There’s no doubt that toxic parents can negatively affect their children. However, what’s considered toxic isn’t usually as obvious as what’s considered abusive. There are various types of toxic parents that others might not consider “abusive”. But when the child is hurting and negatively impacted by it, is it really that different?
This post will discuss the various types of toxic parents and the negative effects it has on their children.
Please keep in mind that parents can fall into more than one type. Also, note that it isn’t one or two of these instances from time to time that makes someone a toxic parent. It’s an ongoing pattern of behavior that does.
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The Narcissistic Parent
One of the more well-known types of toxic parents is the narcissistic parent.
Narcissistic parents are typically manipulative, controlling, exploitative, and invalidating due to their lack of empathy and self-obsession.
These types of toxic parents usually perceive their child’s independence as a threat. They tend to coerce the child to exist in their shadow. Basically, the narcissistic parent always has to come first. Whatever they do for their child is usually motivated by their own interests.
An article on Psychology Today defines a narcissistic parent as someone who lives through, is possessive of, and/or engages in marginalizing competition with their child.
Anyone who has a narcissistic parent has likely experienced manipulation, gaslighting, and control that can be hard to explain. What children of narcissists have to go through makes them feel a lot of guilt, shame, confusion, doubt, and self-hate.
Adult children of narcissists also tend to have crippling self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a negative self-image. They also tend to lack a sense of self.
If you have a narcissistic parent, you likely have trouble living life how you want or embracing who you truly are. You may often feel like you’re unworthy, unlovable, unaccepted, and never good enough.
The dismissive, distant, or rejecting parent often sees the child as a burden. They tend to be emotionally unavailable and are thus, emotionally neglectful.
These types of toxic parents may see their child as an outsider, thus treating them as so. They might be resentful or annoyed with the child, unhappy that they have to take care of them.
Dismissive parents may also withhold love and affection to control their child. No matter how the child tries to gain their parent’s approval, it may seem impossible. Or it is met with further rejection.
Effects of Having Dismissive Parents
Children naturally yearn for validation and affection from their parents. So parental rejection, even in adulthood, can feel awful.
Children of dismissive parents often see themselves as a burden, inconvenience, or annoyance. As adults, they find it hard to voice their needs. They might continue seeing themselves as unwanted and in the way.
When someone has been constantly dismissed and rejected in their childhood, it only makes sense that they expect the same treatment as they get older. It’s also unsurprising when they develop a negative self-image, low self-esteem, and low self-worth.
The Parent Who Lives Through their Child
Parents who live through their child make their child an extension of them. They live out their own unfulfilled ambitions through their child.
These types of parents usually like to brag about their child. Every one of their child’s achievements is a chance for them to show off how amazing they are as parents. When their child looks good, they look good. And when their child looks bad, they look bad, too.
These types of parents are considered toxic because they don’t see their child as a separate individual. They may also feel like their child isn’t good enough, thus pushing their child to achieve more just so they themselves can feel accomplished.
Effects of Having Parents Who Live Through Their Child
Children of parents who live through them may constantly feel pressured to do well in order to please their parents. This can cause the child to feel like they’re not good enough or can never measure up.
The child may also lack a sense of self since they’ve been used to their parent dictating their life and identity. Or they may confuse their parent’s goals and desires with their own.
The parent and child are likely enmeshed and codependent. They both may have to rely on each other for their sense of self-worth.
The Passive Parent
The passive parent is the one who fails to stand up for their child. This type of parent often pairs up with a dominant and controlling one. They usually fail to protect their child from the other parent’s possible abusive behavior, thus making them toxic as well.
These types of toxic parents are often co-dependent. They are scared of confrontation, and thus, live in denial and fear despite their child getting hurt.
Effects of Having Passive Parents
When a parent fails to stand up or protect their child from getting hurt, the child gets the message that they’re not cared for or worthy of protection. The child may even believe that maybe they deserve the mistreatment.
Some children of passive parents may even have to stand up for the passive parent themselves. They end up playing the role of protector and savior for their parent against an abuser when it should be the other way around.
The Parent Who Needs Parenting
The parent who needs parenting, also known as the parentifying parent, makes their child the parent in the relationship.
These types of parents rely on their child to meet their physical and/or emotional needs. They emotionally unload a lot onto the child, forcing them to be the adult in the relationship. The child becomes their shoulder to cry on and the one who bears the adult responsibilities in the parent-child relationship.
Effects of Having Parentifying Parents
By having to constantly take care of their parents, whether physically or emotionally, the child’s own needs are neglected.
The child also ends up learning that love means taking care of others. Because of this, they may end up becoming a selfless caretaker in their adult relationships. Meanwhile, they don’t know how to truly take care of themselves, thus neglecting themselves.
Even as an adult, the child may still feel the need and burden to look after their parents.
The explosive parent, also known as the hypersensitive or oversensitive parent, often has explosions of rage or emotional outbursts.
These types of toxic parents tend to lose their cool easily and quickly. They’re also likely to misinterpret certain situations, perceiving them as slights or insults. Their explosiveness causes the rest of the family to walk on eggshells around them.
One wrong move by the child can cause the parent to explode in rage or tears. They may end up verbally abusing their child for whatever they did that upset them. On a more extreme, explosive parents may also become physically abusive during their explosions.
Effects of Having Explosive Parents
You might’ve grown up to be very cautious and hypervigilant about every little thing, especially around other people. You may be constantly worried you’ll do or say the wrong thing that’ll result in verbal or even physical abuse.
Individuals raised by explosive parents may have a very fearful approach to life. They may be cautious and paranoid about every move they make. The upbringing they endured may have even caused them to develop post-traumatic stress disorder.
The Tiger Parent
The tiger parent, also known as the domineering parent, is oftentimes dominating and controlling. They also tend to be perfectionistic. They demand perfection or the very best from their child and push them to extreme lengths.
Tiger parents usually don’t allow their child to pursue their own desires or interests. It’s always what the parent wants because they think they know what’s best for their child. It’s all about tutoring, training, schedules, and studying.
Like the parent who lives through their child, the tiger parent sees their child as an extension of themselves. They push their child to do what they think they should do, rather than what the child wants to do.
Tiger parents will keep pushing their child to achieve. For them, their child must grow up to be a high-performance professional in a high-powered, high-paying career.
Effects of Having Tiger Parents
If you have a tiger parent, you probably had to be perfect and excel beyond what’s considered reasonable. You were expected to be the best at everything you do and it didn’t matter how you felt about it.
You had no time for fun or relaxation. Because of all this, you missed out on a childhood.
Children of tiger parents have trouble knowing what they want. Or they might think their own interests and desires are wrong or invalid.
They also tend to be perfectionists like their parents. They feel pressured, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, and burdened to excel at everything they do.
The Helicopter Parent
You’ve probably heard of helicopter parents before. These types of parents tend to constantly hover over their child’s life, observing their every move. They tend to be overly involved and overprotective. They’ll do anything to protect their child from pain and disappointment, even when they’re adults.
Most helicopter parents do care for their children and will make sure to address all concerns. So they’re not all bad. However, they become a type of toxic parents because they are just a little too involved.
They know every little detail about their child’s life and see it as them ensuring their child’s safety. But their actions are keeping their children from having personal boundaries and privacy. And these are crucial for a child to learn, especially as they grow older.
Effects of Having Helicopter Parents
If you had a helicopter parent, you likely felt suffocated and smothered. You may feel like you had no freedom because your parent watched and knew your every move. You felt like you didn’t have any personal space or privacy growing up when you deserved to.
Children raised by helicopter parents tend to have trouble setting boundaries because they didn’t have any growing up. This may affect their adult relationships and their future well-being where setting healthy boundaries are crucial for self-protection and self-care.
Children of lawnmower parents also tend to be sheltered from the world. Thus, when they’re hit with reality, they find it extremely difficult to manage and overcome it on their own.
The Lawnmower Parent
Lawnmower parents – also known as snowplow or bulldozer parents – are a more extreme version of helicopter parents. These types of toxic parents cut down every obstacle their child is confronted with.
They may go out of their way to do things for the child such as fighting the child’s battles. They will do anything they can to protect their child from any obstacle. Or they will prevent problems from even occurring in the first place.
Lawnmower parents tend to micromanage, interfere, and lay out everything in life for their child. They wish to protect their child from pain, disappointment, failure, and challenges.
While lawnmower parents might mean well, they’re keeping their children from taking risks and making mistakes. Experiencing setbacks is crucial for a child’s growth and development. Thus, when they’re kept from it, they’re missing out on developing important life skills.
Effects of Having Lawnmower Parents
Children with lawnmower parents struggle with the effects of having a helicopter parent and more. They may struggle with doing things on their own or standing up for themselves because their parents did all of it for them. They may also have trouble developing problem-solving skills and are usually dependent on their parent, even as adults.
If you had a lawnmower parent, you may feel helpless and insecure, doubting your abilities to manage life. You also likely struggle with indecisiveness and independence.
Research shows that children of lawnmower parents are poorly equipped to deal with routine growing and learning experiences. They also tend to lack resiliency and other healthy coping skills.
The Permissive Parent
On the flip side of helicopter and lawnmower parents are permissive parents. Rather than watch over their child’s every move, these types of parents are incredibly lax. They also rarely make or enforce any type of rules or structure.
Permissive parents tend to be very loving and affectionate towards their children while providing very few rules or limitations. These types of parents tend to be more like buddies than parental figures to their children.
While there seems to be nothing inherently wrong with permissive parents, they’re still considered a type of toxic parent due to the negative effects it has on their children.
Effects of Having Permissive Parents
Research shows that children raised by permissive parents may be self-involved and demanding. They may also feel insecure due to the lack of boundaries and guidance they had growing up.
Since permissive parents don’t set or enforce any rules, their child struggles to learn problem-solving and decision-making skills. They also tend to lack self-discipline, possess poor social skills, and have trouble managing time and habits.
Additionally, these children tend to display low achievement in many areas, make poor decisions, may be more prone to delinquency and substance use, and show more aggression.
Conclusion
It’s important to recognize that there are varying severities and degrees of these types of toxic parents. Some parents may exhibit a few toxic behaviors, while others may be full-on abusive.
Nonetheless, having any of these types of toxic parents can create lasting effects that continue to affect us in adulthood.
If you had or have toxic parents, you likely struggle with a few things in your present life that resulted from your upbringing. Although you can’t go back to change anything, you can make changes now.
Consider seeking therapy. A professional can help you process your experiences and develop tools for healing. Connect with a certified therapist. You can also check out this book to learn more about your relationship with your toxic parents, how it affected you, and what you can do to begin healing.
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Hi there, I’m Estee. My own experiences with an abusive mother inspired me to create Hopeful Panda. You can learn more about me and my blog here.
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