Learning how to stop negative self-talk starts with recognizing where that inner critic comes from, especially if you grew up in an abusive or hypercritical home.
We all have inner critics.
But if you grew up with constant verbal or emotional abuse, that critic can feel especially cruel, sometimes even paralyzing.
Part of healing means learning to quiet that voice and be kinder to yourself.
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Where Does Your Negative Self-Talk Come From?
If you had an abusive parent, that voice in your head saying you’re not good enough isn’t truly yours. It’s theirs.
Abusers often tear others down to feel powerful.
Their insults and comparisons are projections of their own insecurities.
Over time, you start believing those messages and replaying them in your head until they feel like truths.
If growing up, you were often told things like “you’re ugly” or “you’re stupid”, it’s likely those words stuck, and now they’ve become part of how you see yourself.
“No one will ever love someone as ugly as me.” “I can’t do anything right.”
It becomes second nature to repeat their words, as if you’ve taken over their role to abuse yourself.
But you can stop. You deserve to stop.
How to Stop Negative Self-Talk
The following is inspired by Susan Forward’s Lies and Truths Exercise from her book, Mothers Who Can’t Love.
Download my free self-talk worksheet from the Freebies page to follow along.
Step 1: Recognize that your negative self-talk is lies
The messages you heard growing up were lies – lies your abusive parent fed you, which you internalized and began repeating to yourself.
To break the cycle of negative self-talk, start by writing down every negative thing you tell yourself.
Don’t worry about remembering everything. Just start with what comes to mind.
As you write, reflect on where each message came from.
Ask Yourself These Questions
These prompts will help you understand the roots of your self-talk, its impact, and why it’s worth replacing.
Who said it?
Even if you’re the one saying it now, it likely originated from someone else, often an abusive parent or perhaps even a teacher or bully.
When you’ve experienced early abuse, even subtle criticism or comparisons like “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” can morph into internalized beliefs like “I’m not good enough.”
Why did they say it?
You may never know for sure. But it often stems from their own insecurities.
Abusers tear others down to feel more powerful or in control.
They project their pain onto those who are most vulnerable, like children.
How does it make me feel?
These lies trigger painful emotions – shame, guilt, anger, sadness, or worthlessness.
Take a moment with each one. Notice how deeply it’s rooted and how it still affects you.
How has it shaped me?
Negative beliefs influence how you behave and see yourself.
You might avoid trying new things, sabotage your own goals, or act in ways to reinforce the lie, leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Why is it time to let it go?
Letting go of the lie means reclaiming your potential.
Imagine how different your life could be if you no longer carried that belief. It can open doors to new possibilities.
Example
Lie: "I'll never succeed."
Who said it? My mother
Why did they say it? She felt unaccomplished and projected her insecurities onto me. It was also easy to say to a child who hadn't achieved anything yet.
How does it make me feel? Like a failure. Like there's no point in trying.
How did it shape me? I give up easily or before I even start. I avoid pursuing anything because I'm afraid I'll fail.
Why let it go? It's holding me back. If I stop believing it, I can start trying. I may fail, but I might also succeed. I'll never know if I keep believing the lie.
Step 2: Reason why your negative self-talk isn’t true
Now that you’ve identified the lies, it’s time to challenge them.
Next to each one, write down why it isn’t true.
Reason with yourself. Argue with it. Provide evidence. Be specific. It’s okay to brag.
Here’s an example:
Lie: I'll never succeed.
Truth: I have succeeded. I was a great student and graduated college with a perfect GPA despite going through a lot at the time. I'm a good sister, spouse, and parent. I'm still here, still trying, and most importantly, I fought for and won custody of my siblings. That's success.
Even if there’s some truth to a message, like “I’m so fat”, reframe it honestly and constructively, like “I’m out of shape, but I’m working on being healthier.”
Or if something is true, like “I’m bad at sports”, remind yourself it’s only one part of who you are. It doesn’t define your worth.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. This is just one of yours, and that’s okay.
What matters is understanding that a single negative trait or experience doesn’t cancel out everything good about you.
You’re not perfect. No one is. Your flaws simply make you human.
If you’re struggling with finding anything to write, imagine a loved one saying these things about themselves.
What would you say to them? Would you agree with them, or would you counter with compassion and truth?
We often find it easier to defend others than to defend ourselves. So try to be just as kind and rational with yourself.
If you’re still stuck, ask someone close to you to help challenge those lies with real, specific examples of why they’re not true.
Step 3: Replace your negative self-talk with positive but realistic self-talk
Now it’s time to take each lie and replace it with a truth.
These truths should be positive, but realistic.
Most importantly, what you write has to resonate with you.
You don’t have to be overly optimistic, but you do have to believe it on some level.
Even if you don’t think there’s anything good to say about yourself, you know deep down that there’s more to you than the lies you’ve internalized.
Keep your list of truths somewhere you can revisit often, especially when those negative thoughts creep back in.
When you catch yourself slipping into negative self-talk, practice stopping yourself before the thought spirals.
Then, go straight to the truth.
That said, this is not easy.
It will take time to unlearn years of damage.
But you are worth the effort.
Tips for Reframing Negative Self-Talk
Reframing negative self-talk takes time. But with awareness and consistent practice, it gets easier.
Here are some practical strategies to help you shift your inner narratives.
Use “I Feel” Instead of “I Am”
I know how natural and instinctual these negative messages could be. They often slip out before we even realize it.
I used to say “I’m so stupid” automatically whenever I made a mistake.
I notice my much less self-critical husband says “I feel stupid” in those moments. I thought, huh, that’s a start.
Saying “I feel stupid” instead of “I am stupid” creates distance between you and the criticism.
It helps you recognize that what you’re experiencing is a feeling in a moment, not a definition of who you are.
Notice Your Triggers
Pay attention to when your inner critic gets loud. What happened right before?
Often, it’s something small like messing up a task or forgetting something.
These may seem minor. But if you grew up in an environment where mistakes were met with harsh reactions, your brain likely defaulted to self-blame and shame.
Understanding this pattern gives you power.
It helps you realize that this reaction isn’t the truth. It’s just conditioning.
When I notice myself spiraling, I remind myself: “This doesn’t mean I’m a failure. It just means I’m human or still learning.”
Reason With Yourself
Once you notice the negative thought forming, pause and ask: Is this really true? Then, remind yourself what is true.
Change “I can’t do anything right” to “I messed up one thing, but I’ve handled plenty of things well.”
Don’t let your brain collect evidence for failure.
That imaginary list only grows if you dwell on it.
Interrupt the spiral. State what’s true. Then move on.
Avoid the What-If Spiral
Obsessing over what you could’ve done differently rarely helps. It only fills you with regret and shame.
If something’s still bothering you and you need closure, that’s okay.
But give yourself a breather first. Step back. Ground yourself.
Then when you’re ready, come back to it with a clearer, more compassionate lens.
Ask:
- What’s the worst that actually happened? Usually, not much
- Could it have gone worse? Almost always, yes
- Will anyone remember this? Probably not
You’re likely projecting your own harsh inner critic onto others.
Most people have already moved on. And if they haven’t, that’s their burden, not yours.
Remember the 3 Rs
This isn’t easy. Stopping negative self-talk takes mindfulness, practice, and patience. But it does get easier.
Remember the 3 R’s:
- Recognize where your negative self-talk comes from
- Reason why it doesn’t define you
- Replace the negative self-talk with realistic, positive self-talk
Living with Your Truths
If you’ve been conditioned to believe lies about yourself, it’ll take time to adjust.
Positive self-talk might feel uncomfortable, perhaps even fake, or like you’re being narcissistic.
But that’s only because it doesn’t align with the old script.
It’s not lying to yourself. Deep down, you know you’re being unfair to yourself.
I’m not saying to think of yourself as some super sexy genius. But do see yourself in a fair and realistic light.
You do have strengths. You are worthy. And you can improve.
If you’re struggling, I recommend the book Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why it Matters, and How to Harness It.
Psychologist Ethan Kross discusses the importance of our inner voice and how we can use it to combat negative self-talk, negative thoughts, and anxiety.
Final Thoughts
There’s a difference between confidence and arrogance.
You know that line, and the fact that you worry about crossing it means you likely won’t.
The voice of doubt you’ve carried all these years is not yours. You don’t owe it anything.
Be who you want to be without someone, including yourself, telling you that who you are isn’t good enough.
You are kind to others, so why can’t you be kind to yourself?
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