How to Stop People Pleasing

Figuring out how to stop people pleasing isn’t easy, especially when your worth has always felt tied to making others happy.

There were so many times I said “yes” when I really wanted to say “no”.

So many times, I agreed or went along with something just to avoid conflict or disappointing someone.

And afterward, I’d feel drained, invisible, or even resentful.

But I still did it. I couldn’t help it.

It wasn’t until the last few years that I started learning how to tackle my people-pleasing compulsion.

If, like me, you grew up with abusive parents, you probably also struggle with people pleasing.

It’s the tendency to prioritize others’ needs, comfort, or approval at the expense of your own well-being.

I still struggle with this, but I’m getting better.

I’ve started saying “no” more often (as politely as I can) and voicing my opinions, even if it feels awkward.

It hasn’t been easy.

I still replay conversations in my head, wondering if I came across as rude, selfish, or opinionated.

But at the end of the day, I remind myself:

Those who matter won’t mind. And those who mind probably aren’t the people I need to keep pleasing.

Many of us learned early on that pleasing others keeps the peace, wins approval, or even keeps us safe.

But over time, this pattern erodes our sense of self.

It leaves us exhausted, disconnected, and unsure of where we end and others begin.

But you’re not alone. And over time, you can learn how to stop people pleasing.

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1. Understand Why You People Please

People pleasing often develops as a coping mechanism in emotionally unsafe or neglectful environments.

One of the trauma responses behind people pleasing is the fawn response.

Fight, flight, or freeze are well-known reactions to stress.

Fawning, which is less-known, involves appeasing or overly pleasing others, especially those perceived as threatening, to avoid conflict or harm.

Psychotherapist Pete Walker, author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, identifies fawning as a common response for those raised by emotionally immature, narcissistic, or abusive caregivers.

If you grew up in such an environment, you likely learned that love, attention, and safety were conditional.

You became hyper-aware of others’ moods, particularly your parents, because your well-being depended on it.

Expressing your needs, opinions, or boundaries may have led to punishment or rejection.

Instead of forming your own identity, you learned:

not to upset others,
not to say no
to put your parents’/others’ needs over your own
that your worth depended on being “good”, helpful, quiet, or agreeable

Over time, these lessons become internalized as:

If I make people happy, I’ll be safe
If I upset someone, I’ll be rejected or punished
If I have needs, I’m a burden
Love must be earned

In adulthood, this can show up as:

intense guilt when setting boundaries
saying yes automatically, even when you want to say no
over-apologizing or over-explaining
tying your worth to how others feel about you
feeling responsible for other people’s emotions

This isn’t weakness. It is a trauma response.

You were conditioned to believe your safety depended on the happiness of others.

Whether it came from rejection, perfectionism, or environments where love was earned, your nervous system did what it had to do to survive.

But now that you’re in a safer place (hopefully), you can start choosing differently.

2. Notice Your Patterns

Before you can change your people-pleasing behaviors, you have to notice when they happen.

Start paying attention to the moments when you feel pressured to please:

Who do you most struggle to say “no” to?
What situations trigger the urge to agree, appease, or avoid conflict?
How does your body feel in those moments? Anxious, tense, guilty, or heavy?

You can keep a small journal or note on your phone to jot down moments you people-pleased or almost did.

As you do this, don’t judge yourself. Just observe.

Awareness is the first step towards change.

3. Know the Difference Between Kindness and People Pleasing

This distinction often gets blurred, especially when you were taught to keep others happy at your own expense.

I used to think saying “no” was selfish or mean.

But by doing something I didn’t want to do in order to please someone, I was actually being mean to myself.

My people-pleasing isn’t coming from a place of kindness.

It’s coming from a place of fear, anxiety, guilt, pressure, or a desperate need to be liked.

It’s about avoiding conflict, rejection, or disappointment.

It sacrifices your own well-being for someone else’s comfort.

On the other hand, kindness comes from a place of choice.

When you’re kind, you’re choosing to help or support someone because it aligns with your values, not because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t.

Kindness is voluntary. It feels energizing, not draining.

And most importantly, it includes you, too, because it doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself.

A way to differentiate whether you’re acting out of your people-pleasing habit or kindness, ask yourself:

If this person were disappointed in me, would I still make the same choice?

If your answer is yes, it’s probably kindness.

If your answer is no, it might be people pleasing.

4. Start Small

People pleasing is deeply ingrained.

Be gentle with yourself as you unlearn it.

Start with low-risk situations to practice:

Decline a minor request you genuinely don’t want to do
Share a small preference, even if it’s different from others
Voice a small opinion
Ask for more time instead of giving an instant yes

Saying “no” doesn’t have to be rude.

Here are some gentle scripts that may help.

When declining an invitation:

Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m going to sit this one out.
I appreciate the invite, but I won’t be able to make it.

When asked for help:

I wish I could help, but I’m stretched too thin right now.
That’s not something I can commit to at the moment.

When you need more time:

I need to think about it first. Can I get back to you?
Let me check on a few things and follow up later.

When you disagree:

I feel a bit differently, hope that’s okay.
That doesn’t quite work for me. Can we try something else?

When someone tries to guilt-trip or pressure you:

I understand you’re disappointed, but I’m sticking with my decision.
I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but it’s what feels right for me.

5. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Boundaries are simply what you will and won’t allow in your life.

“This is what’s okay for me and this is what’s not”.

Start with small, clear boundaries in low-stakes situations.

Over time, as your confidence grows, you can build up to bigger ones with more challenging relationships.

Every time you honor a boundary, you teach people how to treat you.

And you remind yourself that your needs matter too.

Not everyone will like your boundaries, especially those who benefited from your people-pleasing.

That’s not a sign to back down. That’s a sign that the boundary is working.

When you get pushback, try to stay calm and repeat your boundary.

You don’t owe anyone long explanations.

6. Expect Discomfort, but Don’t Fear It

Saying no, setting boundaries, or standing your ground will initially feel uncomfortable.

You may feel guilty, anxious, or afraid someone will be upset.

That discomfort just means you’re doing something new.

Try to reframe this discomfort as a sign of growth.

You’re breaking patterns you were taught to follow to survive.

Of course, it’ll feel uncomfortable and awkward. But that’s okay.

Discomfort is temporary. Self-respect is not.

You’re not hurting others by being honest. You’re just finally honoring yourself.

7. Self-Soothe Afterward

Even when you know you made the right choice, it can still feel rough afterward.

That’s your nervous system adjusting.

Take some deep breaths. Do something that soothes you. And remind yourself:

It’s okay if not everyone likes me.
I’m allowed to take care of myself
Saying no doesn’t make me a bad person
The right people will respect my boundaries.

You are not responsible for other people’s emotions or reactions.

8. Rebuild Your Self-Worth and Sense of Self

People pleasing often stems from the belief that your worth depends on how much you give, help, or agree.

Many of us learned early on that our value came from how well we obeyed and pleased our parents.

So it makes sense that we grew up believing we had to please everyone to be worthy.

But self-worth shouldn’t depend on how useful or agreeable you are to others.

When your focus is always on what others want, need, or expect, it’s easy to lose sight of your own preferences, values, and desires.

A big part of healing is reconnecting with yourself.

Start small.

Ask yourself, “What do I actually want right now?”

Practice self-affirmations like “My needs are valid” and “I am allowed to take up space.”

Identify your core values. What you believe matters, not just what others expect from you.

Spend time with people who respect your “no” as much as your “yes”.

Revisit hobbies, interests, or passions you may have set aside to be more “accommodating”.

It’s normal to feel unsure at first.

But as you begin honoring your own voice, even in tiny ways, you’ll rebuild who you are beyond who others want you to be.

How to Stop People Pleasing Overview | Hopeful Panda

Final Thoughts

Learning how to stop people pleasing isn’t about becoming selfish, harsh, or unkind.

It’s about becoming honest, whole, and self-respecting.

Manipulative or abusive people may make it feel wrong.

But those who truly care about you will support it.

You will still be kind, caring, and supportive.

You’ll just be doing it from a place of choice, not obligation.

This is what it means to be authentic.

Every time you choose honesty over approval, you reclaim a little more of your power.

You’re not selfish for setting boundaries. You’re not mean for saying no.

Your “no” is just as valid as your “yes”.

You are allowed to have needs.

You are allowed to say “no” without explaining, apologizing, or shrinking yourself.

You are allowed to matter.