Overcoming Toxic Positivity in Your Healing Journey

Staying positive, especially during tough times, can support your healing journey. But like anything taken too far, even positivity can become harmful. That’s when it turns into toxic positivity.

Have you ever told yourself you shouldn’t feel sad, angry, or hurt? Faked a smile when you just wanted to cry? Forced yourself to forgive someone even when you didn’t want to? These are examples of toxic positivity.

Toxic positivity is the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset at all times no matter what.

It takes something good (positivity) and weaponizes it into a way to avoid, invalidate, or suppress real emotions.

Maybe it was something you were taught as a child. Or maybe it’s something you now do to yourself or even to others without realizing it.

Where Does Toxic Positivity Come From?

In general, positivity is not the enemy. In fact, it plays a big role in post-traumatic growth.

The problem comes when it’s used to dismiss your pain, silence your struggles, or shame you for feeling anything other than happy.

Statements like “good vibes only”, “don’t be so negative”, or “it could be worse” may seem harmless, or even helpful. But they often function as a way to shut down feelings rather than sit with them.

Why do we do this?

We live in a culture that rewards happiness and punishes vulnerability. Feeling angry, hurt, or overwhelmed isn’t usually seen as socially acceptable.

For many people, especially those of us who grew up in toxic households, expressing “negative” feelings wasn’t just discouraged, it was dangerous.

How Toxic Positivity Showed Up In My Childhood

Growing up, my parents despised my crying. I wasn’t allowed to be angry or upset.

Any sign of sadness or frustration was seen as a character flaw that my mother used against me time and time again.

So I got really good at hiding my feelings. I could go from sobbing to smiling in two seconds. I pushed everything down because that’s what I learned to do to survive.

But suppressing my emotions didn’t make them go away. It just made me terrible at managing them.

It led to emotional outbursts, depression, and shame I didn’t understand until much later.

Toxic positivity was a hidden roadblock in both my childhood and my healing journey.

Even now, I still catch myself doing it, sometimes toward myself, sometimes toward others.

How It Shows Up Now

Toxic Positivity Towards Self

If you were constantly invalidated growing up, you may have internalized that voice.

You might tell yourself things like:

• I shouldn’t feel this way.
• I should be grateful.
• Other people have it worse.
• I’m being too sensitive.

You may beat yourself up for feeling “negative” emotions, thinking you’re weak or broken for not being happy.

This self-talk often mirrors what your parents used to say to you.

Toxic Positivity Toward Others

On the flip side, you might also catch yourself saying those same things to others, especially if their pain triggers something unprocessed in you.

When someone expresses hurt, it might make you uncomfortable.

So instead of listening or validating, you may try to fix it or shut it down:

• At least it’s not as bad as…
• Everything happens for a reason.
• Just think positive.

Sometimes we do this because we don’t know what else to say. But sometimes, it’s because we’re uncomfortable with our own pain.

Signs of Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity can be subtle. Here are some common signs to look out for, both in yourself and others.

Hiding or masking true feelings: Pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. Smiling when you’re breaking inside.

Dismissing or suppressing emotions: Saying things like “it is what it is” to brush things off, or “just get over it” to shut down discomfort.

Feeling guilty for having emotions: Believing that being sad, angry, or disappointed makes you a bad or weak person.

Using platitudes instead of support: Relying on phrases like “look on the bright side” or “everything happens for a reason” instead of acknowledging pain.

Giving perspective instead of validation: Saying things like “some people have it worse” in response to someone’s pain, even your own.

Shaming yourself or others for feeling bad: Implying that someone is choosing to suffer by not “choosing happiness” instead.

Many of these phrases are well-intentioned. I’m guilty of this as well.

Sometimes, we’re trying to comfort, motivate, or make the situation feel light.

But sometimes, that can result in invalidation. And when it becomes a pattern, it starts to harm.

Why is Toxic Positivity Harmful?

Toxic positivity is a form of avoidance coping, invalidating genuine emotions, and encouraging emotional repression.

It creates an environment where people feel ashamed for struggling.

Studies show that avoiding or suppressing emotions is linked to increased stress, depression, and anxiety.

Repressed emotions don’t disappear; they fester.

They manifest as physical illness, emotional outbursts, and long-term mental health issues.

The more you avoid your negative thoughts and feelings, the bigger they grow, and the more you reinforce your tendencies to ignore them.

And while you’re trapped in this cycle, these emotions become bigger and more intense.

This is simply unsustainable. It will manifest itself in other ways that you won’t even be aware of.

Pretending things are okay when they aren’t doesn’t help you heal. It just pushes the pain deeper down, where it lingers and grows.

Toxic positivity can also disconnect you from others.

It prevents vulnerability, builds emotional walls, and can make you seem dismissive, even if that’s not your intention.

This is fine if it actually helps you feel better. There are plenty of times when thinking “it could be worse” helped me reframe a situation and feel better about it.

But that’s after I’ve had time to process my feelings and situation by having a good cry or thinking, “This really sucks”.

The important thing here is reframing the situation after giving attention to your emotions.

Ways to Avoid Toxic Positivity

Be Honest About How You Feel

It’s okay to feel. You don’t need permission.

Your emotions are valid, even if others don’t understand them and even if they make you uncomfortable.

Life is hard sometimes. Sadness, anger, grief, and frustration are all normal responses to painful experiences.

Don’t punish yourself for being human.

Recognize that feelings aren’t mutually exclusive.

It’s okay and even normal to feel more than one thing at the same time, even both pleasant and unpleasant ones.

For example, you might be scared or nervous about possibly failing, but also hopeful or confident about succeeding at the same time.

Let Yourself Feel It

Many people have trouble coping with uncomfortable emotions.

They might do whatever they can to get rid of them or pretend they’re not there.

But the healthiest thing is to let yourself feel all those emotions and work through them. Find healthy ways to cope.

Cry. Journal. Talk to someone safe. Scream into a pillow. Take a walk. Just feel.

Processing emotions is not the same as wallowing in them. It’s how you move through them so they don’t stay stuck.

As cliche as it sounds, it’s okay not to be okay. Your feelings are real, valid, and important. Give yourself permission to feel them.

Related: How to Deal with Emotions in a Healthy Way

Use Self-Compassion, Not Judgment

If you find yourself spiraling into toxic thoughts like “I shouldn’t feel like this” or “I’m overreacting”, pause and try replacing that thought with something gentler. Try:

• “It makes sense that I feel this way.”
• “This is hard, and I’m allowed to struggle.”
• “I’m doing the best I can.”

Emotions are complex, just like the situations you’re in. It’s up to you to figure out what and why you’re feeling the way you do.

When you’re having a hard time, take as much time as you need to work through it and try to be compassionate with yourself.

Validate Instead of Fixing

When someone shares their pain, you don’t need to fix it or make it go away.

Acknowledge that everyone is entitled to their feelings and that they may not feel the same way you would in the same situation.

Simply listen, be there, and validate.

• “That sounds really hard. I’m here for you”.
• “I can’t imagine how painful this must be. Thanks for sharing it with me.”

People need to feel seen, not solved.

It’s also okay to offer support or help: “Is there anything I can do?” But sometimes, being there is all you need to do.

Reframe After Processing

There’s absolutely a place for positive thinking and perspective shifts. But they’re most helpful after emotions have been acknowledged, not instead of.

Let yourself cry, vent, or grieve.

And then, when you’re ready, it can help to reframe the situation with thoughts like:

• “I’ve survived this before, I’ll survive it again.”
• “This sucks, but it won’t last forever.”
• “Even in this mess, there’s something I can learn or grow from.”

Healing is about balance, between feeling the pain and holding onto hope.

Remember That Happiness Is Fleeting

Happiness is not a permanent state. Trying to achieve constant happiness is not just impossible, but well, toxic.

No one can be happy all the time.

Life ebbs and flows. Chasing constant positivity can actually make you feel worse.

Besides, growth often happens during not-so-happy times.

Give Yourself (And Others) Permission to Be Human

Toxic positivity isn’t always easy to recognize, especially if it was modeled for you growing up.

You might’ve been taught that showing “negative” emotions was weakness or that being strong means always smiling through the pain.

Becoming aware of that is one of the first steps toward healing.

You don’t need to be positive all the time to be okay.

You don’t need to hide your feelings to be strong. Real strength lies in being honest about your experiences.

You’re allowed to be messy, complex, and human.

You’re allowed to struggle and talk about it.

Final Thoughts

Just to be clear, talking about toxic positivity isn’t the same as saying positivity is bad. Positivity can be very beneficial!

But like anything, when taken to an extreme, it can become harmful.

Constantly insisting that life’s amazing or that there’s nothing wrong is not just toxic, it’s unrealistic.

On the flip side, constantly complaining about how terrible everything is, is toxic just the same.

The key is balance and objectivity. Life has both good and bad moments.

Acknowledging the hard stuff allows you to process it and figure out how to move forward.

Noticing the good helps you stay grounded and hopeful.

Both are valid. Both are needed.

An all-or-nothing mindset can hurt your mental health, relationships, and quality of life.

Not everything is perfect, just like not everything is awful. Life is full of nuances.

So by all means, promote positivity. Just try to do it in a way that’s grounded in reality, leaving space for real feelings – your own and others’.

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