel like your entire identity revolves around your parent’s needs.

Part of healing is learning who you are outside of that role.

Start exploring your likes, dislikes, values, dreams, and boundaries.

You don’t have to figure it out all at once.

Just begin noticing what feels genuine to you.

Related: How to Find Yourself After Abuse

Final Thoughts

Emotional incest is rarely talked about.

But it’s more common than many people realize.

The covert nature of it makes a lot of survivors feel conflicted about whether it was abuse.

But it likely left long-term scars that affected your sense of self, relationships, and mental health.

As a child, you were supposed to grow, develop normally, and be a kid.

You didn’t choose to be parented like a partner.

But you can choose to reclaim your role as your own person.