Abuse Effects Moving Forward

Self-Gaslighting: What It Is and How to Overcome It

Self-Gaslighting | Hopeful Panda

Do you tend to second-guess or doubt yourself? If you had abusive parents growing up, then they’re likely gaslighters who caused you to start gaslighting yourself. And gaslighting you experienced growing up can become so internalized that it turned into self-gaslighting.

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What is Self-Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that makes someone question or doubt their thoughts, feelings, memories, experiences, perceptions, reality, and even sanity.

So the concept of self-gaslighting is straightforward. It’s when you gaslight yourself, constantly second-guessing, doubting, and questioning yourself, your experiences, your thoughts, and your abilities.

Signs of Self-Gaslighting

Many signs of self-gaslighting are similar to signs of gaslighting. Victims of gaslighting often repeat things to themselves that their abusers have said to them.

The major signs to focus on are frequent self-doubt and self-invalidation of your feelings, perception, and memories.

You constantly doubt yourself

The biggest sign of self-gaslighting is the overall doubt and lack of trust you tend to have about yourself.

If you almost always second-guess and question your judgment and decisions, big or small, then you’re self-gaslighting.

If self-doubt and invalidation seem to come up frequently for you, then it’s likely you’ve internalized the gaslighting you experienced to the point it’s a habit now.

You’ve become so used to doubting your reality because of how much you experienced that from your abuser.

You don’t trust your memory

When you’re so used to being told you’re remembering something wrong, it makes sense that you’ll start questioning your memory.

  • Did that really happen or am I just making it up?
  • Am I misremembering?
  • I have a terrible memory.

Memory can definitely be unreliable. But when you’re told you have memory issues from someone who’s abusing you, it’s more likely that they’re gaslighting you than your memory being wrong.

You minimize, dismiss, or deny your experiences and feelings

People who self-gaslight tend to minimize, dismiss, or deny their own experiences and feelings.

  • I’m overreacting
  • It wasn’t that bad
  • I am being too emotional
  • I’m too sensitive

By doing so, you are invalidating yourself.

Your feelings are valid, especially if you’ve been experiencing abuse. It might seem like it feels better to blame it on yourself, but that only ends up hurting you more.

You make excuses for others’ abusive behavior

Another sign of gaslighting is not just when you dismiss your own experiences and feelings, but when you justify other people’s abusive behavior towards you.

  • She’s just having a bad day.
  • He didn’t mean it.
  • They’re usually not like that.

Saying things like the ones listed above when someone does something bad or mean to you is a form of self-gaslighting.

Not only does it excuse the person’s abusive behavior, but again, it invalidates and dismisses your experiences and feelings. It sends the message to the abuser and yourself that they’re allowed to abuse you.

You downplay or dismiss your trauma

Many victims of abusive parents downplay or deny their traumatic childhoods, claiming it wasn’t that bad or that it can be worse.

  • I didn’t experience real trauma.
  • What I went through wasn’t that bad.
  • I’m weak for letting it bother me.

The thing is, it can always be worse. That doesn’t mean it’s not bad or that it was okay. Abuse is never okay!

If you had a toxic, abusive, or neglectful parent in any way, shape, or form, then you’ve experienced trauma.

Think about it this way: Will you treat someone you care about the way your parent treated you? If not, then you must admit you weren’t really treated properly, right?

Stop comparing yourself to other people’s situations or scenarios. If your parents’ behavior affected you the way it did, then it was that bad for you.

You often find a way to blame yourself

Whenever something bad happens in your life, whether it’s in your control or not, do you tend to immediately point the finger at yourself?

  • It’s my fault.
  • I’m the reason this happened.
  • I’m the problem.

I’ve been so used to being the scapegoat that once any problem arises, I automatically assume it’s my fault somehow.

If you notice you always have a way to blame yourself, in other words, scapegoating yourself, then you are definitely self-gaslighting.

Where Does Self-Gaslighting Come From?

People usually gaslight themselves because someone else did it first.

I’ve been so used to gaslighting by my parents that I started gaslighting myself for most of my life. Even though I’m aware of it now, I still do it. It became second nature.

Self-gaslighting is a form of defense mechanism we learned to protect ourselves from our abusive parents.

It’s hard to accept that our parents would want to hurt us. They also have authority over us and we depend on them for our survival. So it makes sense we turned that problem inwards.

On top of that, when they and perhaps the rest of the world tell us that it’s our fault if there’s an issue in the relationship, it only makes sense for us to think, I must be the problem.

It was just easier at the time to blame ourselves and tell ourselves that our abuse isn’t that bad or really isn’t abusive, that we’re just overreacting or too sensitive. But doesn’t that sound familiar?

Phrases like “You’re overreacting”, “You’re too sensitive”, or “You’re making things up” was probably something your parents said to you a lot growing up whenever you confront or question them about their behavior.

Effects of Self-Gaslighting

As a result of all that gaslighting you experienced, you likely started doing the same to yourself, not just in regards to the abuse and trauma you experienced, but with your everyday experiences.

Self-gaslighting can be just as harmful as being gaslighted by someone else.

You carry this feeling of self-doubt around with you, questioning and doubting everything about yourself – your abilities, your experiences, your feelings, and even your reality.

This leads to a lot of confusion and shame about how you should feel, possibly developing into anxiety and depression.

How to Overcome Self-Gaslighting

If you tend to gaslight yourself, you’ve essentially taken over your abusive parent’s role.

Healing involves learning how to overcome self-gaslighting so you can start trusting yourself and building the confidence you need to live the life you deserve.

Here are some ways you can start overcoming self-gaslighting and begin healing.

Recognize self-gaslighting

First off, as with any type of problem, recognize when it’s happening. With how internalized gaslighting is, this is unfortunately much easier said than done.

Self-gaslighting is difficult to identify because of how invisible it is. Most people who self-gaslight do not realize that they’re doing it.

But whenever you start doubting or second-guessing yourself, stop, and ask yourself whether you’re self-gaslighting.

Try to identify what seems to trigger the self-gaslighting. The more you get to know your thinking patterns, the easier it is to identify them and adjust them.

Learn to change your self-talk

When we grew up with abusive parents, negative self-talk is bound to happen. Unsurprisingly, we’ll start repeating all the negative things we’ve heard from them back to ourselves.

We developed this extremely harsh inner critic that we just can’t please no matter what we do.

Try to recognize that phrases like “You’re stupid” or “No one will ever love you” is not from you. It’s from your abuser.

Whenever negative dialogue like that pops up, stop it in its track, and try to replace it with something more positive but realistic.

Learn more about how to stop your negative self-talk.

Recognize signs of gaslighting and its effects

Self-gaslighting often occurs because someone was gaslighting you. You’re not born learning to doubt yourself. It’s something someone ingrained in you, and in this case, it’s your abusive parents.

So part of overcoming self-gaslighting involves recognizing the signs of gaslighting from other people and how it affected you.

Learning about the signs of gaslighting and its effects can help you learn how to recognize when it’s happening and how to deal with it.

Once you learn how to deal with other people’s gaslighting, hopefully, you can use that knowledge to overcome your self-gaslighting.

Keep a journal

Writing down your thoughts, feelings, and experiences can help you gain clarity and perspective on what’s happening around you. It can help you recognize patterns in your thinking and identify areas where you may be self-gaslighting and what seems to trigger it.

Learn to feel and validate yourself

One thing that makes self-gaslighting so harmful to your mental health is how much it invalidates your feelings.

Your emotions are valid and you have every right to feel them.

Whenever you start doubting whether you should feel something, you’re self-gaslighting.

You are allowed to feel whatever it is you feel even if it may be overreacting or overly emotional. Your feelings are yours! As long as you’re not hurting anyone, you have every right to feel the way you do.

Learn more about how to deal with uncomfortable emotions in a healthy way.

Reach out for support

Overcoming self-gaslighting can be challenging to do by yourself because of your tendency to discredit yourself. Having a support network to talk things through with can be helpful.

You can reach out for support from a friend, family member, or mental health professional. They can be the objective voice you need.

Your support network can reassure you that your feelings and experiences are valid. They can remind you that yes, things are that bad. You are not overreacting and even if you are, you’re allowed to.

A mental health professional can help you identify and overcome self-gaslighting behaviors as well as provide support and guidance to help you rebuild your sense of self and self-trust. You can connect with a certified therapist here.

Practice mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness means focusing and connecting to the present moment.

What’s problematic about self-gaslighting is that it makes you doubt and question your reality. It can be crazy-making.

Therefore, practicing mindfulness helps ground you in your reality. It prevents you from getting lost in your own thoughts and perceptions.

Related: 12 Mindfulness Exercises for Healing from Childhood Abuse

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is essential for your healing. And in this case, it’s also essential for overcoming self-gaslighting.

On top of constantly questioning yourself, self-gaslighting reinforces your feelings of worthlessness and doubt.

Practicing self-compassion allows you to remind yourself that you’re not perfect and that’s okay. Try to treat yourself like how you’d treat a loved one.

Related: Self-Compassion and Why It’s Important for Healing

Self Gaslighting Signs and How to Heal | Hopeful Panda

Conclusion

It will be hard to overcome something you’ve been programmed early on to do. When doubting yourself becomes a part of you, it takes a lot of effort to do otherwise.

But with practice in healing techniques such as mindfulness, self-compassion, self-care, and awareness, it is possible to start trusting and believing in yourself again.

It will be easy to doubt and judge yourself as you go through this. And that’s okay. It’s all a part of the process. Just remember to go back and validate yourself once you realize what happened.

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Hi there, I’m Estee. My own experiences with an abusive mother inspired me to create Hopeful Panda. You can learn more about me and my blog here.

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