Narcissistic Triangulation: Signs, Examples, Effects, & How to Cope

If you had or have a narcissistic parent, you likely experienced triangulation.

During many of our arguments or even neutral discussions, my mother would randomly name people who is on her side or had supposedly said things that support her claims. Conveniently, no one is ever there to actually back them up.

Her claims would range from a supposed expert supporting her made-up scientific fact or people who also, like her, think I’m a bad, crazy, or messed-up person. She’s trying to show me that she knows a lot of people who would or do agree with her, therefore, she must be in the right. As always.

If your narcissistic parent often name-dropped people to support their argument, compared you to others to make you feel less than, or dragged other people – literally or verbally – into the relationship or situation between you and them, then they are using triangulation.

This post will discuss what narcissistic triangulation is, its signs and examples, the effects it can have on you, and how to cope.

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What is Triangulation?

In psychology, triangulation is a term most closely related to the works of Murray Bowen, a psychiatrist known for developing a systems theory of the family.

Bowen believed that an emotional system between two people is often unstable. And that under stress, this two-person system will form itself into a three-person system – a triangle.

In this triangle, the third person may be used as a substitute for direct communication or as a messenger to communicate with the main person. Oftentimes, it is used to express dissatisfaction with the main person.

Although triangulation can apply to other relationships, it is most well-known in unhealthy and toxic family dynamics. And due to the nature of this blog, this post will be focusing on triangulation used by narcissistic or other toxic parents.

What is Narcissistic Triangulation?

People may use triangulation without knowing. But at the hands of a narcissistic person, triangulation is often intentionally used as a tool of manipulation. A narcissist may use triangulation to increase their feelings of superiority and protect their fragile egos.

Triangulation is an emotional manipulation tactic often used by a narcissist to pull a third party into a situation, relationship, or conflict between the narcissist and someone else.

In other words, your parent may often pull in someone else (e.g. your other parent, sibling, family member, friend, literally anyone or even anything) into whatever you and your parent have going on between you.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist known for her discussions on narcissistic abuse and author of Don’t You Know Who I Am?, calls narcissistic triangulation a “psychological threesome you didn’t consent to”.

The narcissist may use triangulation as a way to shift the argument dynamic or to engineer a rivalry. Or they may use it to control the flow, interpretation, and nuances of communication between two people or groups of people.

The Purpose of Triangulation

Like with their other manipulative and abusive tactics, a narcissistic parent often uses triangulation as a way to gain some kind of control or power over you or someone else.

Narcissists may use triangulation to:

Distract you or others from the real issue or argument
Tip the scales of the argument to their favor
Reinforce their false sense of rightness or superiority
Divert stress from the argument onto the third party
Divide people in order to gain control or power

Triangulation is often used to “divide and conquer” – playing people against each other. The narcissist often brings a third person into the mix to remain in control or in the right. There is limited or no communication between the two triangulated individuals except through the narcissist.

Signs and Examples of Triangulation by Narcissistic Parents

Triangulation always involves pulling in a third person into a two-person dynamic, situation, or relationship. It also usually involves communication or a lack thereof. During triangulation, communication is used as a way to control and mislead.

When triangulating, nothing and no one is off limits. A narcissist may even triangulate a pet, celebrity, perhaps even an object, just to prove they’re right or to maintain in control.

The following are common signs and examples of triangulation by narcissistic parents.

Showing favoritism or comparing you to someone else who’s “better”

“Your sister is so much better than you.”
“Why can’t you be more like your friend?”
“If only you were also smart like your cousin.”

Your narcissistic parent may likely show favoritism to a sibling or cousin of yours. Or they may compare you to someone else who they deem as “better” than you.

They want you to feel like you have to compete for their attention, respect, and/or admiration. This is also commonly reflected by the golden child and scapegoat dynamic between siblings.

Using another person to manipulate you

A narcissistic parent may introduce another person – literally or verbally – into the dynamic to pressure you into doing things you wouldn’t otherwise do. And they can do this in multiple ways.

For example, they might introduce you to someone in a particular field to “encourage” you to pursue a specific career. Or they might simply make a claim like, “Your partner would want you to do it” to guilt you into doing something.

Naming people who are supposedly on their side

During a disagreement, argument, or any sort of conflict with a narcissistic parent, they may randomly name-drop people who they claim agree with them or is on their side. Oftentimes, this person they’re naming is not there to support their claims.

“Your teacher said you were a troublemaker.”
“My therapist agrees with me that you’re the problem”.
“People are always telling me how great of a mother I am and how you can be such an awful son.”

This is often done to reinforce the narcissist’s belief that they’re always right. They make it seem like you’re outnumbered so you have no choice but to disengage. And when you do, it makes them feel like they “won”, fulfilling their constant need to feel right and superior.

Spreading rumors to create drama and conflict

Narcissists thrive off of chaos among other people, so they love to manufacture drama. They may use triangulation to create conflict between other people just so they can watch the drama that ensues.

They could do this by manipulating two people into conflict with one another. Or they may spread rumors about one to the other or twist truths in order to mislead.

“I saw your boyfriend with some other girl last week.”
“I saw your brother in your room earlier despite you making it off limits.”
“Your father doesn’t care about you.”

Claiming someone said something about you

Your narcissistic parent might relay stories of people who were allegedly gossiping about you. They do this to make you feel insecure and doubtful.

Similar to the previous point, this sign also puts you in conflict with someone else. But on top of that, it’s also to lower your self-esteem by making it feel like other people are also seeing you in a negative light.

“Your aunts were asking me how you gained so much weight.”
“My friend was telling me how rude you were being.”
“Your mother told me you’re stupid.”

This form of triangulation sends you the message that you are all the negative things your narcissistic parent claims you are. It also reinforces your own negative self-image and self-talk. If all these people are saying something about you, then it must be true, right?

Other Signs of Triangulation

All the signs listed above show your narcissistic parent dragging in a third person into their relationship or situation with you. But it’s also possible that you were the third person dragged into their situation or relationship with someone else, most commonly with your other parent or sibling.

For example:

Using you as a messenger to communicate with your other parent or someone else so your narcissistic parent doesn’t have to.
Comparing someone else to you to make them feel less than and possibly resent you or hurt your relationship.
Spreading rumors about you or claiming you said something about someone else to make that person doubt themselves or to hurt your relationship with them.
Telling you something negative about someone else so that you would side with them. Or making you choose a side, preferably their side, in an argument or conflict you’re not involved in.
Using you to avoid spending time with their spouse or partner, either as an excuse or a replacement.

Overall, there are many different ways a narcissist may use triangulation, whether you’re the target or the third party being dragged into it. And unfortunately, it can leave some damaging effects.

Effects of Narcissistic Triangulation

Like all other narcissistic abuse tactics, triangulation can make you doubt yourself and your relationships with other people. And even if it’s not directly done to you, when you’re being triangulated without knowing, it can damage your relationships without you understanding why or how.

Many effects of narcissistic triangulation are also the same consequences as other forms of emotional abuse, including:

Feeling confused, misunderstood, and inadequate
Fear of what other people think of you
Low self-esteem and self-worth
Doubtful of self
Doubtful of relationships with triangulated people
Relationship problems and conflicts
Feelings of instability and insecurity
Feeling the need to defend yourself or confront people involved
Ruined reputation because others believe things about you that are untrue
Damaged or ended relationships
Anxiety, depression, and other mental conditions
Developmental or behavioral issues in children

How to Cope with Triangulation

Dealing with narcissistic triangulation can be frustrating, confusing, and upsetting. But once you learn about it, it is possible to learn how to cope.

Recognize their tactics

The only way to be able to cope with triangulation is to recognize when it’s happening. It may be hard in the moment, but whenever you feel negatively after interacting with your parent, take a step back and evaluate the situation.

Whether it’s triangulation or another manipulation or abusive tactic, remind yourself that your parent is likely trying to get a rise out of you.

Realize that you have control over yourself

Whenever you hear anything surprising, or really anything at all from your parent, try not to respond or react, at least not instantly. Try not to lose control of your feelings even if you feel overwhelmed because if you do, it just means they got to you.

Realize that you cannot control your parent or the people they triangulate. You can only control what you do, including how you react and respond.

Also, notice the role you possibly played in your parent’s triangulation. Maybe there were times you were aware of the dynamic. You can’t control whether they drag your name into a situation. But you can control whether you’re physically participating in it.

Be skeptical of what they say

It’s almost a rule of thumb that you should never trust a narcissist.

You likely know that what your parent says is unreliable. So take everything they say with a grain of salt, especially if you feel a particular way afterward. Again, take a step back and evaluate.

Just because they said someone said something about you doesn’t mean it’s true. They could’ve intentionally misinterpreted what the person said, overexaggerated, or straight-up lied.

Even IF your parent is telling the truth, it is also VERY likely that your parent said something about you first to trigger the other person to possibly say something about you. Either way, don’t believe everything you hear, especially when it’s coming from them.

For instance, I bet most, if not all, of the people my mother claimed have criticized me likely said nothing bad about me. Or she might’ve intentionally twisted their words or said something first to trigger such a response. In the end, it doesn’t matter what they actually said or not said. It’s the fact that she feels the need to tell me at all and that’s because she just wants to hurt me.

Communicate

Communication IS key in relationships. If everyone involved would simply sit together and talk things through, triangulation would be useless.

The whole point of triangulation is to use that lack of communication between people to manipulate them. So if you properly and directly communicate, it can nip this form of abuse in the bud.

If and when your narcissistic parent brings up something someone has supposedly said about you, clarify it with that person first before reacting or responding hastily.

Don’t just believe something because someone told you it, especially coming from someone manipulative. Always clarify the facts first. Go to the source – the person the manipulator is supposedly quoting – before jumping to conclusions.

Of course, this can only work if everyone involved actually cares to communicate or if you’re close enough to the person to confront them. It’s much easier said than done because narcissists are masters at manipulating people and pitting them against each other.

In the end, you can’t force people to communicate if they don’t want to. If people want to trust a narcissist over you, that’s not on you.

Seek support

Narcissistic triangulation can severely affect your self-esteem and emotional well-being. So it’s best to have a support network in place.

They can be friends, other family members outside of your parent, or a professional who can help you navigate the situation with your parent and stay emotionally healthy. You can connect with a certified therapist here.

As I’ve mentioned time and time again, a support network is invaluable. But it can still be problematic because the narcissist may stir conflict between you and the people you care about, hoping to sabotage those relationships.

So as long as you stay in touch and communicate with your support network, you and them can remain safe from triangulation and other tactics a narcissist may use to try to sabotage the relationship.

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Conclusion

Dealing with narcissistic triangulation can be distressing, overwhelming, and confusing. But knowing the signs and having a support network in place can help you deal with it.

If you have a narcissistic parent, triangulation is just one of many challenges you have to deal with. You can learn more about how to deal with a narcissistic parent here and how to begin healing from your narcissistic parent’s abuse here.